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I labored too much on Labor Day

The Monday Poll waits for nothing. Well, I guess it waits for Tuesday.

Poll #1049852 Get back to work, you

I am approaching 40, and a number of my life goals are unfulfilled. Perhaps if I focus on just one, I can achieve it. Which one should it be?

Becoming a billionaire
2(3.2%)
Writing the great American novel
9(14.3%)
Marrying Uma Thurman
5(7.9%)
Bringing about global peace and harmony
1(1.6%)
Exacting a terrible revenge on all who have wronged me
6(9.5%)
Getting a good night's sleep
6(9.5%)
Building a time machine in order to win bar bets
3(4.8%)
Taking a dump in all fifty states
14(22.2%)
Writing a cult TV show that is cancelled after two seasons
14(22.2%)
Coming up with a better set of life goals
3(4.8%)

What are your child substitutes?

my pet(s)
11(18.3%)
expensive electronics
5(8.3%)
an imaginary friend
3(5.0%)
my actual child/children
8(13.3%)
someone else's actual child/children
1(1.7%)
a midget or dwarf
0(0.0%)
Star Trek
1(1.7%)
V.I.C.K.I.
0(0.0%)
the American people
5(8.3%)
other (see Comments)
2(3.3%)

What do I have to do (oh, tell me now) to prove my love to you?

do anything
4(6.3%)
do it all
0(0.0%)
climb a mountain
4(6.3%)
cross the ocean
3(4.8%)
do it all for you
6(9.5%)
stop quoting Violent Femmes lyrics
20(31.7%)
a little foreplay would be nice
18(28.6%)
you're gay, Leonard
8(12.7%)

Which of the following presidential candidates could you defeat in a fistfight?

"Joltin'" Joe Biden
0(0.0%)
"The Tower of Power" Hilary Clinton
3(4.9%)
John "The Hammerin' Haircut" Edwards
0(0.0%)
Dennis "Equitability is My Watchword" Kucinich
2(3.3%)
Barack "Barack-'em Sock-'em" Obama
0(0.0%)
Mike "Gravel Pit" Gravel
0(0.0%)
Bill "Opponent" Richardson
0(0.0%)
"Slammin'" Sam Brownback
0(0.0%)
"Greasy" Mitt Romney
1(1.6%)
Rudy "Giuliani Time" Giuliani
1(1.6%)
Mike "Heart" Huckabee
0(0.0%)
Fred "Dalton" Thompson
0(0.0%)
John "Straight Talk Express" McCain
0(0.0%)
Ron "Two First Names" Paul
0(0.0%)
all of these precancerous old geezers could take me
15(24.6%)

The past is like a foreign country, because...

Tags:

Comments

( 21 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
drownedinink
Sep. 4th, 2007 01:24 pm (UTC)
A fight with Giuliani? Even if you did win in spite of all his dirty tricks and blows to the groin, there's no way you'd survive the mobsters and/or corrupt policemen he'd send ten minutes after the battle was over. Then he'd probably sodomize your corpse while forcing your mother to watch or something.

ludickid
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC)
See, I was thinkin' the same thing! Giuliani would fight dirty, he'd be all going for the groin, gouging the eyes, biting, spitting -- and if he won, he'd shove a broomstick up your hiney.
drownedinink
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:13 pm (UTC)
and if he won, he'd shove a broomstick up your hiney.

And he'd go out of his way to pick one with lots of splinters.

oilyrags
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
Sure. The thing about fighting dirty is that it's relatively ineffective against good clean fighting. It's actually a lot easier to belt an opponent in the nose or kick their feet out from under them than it is to poke 'em in the eye or get 'em in the groin. The dirty stuff is generally used by those who are getting overpowered and are desperate, and besides, since it relies so heavily on hitting small, extremely sensitive (and defensible) targets, there's a low percentage of success.
ludickid
Sep. 4th, 2007 03:37 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but Rudy doesn't take cheap shots because they're effective. He does it because he likes it.
rxgreene
Sep. 4th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
You are kidding, right? The eyes are just as easy a target as the nose, if not easier. Worst case with a miss to the eye, you'll hit the brow and cut it open, both annoying and blinding the guy. The nose is no harder a target and just as "fair".

The "dirty stuff" is nonsense. It is a fight - "Cheat at the start, cheat in the middle, cheat in the end" as an instructor once told me. It's not a boxing match, it's not chess. End it and end it quick.
oilyrags
Sep. 4th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
Nope, not kidding. Eyes are small and set back behind ridges of bone. Noses are at the very front of the face and are only protected by the hands of the guy you're facing.

You're right, of course, that connecting to the forehead can open cuts that blind, but I don't think of that as being the same as an eye gouge at all, which involves opening your hand and grabbing at the face trying to put a finger in it. Unless you've already got control of your opponent's arms, that's more likely to get you a broken finger than anything else. Check out some of the Gracie challenge matches - they're all over the place. It's amazing how often it happens: Gracie guy takes his opponent down, gets on top of him and starts whaling. The guy on the bottom reaches for the eyes. The guy on top grabs the arm, cinches it between his legs, and arches his back to hyperextend the elbow. OOPS.

as for this:

[i]The "dirty stuff" is nonsense. It is a fight - "Cheat at the start, cheat in the middle, cheat in the end" as an instructor once told me. It's not a boxing match, it's not chess. End it and end it quick.[/i]

Yeah, absolutely. But cheat SMART.
rxgreene
Sep. 4th, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
1) If you are dumb enough to roll with a Gracie, you deserve to get your fool arm broke when you stick it out for them to grab.
2) You can strike/gouge with the same strike - look at either "bear paw" or "The Shaolin Learned Fist" for examples.
3) A match is very different from a fight. I have seen few (if any) guys fast enough to lock an arm bar on someone jabbing at the eyes/face.
oilyrags
Sep. 4th, 2007 05:49 pm (UTC)
1 - Ha! F'real.

2 - I guess those are hand shapes? I don't know them. I've been taught to keep it simple. Top of the fist, heel of the palm, knife hand, monkey grip (a grab with the thumb on the same side as the fingers to make it more difficult to use as a lever) is about the full range of my experience.
Wait, no. There are some fingertip strikes, now that I think about it.

3 - "I have seen few (if any) guys fast enough to lock an arm bar on someone jabbing at the eyes/face."

Fair enough. I have seen few if any guys fast and accurate enough to get to the eyes if the chin is down and the hands are up.
rxgreene
Sep. 4th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
Bear paw is open palm, fingers bent slightly thumb tight to the side - either swat with the open hand or jab with the fingers. You can "slip" and strike with either the base of the fingers/top of the palm, or with the heel.

Shaolin Learned Fist is a short way of saying:
tight thumb
point index
middle stright down
curl ring and pinky - don't let the tips touch the palm.

You can poke, claw/scrape, grab, palm strike, knife endge, and backfist all in one fist.
detlef
Sep. 5th, 2007 02:57 am (UTC)
True to a certain extent, but nothing crumples a guy like a strike to the throat.
elston
Sep. 4th, 2007 01:44 pm (UTC)
Child substitutes: my car, my library and media collection.

Also, I think the poll respondents are underestimating Ron Paul's age and frailty. He'd be the easiest to take down, I think. (Kucinich's healthy vegan diet makes him unexpectedly wiry, but he ultimately goes down in the second round.)
ludickid
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
I dunno about Kucinich lasting to round 2 -- he's pretty shrimpy, and all the vegans I've ever met have been frail and weak, with the lack of protein and complex sugars lessening their strength and speed. But I agree on Ron Paul; I think the electorate is so charmed by the presence of a straight-talking anti-war conservative libertarian that they're overlooking the fact that he is a rickety old bag of bones who could be crippled by one punch. Even Fred Dalton Thompson is more robust.
defconqueso
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:45 pm (UTC)
All you'd have to do to fell Romney is mess up his hair. During one of the girlish screams that results, take the two metric tons of pomade that has accumulated in the palms of your hands and lodge it in his windpipe.

And kick him in the balls for good measure.
tritium
Sep. 4th, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the thing about Kucinich is that he's an elf. And not one of those bow-wielding, forever-living Lord-of-the-Rings badass elves; no, he's the kind of elf who makes shoes.
tritium
Sep. 4th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
Also, he has a hot wife.
ludickid
Sep. 4th, 2007 05:07 pm (UTC)
MAN, TRUE.
lauri8
Sep. 4th, 2007 11:47 pm (UTC)
. . . he's the kind of elf who makes shoes.

Or cookies.
brandawg
Sep. 4th, 2007 02:14 pm (UTC)
I think becoming a billionaire would allow you to accomplish all of the other goals listed there.
roninspoon
Sep. 4th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
I treat my firearms like children. I bathe them, and feed them, and tell them stories before I lay them down to sleep.
moondispatches
Sep. 4th, 2007 11:39 pm (UTC)
I used to want to vomit in as many states as possible in a single day. My record stands at a paltry 3.
( 21 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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flavored with age
ludickid
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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