RS: Hi, Truck! I’m so excited to be on your show!
TC: We’re excited to have you. Now, what do you do in Whiteland?
RS: I’m a homemaker. I believe God intended for women to have dominion over the home and not to work.
TC: Where did God say that?
RS: In a dream I had once in the hospital.
TC: Okay. Now let’s meet Turl Buckford, a roof and plating engineer from Wenatchee, Washington. Turl, what’s a roof and plating engineer?
TB: I don’t know.
TC: Really? What do you do?
TB: I just give people my card and then hang around their house until they pay me to leave.
TC: Great. Our last contestant for today is Smedley Ague, who’s a rare book tormenter from Ponca City, Oklahoma. That’s quite a cravat you’re wearing, Smedley.
SA: Thank you. It’s from the “Napoleon in Silks” collection of Mssr. Éventé of Van Nuys.
TC: Are you all ready to play Who’s Getting Punched in the Back of the Head?
ALL: Yeah, uh huh, I suppose so, can’t we go to the park instead?, etc.
TC: All right. Here are today’s clues as to the identity of our victim. First, it is either a man or a woman. Second, the victim is involved with nature. Third, it is not Criss Angel. Smedley, you won the spitting contest backstage, so you get to guess first.
SA: Is it a child?
TC: No. It is either a man or a woman.
SA: A child is either a man or a woman.
TC: No it’s not.
SA: That’s what you said about flowers last week.
TC: Moving on. Mrs. Sperley?
RS: I think it’s Criss Angel.
TC: No, no, I specifically said it was not Criss Angel.
RS: I just really want to see Criss Angel get punched in the back of the head.
TC: Turl Buckford, what’s your guess? Turl?
SA: He went out for a smoke.
TC: All right. Since you were both terribly wrong, I’m giving him today’s prize of $7.94 and a bus ticket to Lodi, the Zinfandel Capital of the World.
SA: Well, what was the answer?
Smedley is punched in the back of the head.
RS: That was my next guess.