Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

I look forward to the day when all entertainment options are delivered in poll form

So it seems likely that I am going to a Halloween party this year. I may yet duck it because I'm so unspeakably busy freelancing, but failing that, I will be attending my first fancy-dress soiree in a couple of years.

Now, it is very likely that I will spend a terrible amount of my precious time selecting and constructing just the right costume, intricate, clever and played to the hilt, only to show up at the party and see a hundred store-bought Austin Powers and Sexy Nurses drunk on Goldschlager. That's fine. I've made my peace with that. The only person I need to satisfy is myself, and to a far lesser extent, you.

The problem is, there are but a few costume options available to your middle-aged fat man, and they grow fewer as I get older and fatter. I lack the élan of a Homer Simpson, the perspicacity of a Peter Griffin, the tonsorial daring of an Uncle Marvel. And so I turn to the classics.

The possibilities:

IGNATIUS J. REILLY (from John Kennedy Toole's novel A Confederacy of Dunces)
GEAR NEEDED: floppy hat, false moustache, lumber jacket, cardboard cutlass, overactive pyloric valve
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, hilarious, possibly recognizable, gives opportunity to speak in overwrought pseudo-medieval argot all night
DRAWBACKS: possibly not recognizable, likely a tad too predictable for a self-loathing fat man

BENNY PROFANE (from Thomas Pynchon's novel V.)
GEAR NEEDED: cowboy hat, black jeans, cowboy boots, drinking problem, low self-esteem
ADVANTAGES: I already have all those things
DRAWBACKS: not recognizable, character is rather younger than me, boring

PIGGY (from William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies)
GEAR NEEDED: Coke-bottle glasses, British schoolboy outfit, ass-mar inhaler
ADVANTAGES: possibly recognizable, easily converted into Angus Young costume
DRAWBACKS: sight of me in British schoolboy outfit likely to trigger epidemic of vomiting and uncomfortable looks

GREGOR SAMSA (from Franz Kafka's story The Metamorphosis)
GEAR NEEDED: giant cockroach outfit
ADVANTAGES: role would require simply donning giant cockroach outfit and avoiding human contact
DRAWBACKS: much like my normal life except with expensive giant cockroach outfit, homemade cockroach outfit would be very expensive and time-consuming, store-bought cockroach outfit would be very expensive and cheesy

BIG BROTHER (from George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, military uniform, glowering expression, fake TV screen to stand behind
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, would give me the opportunity to have people arrested for treason
DRAWBACKS: unnervingly similar to dressing up like Hitler or Stalin

DR. GONZO (from Hunter S. Thompson's book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas )
GEAR NEEDED: Hawaiian shirt, flowered briefcase with "Chicano Power" sticker, loud tie, huge knife
ADVANTAGES: fun, possibly recognizable, gives opportunity to get outrageously fucked up on drugs and alcohol
DRAWBACKS: possibility that I will be murdered by cocaine dealers

CHARLES FOSTER KANE (from Orson Welles' film Citizen Kane)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, smoking jacket, patrician demeanor, cigarette holder, billions of dollars
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, possibly recognizable, possibility dancing girls will sing a song in praise of me
DRAWBACKS: a tad grandiose

KASPAR GUTMAN (from Daishell Hammett's novel The Maltese Falcon)
GEAR NEEDED: all-white suit, bald pate, cane, sadistic homosexual henchman
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, entertaining, chance to match wits with drunk guy dressed as Bogart
DRAWBACKS: possibly addictive

MR. SOPHISTICATION (from John Cassavetes' film The Killing of a Chinese Bookie)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, extremely garish tuxedo, microphone, severely creepy banter
ADVANTAGES: inspired, simple
DRAWBACKS: unsettling, absolutely the most pointlessly obscure costume in history of mankind

OLDER JAKE LAMOTTA (from Martin Scorsese's film Raging Bull)
GEAR NEEDED: sweaty tux, big cigar, hot blonde to verbally berate
ADVANTAGES: easy, involves hot blonde
DRAWBACKS: really not so much a costume as just a suit, involves repeatedly bashing bare forehead against concrete wall

And now, inevitably, the part where you fill out a form.

Poll #1074054 Hell(oween) is for Children

What should be my Halloween costume this year?

Ignatius J. Reilly
Benny Profane
Gregor Samsa
Big Brother
Dr. Gonzo
Charles Foster Kane
Kaspar Gutman
Mr. Sophistication
Jake La Motta
you shouldn't wear a costume
you shouldn't even go to the party
those ideas are all terrible and I hate you
don't know/don't care
I have an even more great idea which you can read about in Comments

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