Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Ugly Rappers R. In Dainja

Ever since Fat Lace dropped the word back in 2000 we’ve known it: rap music is one of the last areas of showbiz where truly ugly people can still make that mayonnaise. But lately, some of the most broke-down grills in hip-hop have been fading away. Peep this:

ODB: dead
BIG PUN: dead
BIGGIE: dead
PROOF from D12: dead
SNOOP: making teenage sex comedies, the sellout bitch
BIZ MARKIE: strickly on the low, retreated to his big-ass Long Isle mansion to play with Barbies
FAT JOE: ever since “Make It Rain” he gets into the clubs for free so he think he ain’t busted no more

This will not stand. Motherfuckers can’t feel they self-esteem having to look at Hollywood pretty on the daily. We need more rappers who seem like they do a mic check by plunging their face into a monitor. We need more guys who started cypherin’ because they was too ugly for the NBA. We need more MCs who spend their royalties on Church’s chicken and menthol cigarettes instead of cosmetic surgery and their own line of cologne.

Guys like…

LI'L' WAYNE. Broham gots a six in the belly, to be sure, but his face looks like he had a bad encounter as a young man with a fish hook and a tasty nightcrawler.

LI'L' JOHN. Considering he's the man who brought grillz into the mainstream, I suspect he's just got some nasty fucked up teeth. Plus he rocks those white-boy style dreads, the kind you get from just not washing your hair for a long time.

IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE. With that molester mustache and the look like he got dropped on his chrome when he was little and when the doctor put him back together he didn't quite line up right, I.T. could be the new Biz, if only he had a sense of humor.

JAY-Z. I hate to bust on the guy, he's a dope rhymer and he makes a fine line of urban streetwear, but he looks sorta like someone ran Biggie Smalls through a pasta machine.

RAHZEL. You mean the Human EAT Box, haw haw! Because he fat, see.

(EDITED TO ADD: Lest I be accused of discriminating in favor of Whitey, I should mention Vinnie Paz of Jedi Mind Tricks, who may be not only the ugliest rapper of all time but perhaps the ugliest anything of all time. Not only is he straight-up gaffle-faced, but all his fans is ugly too.)

Well, fellow babies? Who else needs to go on the Ugly Rappers All-Star Posse Throwdown bonus track?
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  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…