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A concatenation of two separate-but-equal events yesterday (our discussion of Judas Priest lyrics and a mini-marathon of '80s action movies) got me to thinking about this quiz that I found tucked inside a Bible at my nearest house of worship.

All moral citizens of our modern world rightly deplore homosexuality. But the trouble is, homosexuality could be lurking in your own house! It could be in your spouse, your children, your pets – even your own pants! Like mold or radon, homosexuality is often difficult to detect without consulting an expert. Here's a simple quiz that will help you know if there is homosexuality tucked away in the corners of your basement or attic.

1. When you find out that someone is a homosexual, do you get really mad at them, like it's their fault for being sneaky instead of your fault for being too dumb to figure it out?

_____ YES _____ NO

2. Do you spend as much or more time thinking about homosexuals because you hate them than a gay person does because they love them?

_____ YES _____ NO

3. Are you irresistibly drawn to group activities wherein a large number of people of the same sex -- all of whom are encouraged to act, talk, and dress the same -- take showers together (such as military service, law enforcement, or organized sports)?

_____ YES _____ NO

4. Do your favorite recreational activities involve people of the same sex taking off some of their clothes and touching each other a lot?

_____ YES _____ NO

5. Are you at your most comfortable when holding a bat, rifle, shovel, pole, or other long, tapered, cylindrical object in your hands?

_____ YES _____ NO

6. Do you feel that people of the opposite sex do not understand you? Do you spend more time talking and hanging around with people of your own sex? When you are with your spouse of significant other, do you often wish you could get away and spend time with large groups of people of your own sex, preferably in a setting that excludes the opposite sex?

_____ YES _____ NO

7. When you learn that someone is homosexual, does it become the sole motivating factor in your relationship with them, to the degree that you speculate in your head about the sorts of things that they do with other members of their sex and how disgusting it must be?

_____ YES _____ NO

8. Do you believe that gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage – almost as if, were a same-sex option legal and available, you might be sorely tempted to abandon your vows?

_____ YES _____ NO

9. Do you share with homosexuals an obsession with what famous people might possibly be homosexual?

_____ YES _____ NO

10. When you are with a large group of people of your own sex, do you inevitably bring up homosexuality, if only to make fun of it or condemn it, rather than just not mentioning it at all?

_____ YES _____ NO

SCORING: For each "Yes" answer, give yourself one point.

0: Congratulations! You are probably not gay. Be fruitful and multiply!

1-10: Oh, my golly! How did this happen? You are probably kinda homosexual. Report to a priest or reverend immediately for suitable treatment!


Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC)
a mini-marathon of '80s action movies

Oh, please tell me Road House was involved.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:28 pm (UTC)
That or any Chuck Norris movie.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
I was actually looking for GOOD '80s action movies, which pretty much leaves Chuck out except for maybe Lone Wolf McQuade.

By the way, Chuck's movies are kinda gay, but they're not even remotely as gay as Jean-Claude Van Damme's movies, which are themselves significantly less gay than Sylvester Stallone's movies, which for their part are butcher than hell as compared to the Lord God King of Gayness, Arnold Schwartzenegger. As the boys at Ruthless say, Arnold is not a gay man -- he is gayness incarnate.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
Having just last night watched The Running Man, I concur.

I was actually going to do a write-up on that movie, but I dunno.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
"I used to fuck guys like you in prison"
It most assuredly was.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 08:11 pm (UTC)
Re: "I used to fuck guys like you in prison"

Road House may not be the gayest movie in the genre, but manages the seemingly-impossible task of being totally gay while featuring women stripping and heterosexual sex.

Jan. 23rd, 2008 08:17 pm (UTC)
Re: "I used to fuck guys like you in prison"
I see no reason why we cannot put our heads together and generate an even gayer, far more macho adventure flick.

Daring car chase through crowded city streets with assault helicopters firing wildly, shattering the pavement with high-caliber rounds + guys putting on lots of sunscreen with the sun shining low off the water.
Jan. 24th, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
Re: "I used to fuck guys like you in prison"
I see no reason why we cannot put our heads together and generate an even gayer, far more macho adventure flick.

Jan. 24th, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)
Re: "I used to fuck guys like you in prison"
Top Gun?
Jan. 24th, 2008 05:31 am (UTC)
homosexuality could be lurking in your own house! Is that what's hiding in the back of my fridge behind the mayonnaise jar and the leftover cabbage? I've been afraid to look too closely.


flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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