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I'm not so good at preparing for the future in terms of stuff like paying taxes, saving for retirement, making my imminent death more painless, or planning for where I'm going to sleep from one night to the next, but I have, at least, started thinking about my RAC membership.

As you probably already know, when you hit 40, you get a complimentary membership in the Reactionary Aging Crank Book Club, and your first dozen titles are only a dollar, plus a paragraph-long essay about how much more you could buy with a dollar when you were young. Each subsequent title, shipped monthly, costs 3.5 million brain cells. Here are the ones I've narrowed it down to for my initial selections:

It Seems Unlikely That Crime Was Ever As Bad As It Is Right Now

I Have Rationally And Intelligently Arrived At A Political Position That Just Happens To Allow Me To Keep All Of My Money

Back When I Was A Kid And My Parents Complained About How The Music Of The 1980s Was The Worst Ever, I Always Thought They Were Full Of Shit, And I Was Right, Because The Worst Music Ever Is The Music Of Today

The Bigotry Of My Excpectations: How A Criticism Of Any Single Member Of A Group To Which I Belong Is Clearly An Attack On The Entire Group, And Why I Am Outraged About It

Everyone's Child-Rearing Methods Are Stupid Except Mine

Now That I Have Money, I Can See No Reason To Ever Talk About Anything Else Again
(from the author of Now That I Am Sick, I Can See No Reason To Ever Talk About Anything Else Again)

My Problems Are Self-Evidently Worse Than Yours, Which Is Why You Were Able To Do Something About Yours Whereas All I Can Possibly Do Is Complain

My Utter Intolerance Of Everyone Who Disagrees With Me About Anything Is Cute Because I Call It A Fancy Word

Feeling Paralytically Guilty About The Advantages You've Had In Life, Or Denying That They Were Advantages At All: Which Is Right For You?

Seeing How Sexualized Young Women Are Today Makes Me Wish I'd Never Had That Daughter When I Was Sixteen And Unmarried

I Am Not An Old Fuddy-Duddy Like All The Rest Of The People My Age: It's Just That On This And Every Other Issue, You Happen To Be Wrong

Most Balding Men In Their Forties Buy A Fancy Car To Try And Impress Young Girls And Cheat On Their Wives, But I Think Candi Down At The 7-11 Is Really Just Responding To My Personality

My Inexplicable Sudden Interest In 'Spirituality'

Through A Rigorous Amount Of Research, I Have Discovered That The Place That I Happen To Live Right Now Is Better Than Any Other Place In America

Why Renting Or Owning Is Obviously The Better Choice Depending On Whether You Rent Or Own

How To Never, Ever Compliment Or Congratulate Someone Else Without Somehow Making It About You

Changing Your Life Without Actually Doing Anything

Since I Am Attractive Right Now, I Feel Justified In Looking Down On People Who Aren't As Hot As I Am, Because I Have A Gut Feeling That I Will Be The First Person In Human History To Stop Aging Without Dying

The Music Scene In My Town Really Started To Suck Right Around The Time That I Started Needing To Go To Bed Early

Leonard Pierce's Guide To Writing Incredibly Overlong Gag Lines


Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:07 pm (UTC)
Nice work.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Howie!
Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC)
I dunno, I think conservative book titles have reached a point that is beyond parody.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
The sad thing is I knew what book that was before even clicking the link.
BLANK - vito_excalibur - Jan. 3rd, 2008 05:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
Thenk you...
Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
I like this.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
And it likes you, little bunny!
BLANK - felixbunay - Jan. 3rd, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 3rd, 2008 02:45 pm (UTC)
I'd like a membership for my uncle, please.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
Nothin' on there for you, huh?
BLANK - snurri - Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 3rd, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
I Am Not An Old Fuddy-Duddy Like All The Rest Of The People My Age: It's Just That On This And Every Other Issue, You Happen To Be Wrong

the perfect gift for my pseudo-father in law!
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
I'll see if I can get him an autographed copy.

Hey, I got my CPAC tickets today! It turns out there's a DRESS CODE, for corn's sake.
BLANK - johnnylemonhead - Jan. 3rd, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
All my best jokes, I steal from you - feisty_robot - Jan. 3rd, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: All my best jokes, I steal from you - ludickid - Jan. 3rd, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC)
I wondered where my father got all those.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
I am delighted that I am approaching the age where I start to remind people of their fathers. WHAT LARKS.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
A Series Of Conversations With An Eccentric Character That Either Justified My Life Choices or Condemned The Ones I Could Change Easiest

It All Boils Down To This One Phrase In Bold Print on Page 44; Yes That's Right, Everything From The Code of Hammurabi to Facebook Selling User Info

I Reached An Arbitrary Age and Discovered The Sassy New Attitude That I Had At Fifteen
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
From the author of There Is No Earthly Reason That You Should Ever Stop Acting Like a 22-Year Old.
BLANK - perich - Jan. 3rd, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Isn't this a summary of any randomly selected two weeks of the Bleat?

Also you missed my favorite, Don't Look At Me Like That: All I'm Saying Is David Brooks Makes An Amusing Point.

Jan. 3rd, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
They're selling that in a two-pack along with I Have Become Interested In The Wall Street Journal Editorial Page For The First Time Ever.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
My dad is awfully fond of books like:

My Talk Show On Fox Is Proof That I Am An Expert On Everything And You Should Try To Pass Off My Opinions As Not Just Your Own But Vaguely Well-Informed, All Evidence To The Contrary Be Damned. Also, God And The Bible.

When I Use Words Like "Greatest" And "Best" To Describe The Group Of People Born In The Same Arbitrary Twenty-Year Period As Myself, It Has NOTHING To Do With Flattery, Self Or Otherwise

Did You Know That The Ideals Of The Enlightment Really Piss God Off? Well, They Do.

Latest In An Implausibly Successful Biblical Fiction Series Based On A Crazy Man's Ravings That We All Believe Are Totally Going To Come True


Folksy Wisdom That Will Reinforce Everything You Already Do, Anyway
Jan. 3rd, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
Those are some good ones! I also like:

We All Know I Am An Independent Maverick Thinker And So I Ask You Not To Make A Big Deal Over The Fact That The Conclusions I Reach In This Book Are Ones That Would Be Highly Beneficial To Certain Industries That Pay Me A Huge Stipend

It Is My Job To Make You Vaguely Ashamed Of All The Things You Believe In

My Son Died In A War And I Am Therefore Beyond Criticism

As An Entertainer Who Constantly Talks About My Political Leanings, I Urge You To Ignore Entertainers Who Constantly Talk About Their Political Leanings Unless They Are Me


Go Ahead And Call Me A Gigantic Asshole, I Will Just Say I Was 'Joking' And Then Who's The Asshole?
Jan. 3rd, 2008 06:26 pm (UTC)
Hey, you forgot: Let's Keep All the Damn Foreigners Out of America, Except Those Foreigners I Need to Keep My Decrepit Ass Alive, Clean My House, and Tend My Garden

And: When That Lady Wrote "Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free" -- Seriously, Folks, She Was Just Fuckin' With Ya

And: Immigrants SUCK! -- Except for Those Whose Couplings Eventually Produced Me

And: Just Because Your Ancestors Were Here Before Mine Doesn't Make You a "Native American"
Jan. 3rd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
My dad is a recent reader of My Inexplicable Sudden Interest In 'Spirituality', though I suspect it's not so much inexplicable and sudden as it is My New Girlfriend Likes This New Age Hippy Stuff and I'm Just Going Along With It.
Jan. 3rd, 2008 09:01 pm (UTC)
How To Never, Ever Compliment Or Congratulate Someone Else Without Somehow Making It About You -- Isn't that by the same person who wrote How to Never, Ever Say Something Supportive to Your Children Without Immediately Negating It With Criticism? That's my mom's favorite book.

Also, please send the Amazon.com link for My Son Died In A War And I Am Therefore Beyond Criticism so I can get copies for the businesses down in the Cincinnati area who've been giving free drinks/meals/whatever he can get away with to the father of a US soldier who's been listed MIA since the beginning of the war. They need to understand how they're supporting the war effort.