Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

What hath Mike Veeck wrought?

One of the very few gags on The Office that didn't work for me was when Michael took Jim to Hooters for lunch and embarrassed him by making breast-related double entendres to the waitress. Surely the waitresses at Hooters are inured to such things -- the Michael Scotts of this world are their target demographic, after all. Hooters is founded on the principle of being a crappy restaurant that caters to a middle-class business clientele that wants waitresses with big tits, and pretending that it's not. Its very name is a breast-related double entendre! And I'm supposed to believe that Michael Scott would stand out and garner the opprobrium of the staff? I'm not buying it.

Anyway, I recently learned that, even though I don't know what energy drinks are for or who's supposed to be drinking them, there's approximately fifty billion of them, including one called "Pimp Juice" and another that is sponsored by Steven Seagal. But look out, all the other energy drinks: there's a new kid in town!



Getting through the day with the energy...of TITS!

But the fun doesn't stop there, oh no! What would a new product rollout be without some bogus, disingenuous marketing talk? "We are very excited to launch this new product into the dynamic energy drink market," says Hooters vice-president of marketing Mike McNeil, who gets paid a ridiculous amount of money to say things like that. "When you think of Hooters you think of high energy." And not, you know, tits.

The slogan for Hooters' Energy Drink (which tastes like citrus and/or berry, apparently, and not greasy hot wing sauce) is "REAL MEN NEED REAL ENERGY", because why let an opportunity go by to prop up the fake macho paradigm to which our weak-ass country so desperately clings? Here's another fun bit from Mike McNeil and his minions:

Hooters Energy Drink is poised to capture the U.S. marketplace.

Any day now.

Designed to energize and improve mental concentration and physical endurance, Hooters Energy drink combines a superior-tasting flavor

Superior-TASTING. Not actually superior, it just tastes that way, you see.

with a powerful caffeine punch

Just in case you're not getting enough heart disease from their wings.

cutting edge design

As you can see from the can, I can't possibly gainsay this.

and a highly marketable name.

TITS!

The info page goes on to say that one of the drink's target markets is "the underserved NASCAR Nation". Underserved. Underserved. Because, really, who is paying attention to race car fans? It's not like you can't go five seconds without seeing one of their logos on a t-shirt or a consumer product or a TV commercial or during prime-time sports air time. It's about goddamn time someone FINALLY paid attention to those terribly underserved NASCAR fans!
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  • 29 comments

  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…