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All Apologies

Recently, the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd issued a formal apology on behalf of his government for the past systematic mistreatment of the native population.

Getting into the spirit of things, except with his head completely up his ass, right-wing pundit Glenn "Professor Poopypants" Reynolds has suggested that Barack Obama should apologize* for an anti-Semitic flier circulated by a black** minister in Tennessee with no known connection to Obama whatsoever.

To continue this glorious tradition, as an Arab-American, I would like to apologize for the following:

- The sudden proliferation of felafel.

- Casey Kasem.

- That funny smell in the back of cabs.

- Islam.

- The way that Arabs keep confusing Christians by pointing out that not all Arabs are Muslims.

- Whining about Guantanamo Bay.

- Oh, fine, 9/11. Happy now, you crybabies?

I urge you all to join myself and Sadly, No! in apologizing for things that have been done by people who have some vague religious, ethnic, national, racial or cultural connection with you. For example, I am eager for one of you to take the lead on the Rob Liefeld issue.

*: The Jewish target of the flier, incidentally, has endorsed Obama for president.

**: "What one Christian does is his own responsibility, what one Jew does is thrown back at all Jews." (Anne Frank)


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Feb. 14th, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)
As a half-German, I'd like to apologize for blood sausage, Hitler, and my people's general tendency to try to take over Europe ever 40 years or so. I'm pretty sure we're over that last one now, anyway.

Oh, yeah, and I'm sorry that all those expensive plastic parts on the Volkswagen Jetta, the ones that frequently break.

Feb. 14th, 2008 03:14 pm (UTC)
as a semi-Dane, I would like to express my deepest regrets and apologies for the centuries of pillage, rape, and slaughter throughout the coastal communities of Northern Europe and the British Isles.

Also for the Steven King adaptation of "Kingdom Hospital"
Feb. 15th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
europe totally wanted it, though.
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
For the Scots side of my heritage, I'd like to apologize for Irn-Bru, deep-fried candy bars, American descendants of Scots who perform at the Highland games and feel they HAVE to use some sort of weird fucking pirate brogue when they talk, all the women Sean Connery backhanded and the sound bagpipes make when they're tuning up but not when they're being played, because I asctually like that quite a bit.

For the German side of my heritage, I feel we have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:32 pm (UTC)
As another Scots-German, I'd like to apologize in general that we exist. Whoever thought, "Let's take the two most drunken, fighty, high-strung cultures in Europe and breed them," clearly did not have his shit together.

BLANK - crepedelbebe - Feb. 16th, 2008 06:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - roninspoon - Feb. 14th, 2008 06:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
For the Hungarian part of my heritage - I apologize for Atilla kicking the shit out of Europe back in the day.
For the Italian part - I am sorry that _you_ are not, in fact, Italian.
For the Scottish - That ye canna unnrstand mae.
For the Irish - That God gave us the ability to drink whisky and maintain civility. Unlike you lot. And Riverdance. man, am I ever sorry about that.
For the Welsh - (indecipherable).
For the remainder of my mutt-background - I got nothing to apologize for.
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
As a SF writer nerd, I would like to apologize for L. Ron Hubbard and George Lucas.

Seriously, folks. I have no idea what we were thinking.
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:54 pm (UTC)
I never get to use this icon!
As a goddamn Pollack, I apologize for every stupid thing that ever fucking happened.
Feb. 14th, 2008 08:47 pm (UTC)
polish by nature
You and me, baby, we got nothing to apologize for. Just sit back and enjoy the amends.
Feb. 14th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
As a Reform Jew, I apologize for everything Philip Roth ever wrote besides "Portnoy's Complaint" and that book about Nixon, and for most hippies.

As a half-Pole, I apologize for making kielbasa and packzi so irresistible and yet so filled with fat. I also apologize for being so amusingly, frustratingly inept at lightbulb replacement.

As someone who may have been a Gypsy at one point, I apologize for stealing everyone's babies.
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:33 pm (UTC)
Oh, yeah, the hippies! As a graduate of the University of California at Berkeley, I'm sorry for those guys. Also, nuclear weapons research.

Oh, and as a Jew, I'd like to apologize for making my matzoh with the blood of Christian children. But, to be fair, I'd like Christians to apologize for making their children's blood so tasty.
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
As a Canadian, I'd like to apologize to all the Indians. And the aboriginals, too. Whew.

As a half-Turk, I'd like to say Bring it on, you fucking Greek bastards!
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC)
As a veteran of the Persian Gulf, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for all those dead babies in Vietnam. Also, I'm really sorry the Spanish American War, olive drab cargo pants as a fashion statement for privileged white kids who will never serve in the military, the misogyny of nose cone art, crossing the Potomac in freezing weather, Andersonville, and a special apology to Hawaii for SPAM.

As I'm Scott-Irish, I'd also like to apologize to the Irish for all that real estate theft and rape, and to the citizens of Virginia and North Carolina for construction fraud.
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
As a Jew, I would like to apologize for:
1. the Israeli government's decision to expel foreign-born restaurant workers.
2. Barry Manilow, apparently.
3. Golan-Globus.
4. controlling the world's money supply.
5. a cuisine which apparently all non-Jews consider inedible, ya pantywaists.

As a computer nerd, I would like to apologize for:
1. putting is and es in front of otherwise serviceable words.
2. allowing the general public to become aware of sexual proclivities that they would just as soon not know about.
3. the fonts Impact and Comic Sans, generally.
4. letting buggy-ass software become not only acceptable, but the norm.
5. various memes, the concept of a meme, and the word "meme."
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 14th, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)
You're an Armstrong? For some reason, I always thought you were a Montgomery.

Now THAT's some obscurity right there.
(Deleted comment)
Re: Exxxxcellent - roseyv - Feb. 14th, 2008 09:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
As an Irish girl...I apologize that red hair is so hot. Um...Sorry for eating all the potatoes?

For the Japanese part. I'm sorry that it gets pronounced "Merrow Yerrow".
Feb. 14th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)
As a white guy who grew up in Alabama, I would like to apologize for the following, in no particular order:
1. "Heritage Not Hate" bumper stickers. Bad idea all around, that.
3. Toby Keith
4. Accidental hunting deaths
5. Drunk shirtless guys
6. Right-wing evangelical Christianity
7. The lingering influence of insidious racism
8. Racism itself and the legacy of slavery
9. Artery-clogging country-cooking
10. That bag of skunk weed you bought one time that turned out to be 3/4 oregano. Sorry, that was just a joke we pulled on you, but it spiralled out of control.

As a person of Welsh-Scot heritage, I hereby apologize for:
1. haggis
2. Wales
3. The Prince of Wales
4. whales who eat haggis
5. itchy man-skirts with nothing underneath

As a person who plays guitar, I hereby apologize for:
1. Eric Clapton
2. Yngwie Malmsteen
3. All those kids playing the intro to "Stairway To Heaven" in the guitar store
4. Guys who insist on making guitar solo orgasm faces
5. The B7 chord, because it is secretly anti-Semitic.
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:10 pm (UTC)
As a part-French-Canadian, I sincerely apologize for Celine Dion, terrible cold fronts and about 50% of the content on most TV Carnage DVDs.

As a Jew, I sincerely apologize for the whole West Bank situation and Brad Ausmus' terrible hitting.

As a part-French-Canadian Jew, I sincerely apologize for Leonard Cohen, in the event that listening to him at some point has made you sad.

As a part-Irishman, I sincerely apologize about Mark McGwire's steroid usage and the fact that I am mad at America for not making Thin Lizzy into super-huge megastars.

As a Minnesotan, I sincerely apologize for the Duluth Lynchings, Garrison Keillor, lutefisk, late-period Soul Asylum, Jesse Ventura and that terrible, schmaltzy Scandimerican accent.
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
I'm feeling extra-apologetic.
As a Bostonian, I'd like to apologize for the band Boston.

As a person who can't draw, I'd like to apologize for Rob Liefeld.

Also, why are you apologizing for Casey Kasem, Leonard? The man does what he does very well (i.e. enunciating clearly).
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