Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

RAC! How wack is your sack? Death-pack, what a brother lack

I'm not so good at preparing for the future in terms of stuff like paying taxes, saving for retirement, making my imminent death more painless, or planning for where I'm going to sleep from one night to the next, but I have, at least, started thinking about my RAC membership.

As you probably already know, when you hit 40, you get a complimentary membership in the Reactionary Aging Crank Book Club, and your first dozen titles are only a dollar, plus a paragraph-long essay about how much more you could buy with a dollar when you were young. Each subsequent title, shipped monthly, costs 3.5 million brain cells. Here are the ones I've narrowed it down to for my initial selections:

It Seems Unlikely That Crime Was Ever As Bad As It Is Right Now

I Have Rationally And Intelligently Arrived At A Political Position That Just Happens To Allow Me To Keep All Of My Money

Back When I Was A Kid And My Parents Complained About How The Music Of The 1980s Was The Worst Ever, I Always Thought They Were Full Of Shit, And I Was Right, Because The Worst Music Ever Is The Music Of Today

The Bigotry Of My Excpectations: How A Criticism Of Any Single Member Of A Group To Which I Belong Is Clearly An Attack On The Entire Group, And Why I Am Outraged About It

Everyone's Child-Rearing Methods Are Stupid Except Mine

Now That I Have Money, I Can See No Reason To Ever Talk About Anything Else Again
(from the author of Now That I Am Sick, I Can See No Reason To Ever Talk About Anything Else Again)

My Problems Are Self-Evidently Worse Than Yours, Which Is Why You Were Able To Do Something About Yours Whereas All I Can Possibly Do Is Complain

My Utter Intolerance Of Everyone Who Disagrees With Me About Anything Is Cute Because I Call It A Fancy Word

Feeling Paralytically Guilty About The Advantages You've Had In Life, Or Denying That They Were Advantages At All: Which Is Right For You?

Seeing How Sexualized Young Women Are Today Makes Me Wish I'd Never Had That Daughter When I Was Sixteen And Unmarried

I Am Not An Old Fuddy-Duddy Like All The Rest Of The People My Age: It's Just That On This And Every Other Issue, You Happen To Be Wrong

Most Balding Men In Their Forties Buy A Fancy Car To Try And Impress Young Girls And Cheat On Their Wives, But I Think Candi Down At The 7-11 Is Really Just Responding To My Personality

My Inexplicable Sudden Interest In 'Spirituality'

Through A Rigorous Amount Of Research, I Have Discovered That The Place That I Happen To Live Right Now Is Better Than Any Other Place In America

Why Renting Or Owning Is Obviously The Better Choice Depending On Whether You Rent Or Own

How To Never, Ever Compliment Or Congratulate Someone Else Without Somehow Making It About You

Changing Your Life Without Actually Doing Anything

Since I Am Attractive Right Now, I Feel Justified In Looking Down On People Who Aren't As Hot As I Am, Because I Have A Gut Feeling That I Will Be The First Person In Human History To Stop Aging Without Dying

The Music Scene In My Town Really Started To Suck Right Around The Time That I Started Needing To Go To Bed Early

Leonard Pierce's Guide To Writing Incredibly Overlong Gag Lines
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  • 30 comments

  • Why am I still doing this?

    #16. DJ AAK: Hey, new premise: let's get jobs! THE INTERNET: Vayner, an aspiring investment banker, sent a video titled "Impossible is…

  • You're all participating in a great experiment

    #11. DJ AAK: Enough of these comical fish-out-of-water assimilation scenarios. We need to get started on the mission. MC BOY: I'M ON A…

  • More of it

    #6. DJ AAK: All right, bitch, we need to culturally assimilate. MC BOY: HOW COME FOR YOU CALL ME A BITCH WHEN YOU ARE THE LADY AND I AM A…