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The Number 5ive

Remember when I used to update this thing alla time? Nowadays the LJ News Feed is updated more often than mine is, and that's being written by a bunch of Godless Russians. It's a God damned shame is what it is.


1. I had a pretty good weekend, although it was alternately busy and frustrating. It was around 76 degrees on Saturday, which occurred, according to my 2008 Workman Publishing 365 Tunes Calendar (written by LJ's own hipsterdetritus), on January 5th. Which is madness, pure madness. Also, sorry, ma, forgot to take out the trash, but I did get a surprising amount of work done on a hunk of fiction I've been batting around. And by "a surprising amount", I mean "a very small amount, but any time I get to work on fiction surprises me these days".

2. Speaking of fiction, in the last week, I encountered two different ones – a novel and a movie – in which part of the plot hinged on someone buying a gun from the want ads in the paper. Both of these stories were set in the past, because you can't do that shit anymore. GOOD TIMES, weren't they? Back when you could buy guns from the want ads? They took it all away but at least you can still get a hooker from Craigslist.

3. Speaking of guns, I've sort of come to terms with my insomnia and am even learning to enjoy it in a certain level, as it's allowed me to watch a lot more movies and has given me a great outlet for my driving-around-stoned-at-3:00-A.M. tendencies. But one of its major downsides is that I have a sneaking suspicion that if I keep not sleeping, I will eventually find myself in a convenience store on a Sunday morning before sunrise standing over a dead body. In order that this experience be as non-intrusive as possible, and to respect the needs of my host and fellow travelers, I'd like to hereby announce my intention not to sleep at all during my entire trip to Paris. I've never not slept for a week at a time before, and I figure if I give it a shot, it should be in a country where I have no access to firearms and with a relatively easygoing penal system.

4. Speaking of punishment, I am trying to get together a spoken comedy reading of the sort my funky fresh friend zulkey used to do (and still might) in Chicago. The problem I am having is that this town doesn't have much of a literary scene, let alone much of a literary humor scene, and the last thing in the fucking world I want to do is have this turn into a couple of hours of bad yet self-impressed stand-up. (Nor, as it happens, do I want it to turn into a goddamn poetry slam.) Does anyone have any advice? Should I just extend the franchise and invite Austin and Dallas people? Is there a secret way of discovering where a city's funny people hide? Should I just kill myself? Any advice on these questions is appreciated.

5. I just got an e-mail from Bill Clinton, saying that he and I have two things in common. Surprisingly, one of them was not "we both like getting our dicks sucked."


Jan. 7th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
one of them was not "we both like getting our dicks sucked."

He learned.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
You mean he learned not to like it, or he learned not to do it?
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
You think he can put his hand on the back of a woman's head these days without envisioning Ken Starr's beady eyes?
Jan. 7th, 2008 06:41 pm (UTC)
“Both of these stories were set in the past, because you can't do that shit anymore.”

A couple of years ago I saw some B-movie from the 70s (I can’t even remember what it was or what it was even about), but there was this scene where this guy has to fly somewhere to follow up on a lead or something, and he races to the airport, boards a plane, then whips a bunch of twenties out of his wallet to buy a ticket from the stewardess, who in those days, apparently, walked up and down the aisles with a change maker and a hole punch, like the conductors on the LIRR.

The bizarreness of that plot point is the only reason I remember anything about the movie at all.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
It's kind of astonishing the number of pre-1990 thrillers, action, and horror movies that are pretty much entirely obviated by the era of the internet and the cell phone.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
As in:

- Where's Tiffany?
- She's gone to the old fun house.
- But that's where the serial killer is!
- Okay, I'll give her a call on her mobile and tell her to meet us at Starbucks instead.

Jan. 7th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
That's how you did in on the People's Express airlines back in the late 70s-early 80s! They went bankrupt though.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
Man, People's Express! The HILLBILLY airline!
Jan. 7th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
Yes, the Greyhound of airlines. We used to take it to Florida. CHEAP, MAN! I remember the cashier going down the aisle. I wonder what happened if you actually couldn't pay.
Jan. 7th, 2008 06:47 pm (UTC)
Also, you may recall a recent post of mine about the difficulty I had in finding the reliably funny people in NYC, let alone San Antonio. But I would say, don’t necessarily rule out craigslist. Tell people to send you samples of their work, avoid disappointment by assuming most of it will suck, but keep an open mind and be prepared to be pleasantly surprised when you find something decent. And I would also say let anyone involve him or herself who is willing to drive from wherever they are to wherever you need them to be. That is both their problem and an indication of their motivation/commitment.

ALso also, do you necessarily need the people reading the work to be the authors? I assume that's the ideal, but you may find that you can find decent comedy writers anywhere, and at least as many competent out-of-work actors as you need in the SATX area, to read their stuff.
Jan. 7th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I want this to be more of a literary even than a dramatic one, so the readers should also be the writers. The last thing I wanna do is network with a bunch of out-of-work actors, I got enough headaches in my life.
Jan. 8th, 2008 02:24 am (UTC)
You and Bill Clinton both have grey pubes...so I've heard.
Jan. 8th, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
Sure, you've "heard". We all know about you and Bill, don't even front.
Jan. 8th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
You could invite me and my honey.
Jan. 8th, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
You know, I surely could.


flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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