Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

I look forward to the day when all entertainment options are delivered in poll form

So it seems likely that I am going to a Halloween party this year. I may yet duck it because I'm so unspeakably busy freelancing, but failing that, I will be attending my first fancy-dress soiree in a couple of years.

Now, it is very likely that I will spend a terrible amount of my precious time selecting and constructing just the right costume, intricate, clever and played to the hilt, only to show up at the party and see a hundred store-bought Austin Powers and Sexy Nurses drunk on Goldschlager. That's fine. I've made my peace with that. The only person I need to satisfy is myself, and to a far lesser extent, you.

The problem is, there are but a few costume options available to your middle-aged fat man, and they grow fewer as I get older and fatter. I lack the élan of a Homer Simpson, the perspicacity of a Peter Griffin, the tonsorial daring of an Uncle Marvel. And so I turn to the classics.

The possibilities:

IGNATIUS J. REILLY (from John Kennedy Toole's novel A Confederacy of Dunces)
GEAR NEEDED: floppy hat, false moustache, lumber jacket, cardboard cutlass, overactive pyloric valve
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, hilarious, possibly recognizable, gives opportunity to speak in overwrought pseudo-medieval argot all night
DRAWBACKS: possibly not recognizable, likely a tad too predictable for a self-loathing fat man

BENNY PROFANE (from Thomas Pynchon's novel V.)
GEAR NEEDED: cowboy hat, black jeans, cowboy boots, drinking problem, low self-esteem
ADVANTAGES: I already have all those things
DRAWBACKS: not recognizable, character is rather younger than me, boring

PIGGY (from William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies)
GEAR NEEDED: Coke-bottle glasses, British schoolboy outfit, ass-mar inhaler
ADVANTAGES: possibly recognizable, easily converted into Angus Young costume
DRAWBACKS: sight of me in British schoolboy outfit likely to trigger epidemic of vomiting and uncomfortable looks

GREGOR SAMSA (from Franz Kafka's story The Metamorphosis)
GEAR NEEDED: giant cockroach outfit
ADVANTAGES: role would require simply donning giant cockroach outfit and avoiding human contact
DRAWBACKS: much like my normal life except with expensive giant cockroach outfit, homemade cockroach outfit would be very expensive and time-consuming, store-bought cockroach outfit would be very expensive and cheesy

BIG BROTHER (from George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, military uniform, glowering expression, fake TV screen to stand behind
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, would give me the opportunity to have people arrested for treason
DRAWBACKS: unnervingly similar to dressing up like Hitler or Stalin

DR. GONZO (from Hunter S. Thompson's book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas )
GEAR NEEDED: Hawaiian shirt, flowered briefcase with "Chicano Power" sticker, loud tie, huge knife
ADVANTAGES: fun, possibly recognizable, gives opportunity to get outrageously fucked up on drugs and alcohol
DRAWBACKS: possibility that I will be murdered by cocaine dealers

CHARLES FOSTER KANE (from Orson Welles' film Citizen Kane)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, smoking jacket, patrician demeanor, cigarette holder, billions of dollars
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, possibly recognizable, possibility dancing girls will sing a song in praise of me
DRAWBACKS: a tad grandiose

KASPAR GUTMAN (from Daishell Hammett's novel The Maltese Falcon)
GEAR NEEDED: all-white suit, bald pate, cane, sadistic homosexual henchman
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, entertaining, chance to match wits with drunk guy dressed as Bogart
DRAWBACKS: possibly addictive

MR. SOPHISTICATION (from John Cassavetes' film The Killing of a Chinese Bookie)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, extremely garish tuxedo, microphone, severely creepy banter
ADVANTAGES: inspired, simple
DRAWBACKS: unsettling, absolutely the most pointlessly obscure costume in history of mankind

OLDER JAKE LAMOTTA (from Martin Scorsese's film Raging Bull)
GEAR NEEDED: sweaty tux, big cigar, hot blonde to verbally berate
ADVANTAGES: easy, involves hot blonde
DRAWBACKS: really not so much a costume as just a suit, involves repeatedly bashing bare forehead against concrete wall

And now, inevitably, the part where you fill out a form.

Poll #1074054 Hell(oween) is for Children

What should be my Halloween costume this year?

Ignatius J. Reilly
6(11.8%)
Benny Profane
0(0.0%)
Piggy
4(7.8%)
Gregor Samsa
1(2.0%)
Big Brother
6(11.8%)
Dr. Gonzo
14(27.5%)
Charles Foster Kane
7(13.7%)
Kaspar Gutman
6(11.8%)
Mr. Sophistication
1(2.0%)
Jake La Motta
1(2.0%)
you shouldn't wear a costume
1(2.0%)
you shouldn't even go to the party
0(0.0%)
those ideas are all terrible and I hate you
0(0.0%)
don't know/don't care
2(3.9%)
I have an even more great idea which you can read about in Comments
2(3.9%)
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