Given that I'm doing so much more of it lately, I've been thinking about writing an occasional series on driving, and things that drivers do that upset me, because my life had no meaning until I discovered road rage. Among other topics, we will cover the following:
- Stay In Your Goddamn Lane
- Get Off The Fucking Phone
- Your Car Is Not Your House
- Drive Faster
- Rain Does Not Make Your Car Melt
- Pay Attention
- Sports Car Asshole
- You Are Bald
- Those Other Moving Things Are Cars
- I Hate You
However, I would like to lead off with this fairly obvious bit of wisdom: driving is not hard. There is no reason that so many people should be bad at it, because it's really easy. How do I know this? Because I am a good driver, and I suck at everything. So if I can do it, so can you.
- Stay In Your Goddamn Lane
- Get Off The Fucking Phone
- Your Car Is Not Your House
- Drive Faster
- Rain Does Not Make Your Car Melt
- Pay Attention
- Sports Car Asshole
- You Are Bald
- Those Other Moving Things Are Cars
- I Hate You
However, I would like to lead off with this fairly obvious bit of wisdom: driving is not hard. There is no reason that so many people should be bad at it, because it's really easy. How do I know this? Because I am a good driver, and I suck at everything. So if I can do it, so can you.
Comments
Sports Car Asshole
thinks he's Dale Earnhart
Sports Car Asshole
always on the phone
and when he changes lanes, he never checks his mirrors
(Casiotone solo)
-No, You Can't Talk and Drive*
-Snow Problem
-I Let You In Front of Me, Stop Being a Dick
-Secure Your Payload
*Redundant to your own headings.
-Please Turn Off Your Brights As You Approach Me
-That Sticky-Outie Thingy on the Steering Wheel Is a Turn Signal
-Your Music Sucks; Close Your Windows
-Green Means Go
-Leftmost Lanes Go Faster Than Rightward Ones
-Die Quietly
I don't really care about other peoples' bad music. That's why I have a loud stereo of my own.
Gunning your engine just as the light turns red so that you can run said red light with a very, very slightly less chance of getting creamed by the oncoming city bus with the right-of-way than you would if you ran it at a mere 55 MPH, aside from the fact that I’m almost positive it’s still illegal, is insanely, suicidally stupid.
But gunning your engine as the lights turn red NOT so that you can run it, but rather so that you can beat the pedestrians INTO the crosswalk and fucking PARK in it for the duration of your red light, forcing us to walk around you and out in to the oncoming traffic in order to cross the street is, I believe, legal grounds for me to reach into your car, drag you out onto the asphalt and reduce your testicles to custard with the handle of my ginormous “Welcome to the Building” gift umbrella, motherfucker. In three states, and I’m pretty sure this is one of them.
I had someone give me the dirty look the other night and I totally wanted to jump out of my car and yell at her. I mean, c'mon, I made a mistake but I corrected my mistake. I think she should have been nicer to me. I'm always nice when people get out of my way. Not that this is still bothering me or anything...
-You can't fucking stop there
-Get off my tail
-I'm not running this light for you
Gaaah, WHY DON'T PEOPLE DO THIS, IT MAKES ME CRAZY. We all have to wait through another cycle of the light because this schmuck doesn't want to go past a line someone painted on the street.
Get off my tail
My chapter on this is entitled "Ask Your Insurance Company What Happens If You Hit Me From Behind".
AAAAAAAAAAAH
I USE TURN SIGNALS TO GO INTO MY DRIVEWAY AT 4AM WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND
ASSHOLES
- Pick a lane
- Right on red does NOT give you the right of way
- If the lane next to you is going the SAME speed, but has space for you to move up one whole extra car - you will NOT get anywhere faster
- If you're in such a damn hurry, try leaving the house earlier
- If you're NOT in a big enough damn hurry to go the speed limit, don't leave the house at all
- If you turn right on red when I have a green left turn arrow, it's ok for me to squish you - my friend the cop said so
- I hate all of you . . .you're stupid