Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Leonard's Guide to Naming Your Metal Band

As you know, I spend a lot of time thinking about metal. After having spend several decades interacting with various metal bands in a variety of ways, I have discovered that all metal band names can essentially be broken down into categories. Herewith some examples (all real bands), and suggestions as to which pattern you might wish to follow when naming your metal band.

BLASPHEMIES (SHORT): Abominator, Blasphemy, Iniquity, Abhorrence, Amoral, Unholy, Apostasy, Sacrilege, Atheist, Deicide, Monstrosity. Best for: technical death metal; bands where the lead singer drinks a lot.

BLASPHEMIES (LONG): Insanity Reigns Supreme, Silent Stream of Godless Elegy, Eternal Tears of Sorrow, Church of Misery, Sins of Thy Beloved, Thou Shalt Suffer, Neurotic of Gods, One Man Army & the Undead Quartet, Pain of Salvation, Moribund Oblivion, Bretwaldas of Heathen Doom, Tears of Mourning Rule the Divine, While Heaven Wept. Best for: gothic metal; bands that are really screamo but don’t want to admit it.

COD LATIN: Imago Mortis, Omnium Gatherum, In Extremo, Arkhon Infaustus, Hortus Animae, Officium Triste, Carpe Tenebrum, Lux Occulta, Vene Domine, Nokturnal Mortum, Hibernus Mortis, Solitude Aeturnus. Best for: symphonic black metal; bands where the lead singer is gay.

DEMONS: Abigor, Asmodeus, Belphegor, Agathodaimon, Abbadon Incarnate, Gorgoroth, Baphomet’s Throne, Lord Belial, Sammael, Acheron. Best for: black metal; bands formed over a copy of ‘Deities and Demigods’.

LOTS OF Ks: Sadistik Exekution, Kataklysm, Korpiklaani, Lakkichhara, Kekal, Kromok, Katafalk, Keep of Kalessin, Akercocke, Kublai Khan. Best for: metal bands from non-western countries; bands where the lead singer is a moron.

MISSPELLED MYTHOLOGY: Nazxul, Pegazus, Tiresis, Artefact, Kovenant, Mezzerschmitt, Nostradameus, Susperia, Valhall, Kamelot, Kult ov Azazel. Best for: hard-rock bands; bands with the same name as another band but wishing to avoid a lawsuit.

NAMES OF PLACES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHERE YOU ARE FROM: Nepal (Argentina), Mekong Delta (Germany), Salem (Israel), Asgard (Italy), Notre Dame (Sweden), Nile (United States). Best for: prog-metal bands; people who are extremely lazy.

NAMES THAT SUGGEST THAT YOU AREN’T TAKING THE WHOLE THING ENTIRELY SERIOUSLY: Fuck…I’m Dead, Dew-Scented, Subway to Sally, Frantic Beep, Butterfly Temple, Sad Legend, Bumblefoot, Impetigo, Jelly Jam. Best for: jam bands; bands where the lead singer is Australian.

PRETENTIOUS ADJECTIVES: Enthroned, Chthonic, Absurd, Corrupted, Forsaken, Inhumed, Enslaved, Embraced, Entombed, Rotting, Condemned, Esoteric, Impaled, Obsessed, Unanimated, Unconquered, Unleashed. Best for: black/death metal; bands who own a thesaurus.

SOME 15-YEAR-OLD’S D&D CHARACTER: Bloodaxe, Dragonsword, Piledriver, Battlelore, Deathchain, Fintroll, Moonsorrow Stormwarrior, Elvenking, Gallhammer, Skyforger, Trollfest, Warlord, Lord Gore. Best for: power metal; bands where the lead singer is fifteen.

THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU: Disembowelment, Visceral Evisceration, Anorexia Nervosa, Massacre, Atrocity, Beheaded, Severe Torture, Battered, Slow Agony, Decapitated, Defleshed, Hypothermia, Cancer, Amoebic Dysentery, Anthrax, Death, Drawn & Quartered, Immolation, Internal Bleeding, Nuclear Assault, Suffocation. Best for: death metal; bands who used to own a dog that mysteriously disappeared.

UNPLEASANT SOUNDS: Clagg, Grott, Thrudvangar, Urskumug, Drudkh, Grom, GWAR, Noothgrush. Best for: Viking metal; bands who spend more on costumes than on equipment.

WIZARDLY REFERENCES: Alchemist, Deathspell Omega, Mystic Circle, Eldritch, the Black Mages, RuneMagick, Ceremonial Castings, Incantation, Pentagram. Best for: doom metal; bands whose lead singer is really, really baked.

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