Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

Laboring under a misapprehension

"So, Fatso," none of you have asked me, "I bet this writer's strike is really biting into your freelance income, eh?"

Not really. I am not a member of the Writer's Guild of America, but rather the National Writer's Union, an altogether lamer outfit for dorkos and gaywads. We could all of us go on strike, or indeed die in a volcanic explosion, and the world would not even notice. "WRITING THINGS THAT NO ONE READS", I believe is our slogan, but I'm not sure because the newsletters are so boring even I don't read them. (The NWU, no joke, is a subsidiary of the United Auto Workers. No, I don't know why.) We sent the head of the WGA a letter of solidarity, and he used it as a cocktail napkin.

However, I am always ready to stand by my brothers and sisters during a strike. Here is what I will be doing to support my fellows at the WGA.

1. I will continue not watching television, just as I have been doing since the fourth game of the World Series. If necessary, I am willing to not watch television until next April.

2. If I catch anyone badmouthing Patric Verrone, President of the Writer's Guild of America (West), I will burn their eyes out with a blowtorch.

3. For the duration of the WGA strike, I will only take writing jobs that are offered to me, and which pay money.

4. If any of the writing jobs I am offered are those which would previously have been performed by WGA members, I will know how incredibly desperate the studios have become.

5. I will masturbate only to photographs in magazines, unaccompanied by text, and not to images in film or television programs, for the duration of the strike. This I vow, even if it means not thinking about Mindy Kaling for several long, agonizing months.

6. I will write a freestyle battle rap which revolves around key issues of the strike -- but I will not let anyone read it.

7. I will think of big-time Hollywood producers and studio executives as amoral, money-grubbing, swindlers with the ethical standards of a bloodworm. I will continue to do this even after the strike is settled, in fact.

8. I will come up with awesome ideas for blockbuster movies and give them away for free to people on the internet, thus robbing the studio heads of valuable moneymaking concepts. First up: a big-screen TV remake called The Courtship of Eddie's Vampire.

9. For the cost of one round-trip ticket to L.A. or N.Y. and five-star accommodations and a $100-per-day meals allowance, I will beat on the scab of your choice with a blunt instrument.

10. I will refuse to read any traffic signs, pharmaceutical warning labels, court orders, notices of non-payment or weather reports until the strike is settled.


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