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TEN REASONS WHY THE RAPPITY-HOP MUSIC IS WORSER THAN ANY MUSIC BEFORE EVER
by America, age 12

1. Rappers often boast bout their sexual prowess, artistic ability, and dangerous character, which no other musicians have ever done!

2. Rappers tend to view women exclusively in terms of sexual conquest (positive) or tendency to sow discord (negative), which is something new and dangerous in popular music!

3. Rappers are enamored of violence and bad behavior, an attitude otherwise unknown in American culture!

4. Some people who listen to rap music are fetishizing the behavior of a socio-economic class to which they do not belong, which is a behavior entirely unprecedented in the history of the United States!

5. Rappers glorify materialism and the acquisition and consumption of expensive consumer goods, and we simply cannot tolerate that within our capitalist system!

6. Rap music is not, in fact, music at all, but rather a pastiche made up of elements borrowed from other musical forms, something that has never happened before in all of recorded sound!

7. A large amount of rap music is not actually very good, a phenomenon totally alien to all other forms of music!

8. In rap music, the most thoughtful, intelligent, groundbreaking work is often commercially unsuccessful, in marked contrast to all other forms of artistic endeavor!

9. The people responsible for the production, distribution and sale of rap music seem more concerned about maximizing their profits than considering the social effect it has on our culture, which is certainly not something you can say about all other industries!

10. Rap music has a lot of black people in it!

Comments

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hydrozoa
Sep. 25th, 2007 07:21 pm (UTC)
rappity-hop = slayed for the rest of the day.

ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)
It's okay though, because Bill O'Reilly says the coloreds can act just like normal humans if you feed them enough!
kudaspeaks
Sep. 25th, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
Dear America:

This is the reason that my television is infested with Celtic Hoohah and Faketastic Druidities and the Four Aces Sing the Songs the Andrews Sisters Thought Were Too Old-Timey. I'm calling you out. Three-thirty behind the bleachers.

Yours in Christ, Kuda.
ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
The Four Aces Sing the Songs the Andrews Sisters Thought Were Too Old-Timey is in heavy rotation around my crib, right up there with Larry the Cable Guy Presents: Not Funny Enough for Yakov Smirnoff.
harmfulguy
Sep. 25th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
Have any of these people ever heard any rap, outside the context of someone else telling them how scary it is?

(By the way, I keep meaning to ask you about the greatest rap brags of all time.)
picodulce
Sep. 25th, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
so many brags so little time
the best brags should not be sex brags-- they're too many of them to count.

Yaggfu Front: My Dick Is So Large (1992 I think)

Yes my dick, is longer than an Amtrak, train!/ Runnin, from here, to Maine!

In context it's better-- they justify it by saying they need to do something to actually justify their Parental Advisory sticker.
ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
I dunno, man, there's always Paul Barman:

I wanna fire blanks in Tyra Banks
I would keep a tidy room for Heidi Klum
I’m immersed in Kirstie Alley’s thirsty valley
I would snore or sleep on Laura Prepon
I’d feel the pubis of Mila Kunis
I’d crunch Thandie Newton like a candied crouton
And I’ll disrobe Lisa Loeb
Lisa Bonet, I’d like a piece of your day
I would jizz early inside Liz Hurley
I’m very proprietary with Mariah Carey
I’m sure to spill sperm in Laura Silverman
I stuck my slim sword in Kim Gordon
Sigourney Weaver has a horny beaver
Winona Ryder? Going inside her!


adam_0oo
Sep. 26th, 2007 05:52 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
Makes you wonder if he chose his favorite wimens first or just took like the Maxim Hot 100 and tried making rhymes about all of them.
ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
Man, rap is ALL brags! Maybe one'a these days I'll make a list of faves...for now, how about just a few?

Vast Aire, in "Attention Span": 'When I walk, I break concrete!' Also: 'Man, I don't know if it was me or you, but your girl was on my dick like she was teethin'.'

Casual in "Jaw Gymnastics": 'My drum kicks like blood on a steel toe/nasty, like crud on a dildo'.

Li'l' Wayne in "Upgrade U": 'I don't really want to, but these niggas makin' me/put a motherfucker on ice like the Maple Leafs/that's a hockey team, and I don't know no hockey team/but I'm a champion -- where's the fuckin' Rocky theme?'

picodulce
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:41 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
that l'il wayne one is awesome.
ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:51 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
It's freestyled, too! That whole song is just hilarious.
picodulce
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
what album?
ludickid
Sep. 25th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
Re: so many brags so little time
It's from Da Drought 3, which isn't out yet, but there's advance leaks all over the place.
gloomchen
Sep. 26th, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
10. Rap music has a lot of black people in it!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN NEED REASONS 1-9 LOL
ludickid
Sep. 26th, 2007 12:54 am (UTC)
MAN TRUE
drownedinink
Sep. 26th, 2007 06:04 am (UTC)
Kind of reminds me of how, when Eminem was popular, you'd occasionally get articles about how all the misogyny and homophobia in his lyrics were actually completely okay because he's white.

pathia
Sep. 27th, 2007 12:37 am (UTC)
OMG, a friend linked me to this, your list is full of win.
circuit_four
Sep. 27th, 2007 12:57 am (UTC)
Hiphop > Buttrock, EOF.
glashund
Sep. 27th, 2007 01:07 am (UTC)
LIES
circuit_four
Sep. 27th, 2007 01:12 am (UTC)
Limozeen sent you, admit it. :)
krinndnz
Sep. 27th, 2007 01:43 pm (UTC)
Actually that were me and my two-foot bouffant.
bossgoji
Sep. 27th, 2007 01:08 am (UTC)
Seconded! WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION THE WISDOM OF WHITESNAKE?!
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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