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The People's Republic of Journalistan

Well, it’s official: in the history of overblown hysteria over decisions made by LiveJournal management, the sale of the company to a Russian internet concern is the overblowniest. While we’re all waiting for the Reds to come shut down our free speech, imprison us for thinking about Harry Potter slash, and end democracy as we know it, allow me to suggest what the glorious future may have in store.

- Five-year plan in which content is taken out of the hands of blogging kulaks and handed over to revolutionary committee headed by formerly blogless serfs.

- Only acceptable LJ icons moving forward will be of Vladimir Putin, Roman Abramovich, and t.A.t.U.

- Frank, the LiveJournal cartoon goat mascot, to be replaced by image of a tractor with smiley-face pin attached to gear shift knob.

- Users in Nevada, Utah and Arizona systematically starved of RSS feeds, are forced to recycle months-old links to survive. Decades later, this period in history becomes known as the Holoblog.

- Surprisingly, level of alcoholism and depression on LiveJournal remains exactly the same.

- LJ Terms of Service are replaced by badly misspelled copy of “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion”.

- After widespread user protests, polling feature is reinstated after an initial suspension; however, polls will only be able to contain one option.

- 627% rise in Yakov Smirnoff references.

- Name of company is changed to “Glorious People’s Revolutionary Journal”; still less idiotic than “Insane Journal” and other copycat sites.

- After massive exodus from incipient pogrom of longtime users, MySpace takes advantage of new influx of customers to make site even more annoying, unnavigable and alienating than ever.

Comments

( 39 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
drownedinink
Dec. 3rd, 2007 04:50 pm (UTC)
You can't fool me, pinko. I've seen Red Dawn!
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
WOLVERIIIIIIIINES
BLANK - kittiethedragon - Dec. 18th, 2007 04:16 am (UTC) - Expand
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perich
Dec. 3rd, 2007 04:52 pm (UTC)
Users in Nevada, Utah and Arizona systematically starved of RSS feeds, are forced to recycle months-old links to survive.

I saw Polyakov hoarding some Michael Vick-related blog posts this morning. Let's torch his house!
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
I'd love to help, but I must stay here and airbrush out all images of the traitor Fitzpatrovich out of our textbooks.
BLANK - nosrialleon - Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
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nosrialleon
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
So. Much. Wank.
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:05 pm (UTC)
You know, if you go to Wikipedia and look up LiveJournal, there's a "Controversies" section, and every one of them is pretty much idiotic. I guess I should be doing something terribly controversial so I can be properly outraged at the abuses of my free speech rights that are apparently happening, or about to happen, or will inevitably happen one day. And then I can go and use one of the ten kerbillion other blogging hosts in the world, thus narrowly averting total catastrophe.
BLANK - rjwhite - Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
elston
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC)
- All users must defriend any Uzbeks on their friends list. Do not comment on their journals.
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
They are the weak link in the chain of socialism the Internet 2.0.

Edited at 2007-12-03 05:11 pm (UTC)
dabroots
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:06 pm (UTC)
Very good.
roninspoon
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
Given what I know of the Russian internet movement and their regard for international law, I fully expect that this new agreement will impact LJ users in dramatic and new ways.

Soon, posting child porn images will, while not mandatory, be highly encouraged by new management.

Every new poll will include an attachment that is either a pirated song in DRM free format, or a virus. Selection is semi random.
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
A terrifyingly large number of journals will feature underage camgirls with too much makeup begging for money.

Oh, wait, that already happened.
BLANK - oilyrags - Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
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oilyrags
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
In Soviet Russia, change overreacts to YOU!
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
ZING!
calamityjon
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
The only thing that bothers me about the persistent spazzing out over LiveJournal policy changes and handing off to assorted new owners here and there, is that it distracts wholly from the fact that LiveJournal hasn't offered a substantive technological or content-related improvement in its services in seven or eight years.

If I had to choose between effecting some change against the tsar's imminent acquisition of my Harry Potter slash community, or replacing LJ's unnecessary propietary page-handling code with standard CSS, I kinda know what I'm gonna choose.
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:32 pm (UTC)
According to Comrade Fitzpatrovich, our new corporate overlords -- or, as I like to call them, the SUP Commies -- are pushing to invest a ton of new technology $ in LJ, which is much much much bigger in Russia than it is here. So we'll see, I guess.
BLANK - rjwhite - Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
lauri8
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
All imbedded or linked video clips henceforth shall be confined to footage from the 1972 Summer Olympics men's basketball gold medal game.

"Вы слабы!"
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:58 pm (UTC)
The official LiveJournal company car is now a refurbished T-72 Soviet main battle tank, with a sun roof and a little picture of a swirling blue pencil on the side instead of a red star.
BLANK - hipsterdetritus - Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - kittiethedragon - Dec. 18th, 2007 04:20 am (UTC) - Expand
johnnylemonhead
Dec. 3rd, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
t.A.t.U., what a blast from the past.
ludickid
Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:01 pm (UTC)
They're back together! They have a new album out and everything. Just like the Spice Girls. It's 1999 all over again!
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joshwand
Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:05 pm (UTC)
in soviet russia, yakov smirnoff references YOU!
kudaspeaks
Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:15 pm (UTC)
As I always say, thank god for you, Mr. Leonard A. Pierce and your friends list making spazzhands all the livelong day. I wouldn't know about these things from mine, because we are into Livejournal mostly as a touch typing exercise. I hardly ever look at the keyboard anymore now!
kudaspeaks
Dec. 3rd, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC)
P.S. Is there a newsletter that I'm missing, because I never get notified when my Jawa slashfic is endangered by Russian phishers. I have to spy on your friendslist like a sucker.
BLANK - ludickid - Dec. 3rd, 2007 09:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 39 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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