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Romney: Giuliani has cooties

So, interesting debate last night, don't you think? Some highlights follow.


Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani, NY: “Immigration is what made this country, and especially the city of New York, of which I was the heroic mayor on 9/11, great. But it’s perfect now and doesn’t need to get any greater, so there shouldn’t be any more immigrants, especially illegal ones who work for Mitt Romney.”

Rev. Michael D. Huckabee, AR: “I think immigrants should have the right to come to our country and get rich and fat, and then lose a bunch of weight, like I did. Although I am not an immigrant. And although I’m no longer fat, I’m still rich.”

Duncan Lee Hunter, CA: “Hi, everyone! I’m Duncan Hunter and I’m running for President! I come from California, where I am…what? Out of time? Oh, okay.”

John Sidney McCain III, AZ: “Immigrants are human beings just like you and I and they deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Except for gooks.”

Ronald Ernest Paul, TX: “The only aliens who should be allowed across our borders are my great masters from the planet Zontar.”

Willard Mitt Romney, MA: “Rudy Giuliani is one to talk, because he had like twenty illegal immigrants picking up his used condoms at the publicly-funded Hamptons love nest he maintained while having an affair with his girlfriend. Also, he should go screw himself sideways with a shrimp fork.”

Thomas Gerard Tancredo, CO: “The best approach to illegal immigration is to grind up all Mexicans into a sticky paste and use it to build a gigantic wall for keeping Muslims out.”

Fred Dalton Thompson, SC: “Well, as I said when I played Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in the hit movie The Hunt for Red October, ‘This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.’ And by ‘we’ I mean white people.”


Rudy Giuliani: “I am in favor of the death penalty for terrorists, such as the ones I heroically opposed when I was mayor of New York on 9/11. Also for hot dog vendors and black people who might have wallets.”

Mike Huckabee : “I am for the death penalty because some crimes are so heinous that there is no other way to fix them. And apparently I believe that killing people will ‘fix’ murder.”

Duncan Hunter : “I represent the 52nd district, in Riverside, and among other achievements I authored the Parents’ Empowerment Act, which…hey, I don’t think my mic is working. Hello?”

John McCain : “Whichever is the answer that will get me elected President, that’s the one I’m for. If it’s pro-, I think we should execute people for downloading mp3s. If it’s anti-, I think Charles Manson should be mayor of Hollywood. If it’s ‘John McCain should suck shit through a flat cardboard straw’, then prep that shit in a blender, because I want to be President, goddamnit.”

Ron Paul : “As ‘the official candidate of the internet’, I…what? No, I’m not ashamed to say those words in public, why do you ask?”

Mitt Romney : “I am for or against this proposal, proposition or policy.”

Tom Tancredo: “The death penalty should be executed fairly and without prejudice or favor to Negroes, liberals, terror Arabs, homosexual baby-rapists, and homeless people alike.”

Fred Thompson : “Well, as I said when I played FBI Special Agent Dale Grissom in the hit movie Baby’s Day Out, ‘We’re going back to the tick-tock, to get the boo-boo!’ By which, in this instance, I mean executing people is awesome.”


Giuliani: “I’m in favor of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy. I would also like to mention that I am 100% man’s man, as should be obvious from my many extramarital affairs.”

Mike Huckabee : “I think our current policy is working just fine. And I am not like those fruity Catholic priests who can’t have sex. I am married with three children.”

Duncan Hunter : “Well, it’s a complex issue that…what? Out of time? I only had like three seconds! Come the fuck on! I…ah, fuck it, I’m gonna go get drunk with Alan Keyes after the debate.”

John McCain : “What happens one balmy summer night between an American soldier and his cruel but handsome gook tormentor is nobody’s business but their own.”

Ron Paul : “Allow me to answer that question by having my deranged supporters shout down any opposition to whatever response I eventually give.”

Mitt Romney : “Whatever Giuliani says, I say double opposites. Some guy told me he was a queer-mo, too, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

Tom Tancredo: “To show my support for the bedrock principles of American conservativism, I will personally beat the shit out of a fag in front of the Capitol building on my first day as president.”

Fred Thompson : “Well, as I said when I played CIA Director John Marshall in the hit movie No Way Out, homosexuals are all damned to suffer eternal torment in the fires of Hell, if you believe the Old Testament. Which I do!”


Nov. 29th, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC)
That's the part that kills me about the immigration "debate" - I mean, just look at Pat Buchanan, going on and on about "losing the Southwest" to the brown hordes streaming across the border. Apparently America hit its peak right around the time we set quotas for Chinese and Japanese, and we've been going downhill ever since.
Nov. 29th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC)
The important thing is that we don't hinder the ability of white people to travel freely.
Nov. 29th, 2007 06:52 pm (UTC)
I believe the exact quote was: “I’m in favor of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy, which was already in place on 9/11, when I was mayor of New York City, on 9/11. I would also like to mention that I am 100% man’s man, as should be obvious from my many extramarital affairs. 9/11.”

Otherwise, great job!
Nov. 29th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC)
Wait, hold on, was Giuliani mayor of New York on 9/11?
Nov. 29th, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC)
Poor Duncan Hunter. I want to send him a cookiegram.
Nov. 29th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC)
Well, to be fair, he is an asshole.
Nov. 29th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
the other day, i saw some political-themed calendars: the hilary clinton calendar, the barack obama calendar, the john mccain calendar. i think i'm going to make my own rudy guiliani calendar, in which every day will be 9/11.
Nov. 29th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
YOu know, you could quite seriously make a millllllllion dollars with such a thing.

In fact, if you don't, I may.
Nov. 29th, 2007 10:09 pm (UTC)
Rude-dolph is listed in wikipedia as: Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani.
But those middle names are boring. He needs something more traditional, something snappier, something like
Exacto Knife.
Nov. 29th, 2007 11:25 pm (UTC)
I’m gonna go get drunk with Alan Keyes after the debate.

Hey, you know, that sounds like it might be a good time.
Nov. 30th, 2007 01:45 am (UTC)
Much as I hate to claim the guy, that Fred Thompson guy is from TN. From Lawrenceburg to Watergate mole... what a country!


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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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