Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Do not worry, America! You are probably not gay!

A concatenation of two separate-but-equal events yesterday (our discussion of Judas Priest lyrics and a mini-marathon of '80s action movies) got me to thinking about this quiz that I found tucked inside a Bible at my nearest house of worship.

All moral citizens of our modern world rightly deplore homosexuality. But the trouble is, homosexuality could be lurking in your own house! It could be in your spouse, your children, your pets – even your own pants! Like mold or radon, homosexuality is often difficult to detect without consulting an expert. Here's a simple quiz that will help you know if there is homosexuality tucked away in the corners of your basement or attic.

1. When you find out that someone is a homosexual, do you get really mad at them, like it's their fault for being sneaky instead of your fault for being too dumb to figure it out?

_____ YES _____ NO

2. Do you spend as much or more time thinking about homosexuals because you hate them than a gay person does because they love them?

_____ YES _____ NO


3. Are you irresistibly drawn to group activities wherein a large number of people of the same sex -- all of whom are encouraged to act, talk, and dress the same -- take showers together (such as military service, law enforcement, or organized sports)?

_____ YES _____ NO


4. Do your favorite recreational activities involve people of the same sex taking off some of their clothes and touching each other a lot?

_____ YES _____ NO


5. Are you at your most comfortable when holding a bat, rifle, shovel, pole, or other long, tapered, cylindrical object in your hands?

_____ YES _____ NO


6. Do you feel that people of the opposite sex do not understand you? Do you spend more time talking and hanging around with people of your own sex? When you are with your spouse of significant other, do you often wish you could get away and spend time with large groups of people of your own sex, preferably in a setting that excludes the opposite sex?

_____ YES _____ NO


7. When you learn that someone is homosexual, does it become the sole motivating factor in your relationship with them, to the degree that you speculate in your head about the sorts of things that they do with other members of their sex and how disgusting it must be?

_____ YES _____ NO


8. Do you believe that gay marriage threatens heterosexual marriage – almost as if, were a same-sex option legal and available, you might be sorely tempted to abandon your vows?

_____ YES _____ NO


9. Do you share with homosexuals an obsession with what famous people might possibly be homosexual?

_____ YES _____ NO


10. When you are with a large group of people of your own sex, do you inevitably bring up homosexuality, if only to make fun of it or condemn it, rather than just not mentioning it at all?

_____ YES _____ NO


SCORING: For each "Yes" answer, give yourself one point.

0: Congratulations! You are probably not gay. Be fruitful and multiply!

1-10: Oh, my golly! How did this happen? You are probably kinda homosexual. Report to a priest or reverend immediately for suitable treatment!
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