Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

And now back to light humor

- I still have little to say about American Idol; the selection rounds are generally pretty dull unless you like freak-watching and even the post-selection rounds are kinda boring until they get down to around 20 or some other measurable number where you can get a feel for what the contestants look and sound like. Last night was moderately amusing because of the mold-breaking single father, and the reappearance of the hot Irish girl from S5 (I never forget a hot Irish girl), but tonight's show promises to be a real genetically damaged stew as they visit South Carolina.

The one thing that always kinda flips me is the people who actually get super-pissed when they don't make it because they are terrible singers. I'm entirely fascinated by the human capacity for self-deception, and especially when it's something super-obvious. Not to say that I myself have not engaged in self-deception; everyone has. But I'm really obsessed with it when it's something that you would think you can't fool yourself about. Like, I think I'm a moderately decent human being, and a pretty good writer, but I could easily be wrong about both things. However, the reason I call myself fat is because there are mirrors in my house, and the reason I say I can't draw is because I can see. There's no way I'm gonna go around telling people I can play the piano, because that's an easily falsifiable claim: just sit me in front of a fuckin' piano, and there you go. So what is with these people who are just really incredibly awful singers, but who think they can sing? Can't they hear themselves? I think I'm an okay singer, but I don't think I'm a good singer, because I know what good singing sounds like, and I don't hear it coming out of my mouth. As Simon asks the occasional suck-ass vocalist, "Do you own a radio?" I mean, there's wishful thinking; there's that level of hope that everyone evinces that you're better than you really are. But there's good singers who think they're great singers, and then there's people who literally cannot sing who think they're great singers. How does that happen? I am hypnotized by the question.

- This is today's featured article on the Wikipedia main page, and it contains one of my favorite sentences ever:

Because of marital problems, Bonnet turned to piracy in the summer of 1717.

I...what? How does that happen? What kind of "marital problems" could possibly cause you to become a pirate? Whether they're literal "marital problems" (you're a cheat, your wife is a domineering nag, you want kids but your spouse doesn't, etc.) or "marital problems" as code for sexual dysfunction (you can't get it up, your wife is frigid, you can't decide who wears the bunny suit, etc.), how does that possibly lead you to a life of high seas piracy? I have talked to a lot of people whose marriages were on the rocks or had already failed, and not one of them has ever said to me "Yeah, things just weren't working out for us, so naturally I became a pirate." That is a totally amazing sentence. Naturally it has no citation.

- I can't believe these pickup lines failed! I worked so hard on them:

* So, you're a redhead, huh? I always wanted to bang a coppertop.

* Oh, you have two sisters? Are they hotter than you, or less hot? By what percentage? Could you make me a bar graph?

* You know, I'm less ugly than I look.

* Why don't we go for a ride in my brand new Porsche convertible? It'll be hours before it's reported stolen.

* My mirrored ceilings would be a lot sexier with more than one person in them.

* I don't even know the meaning of the word "flunitrazepam".

* Hey, don't take my word for it that I'm good in bed. Ask six of my last seventeen girlfriends.

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