DJ AAK: Hey, new premise: let's get jobs!
THE INTERNET: Vayner, an aspiring investment banker, sent a video titled "Impossible is Nothing" along with an 11-page résumé and glamour shot to financial services powerhouse UBS. Within hours, scores of investment banks noticed his application, as bankers e-mailed the seven-minute video and turned Vayner into the biggest joke on Wall Street.
MC BOY: MY JOB IS TO SIT HERE BY THE MAIL BOX AND WAIT FOR OUR OUTER SPACE MISSION AND ALSO OIL CHANGE COUPONS
THE INTERNET: Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip mum mum mum mum mum mum get a job
DJ AAK: Think about it, though, if we got jobs we could buy a car, and then change the oil.
MC BOY: WATCHING THE ACTIVITIES OF A MAIL BOX IS MORE OF A CALLING
THE INTERNET: We are currently seeking a Senior Storage, Linux & Network Administrator. This is a full-time position and telecommuting is not an option. This will be a mixture of strategy and planning meetings, desk work (command-line and reports) and hands-on work. Applicants must be willing to be on-call 24x7 via cell phone, excluding vacations. Applicants should be experts in the following technologies: - NetApp filers (mainly nfs) - Linux - Switching (vlans, Foundry Networks) - Routing (BGP, static, Juniper, Foundry) - Load balancers (F5 Networks) - Datacenter environments (racking, power, cooling, cabling) - Monitoring via SNMP - Experience in SAN & NAS Environments - Solid RAID understanding
THE INTERNET: This position will work within a dynamic and innovative Biological Profiling team to deliver human genetic research projects targeted at better understanding complex disease and providing a deeper knowledge of drug discovery targets and the pathways within which they reside. The Biological Profiling Department incorporates innovative human genetic, genomic, proteomic, metabonomic, and computational biology research to provide a deeper understanding of disease targets and pathways, mechanisms of efficacy and toxicity, and compound activities. The integration of molecular technologies such as SNP genotyping, copy number analysis, sequencing, transcript profiling and mapping, proteomics, and metabonomics, with state of the art computational biology, enables the Biological Profiling group to deliver research programs with a full spectrum of molecular profiles as they relate to human disease, target and pathway validation, drug response, and pre-clinical models.
THE INTERNET: Pok-E-Jos Night shift Fry Cook and Dishwasher. Full time. Round Rock location. Starting rate $6.50/hr. Must be able to speak some English.
MC BOY: THIS IS YOUR WORST IDEA OF ALL TIMES
DJ AAK: Look, all we have to do to get a good job is list the things we are good at.
MC BOY: READY FREDERIC
DJ AAK: "Watching bad reality TV shows."
MC BOY "MAKING LIVE ANIMALS AND INDUSTRIAL MACHINERY INTERACT IN UNEXPECTED WAYS"
DJ AAK: "Losing my keys."
MC BOY: "MAKING THINGS FIT TOGETHER NO MATTER WHAT"
DJ AAK: "Sleeping for 16 hours."
MC BOY: "FINDING OUT I HAVE A SPIDER BITE"
DJ AAK: "Compiling lists of things I am good at."
MC BOY: "BEING NAKED"
DJ AAK: Dude, put your pants back on. I can see your spider bite.
MC BOY: WE SHOULD PUT SOMETHING ON OUR REZOOM ABOUT SOFTWARE PIRATING
DJ AAK: Why?
MC BOY: DO YOU NOT RECALL WE ARE SPOCED TO BE NORTH KOREAN SOFTWARE PIRATES
DJ AAK: Is there a lot of work in that field?
THE INTERNET: Business Development Intern (Fall 2007) - Pittsburgh Pirates (Pittsburgh, PA). Please Note: this is an unpaid internship that must be taken for college credit.
DJ AAK: Nuts.
THE INTERNET: Ahoy Mateys! Join us for fun in the sun at Englewood's outdoor family aquatic facility. Pirates Cove offers a leisure pool with a large play structure, a 25-meter, 6-lane pool, a 35-foot slide tower with three slides, a lazy river, concessions, and more for your summer fun!
MC BOY: THAT SOUNDS RAW
THE INTERNET: Experienced safety inspectors and trained lifeguards only.
DJ AAK: Nuts.
THE INTERNET: Edward Teach (c. 1680[ – November 22, 1718), better known as Blackbeard, was a notorious English pirate in the Caribbean Sea during the early 18th century, a period of time referred to as the Golden Age of Piracy. His best known vessel was the Queen Anne's Revenge, which is believed to have run aground near Beaufort Inlet, North Carolina in 1718.
MC BOY: DEEZ
THE INTERNET: Maynard and Teach themselves begun the fight with their swords, Maynard making a thrust, the point of his sword against Teach's cartridge box, and bent it to the hilt. Teach broke the guard of it, and wounded Maynard's fingers but did not disable him, whereupon he jumped back and threw away his sword and fired his pistol which wounded Teach. Demelt struck in between them with his sword and cut Teach's face pretty much; in the interim both companies engaged in Maynard's sloop. Later during the battle, while Teach was loading his pistol he finally died from blood loss. Maynard then cut off his head and hung it from his bow.
DJ AAK: Nuts.
MC BOY: I HAVE RE-SOLVED OUR EMPLOYMENT CORN UNDER UM, MY FRIEND
DJ AAK: Oh, really? How?
MC BOY: I AM GOING TO BE A HESSIAN
DJ AAK: What is that?
MC BOY: IT IS A LISTENER-TO OF HEAVY METAL MUSICS, A DRINKER FROM THE BOTTLE OF SOUTHERN COMFORT, A SMOKER OF UNFILTERED CIGARETTES
DJ AAK: Who would pay you do do that?
MC BOY: DON DOKKEN
THE INTERNET: The term Hessian refers to the inhabitants of the German state of Hesse. In English, it most commonly refers to eighteenth century German regiments in service to the British Empire. During the American Revolutionary War, Landgrave Frederick II of Hesse-Kassel (a principality in northern Hesse) and other German leaders hired out thousands of conscripted subjects as auxiliaries to Great Britain to fight against the American revolutionaries. About 30,000 of these mercenaries were hired, and they came to be called Hessians, because 16,992 of the total 30,067 men came from Hesse-Kassel.
MC BOY: DON DOKKEN WHY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART