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The New Truth

The number of times a person uses homosexual slurs while taunting an opponent on the internet is directly proportional to the number of times per day they idly wonder what it would feel like to have a dick in their mouth.

The amount of time (in minutes) it takes someone to mention how much money they make on a first date is indicative of the amount of time (in months) it will take you to get bored with them if you get married.

The degree of experience one has with handling a firearm can be determined by an inverse proportion of the volume to which their voice rises when they discuss firearms, either pro- or anti-, in a conversation.

A dramatic announcement of lifestyle change made on the internet is negatively predictive of how deeply one will dedicate one's self to enacting said change.

The amount of time one spends updating data on various social networking sites is useful in calculating the amount of time one spends actually engaging in the activities to which the sites are dedicated. For example, there is a 3:1 ratio of updating one's library on GoodReads to actually reading, a 5:1 ratio of reviewing information on FaceBook to actually interacting with people socially, and a 10:1 ratio of tinkering with one's dating profile on Match.com to actually dating.

There is a means to predict how much time people will spend on ideas that they come up with when they have been drinking. They are 10% likely to actually accomplish any project that involves career change; 20% likely to actually accomplish any project that involves creative work; 30% likely to actually accomplish any project that involves kicking somebody in the fucking ass; and 40% likely to actually accomplish any project that involves having unsatisfying sex that will lead to dire consequences. They are 100% likely to actually accomplish any project that involves having another drink.

The hierarchy of decades for pop-cultural references of the 20th century is as follows: the 1970s, the 1980s, the 1960s, the 1950s, the 1990s, the 1930s, the 1940s, the 1920s, and the 1910s. No one has ever made a pop culture reference to 1905, outside of a small number of Taft-Katsura Agreement fetishists confined to a mental institution in upstate New York.

If someone does not like rap or country music, they will feel compelled to tell you this in any discussion of music. Curiously, they will not feel compelled to tell you in any discussion of food that they do not like Thai or Indian food. As an addendum, they will feel compelled, in any such conversation, to mention how much they dislike the fashion choices and/or intelligence of the performers, but will not, for example, feel equally compelled to comment on the kind of car driven by a film director they don't like, or how charitable he might be in his private affairs.

The set of all men who look at the dicks of other men in gym locker rooms contains the subset of all men who say they do not look at the dicks of other men in gym locker rooms.

It is theoretically possible to go an entire 24 hours without encountering someone who, if you make an announcement about some misfortune that has recently befallen you, will be instantly reminded of something similar that happened to them, only worse. For instance, one might travel to the moon, or be in a deep-sea bathysphere.

All lists must have ten entries.

Comments

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auggiewren
Mar. 1st, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
If someone does not like rap or country music, they will feel compelled to tell you this in any discussion of music.

I've noticed this in the personals. And the proclamation is usually made in no uncertain terms.
adam_0oo
Mar. 3rd, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
Also that they like "all kinds" of music. They listen to everything.
perich
Mar. 1st, 2008 09:26 pm (UTC)
*runs down the list*
... yup. Yeah, those are all true.
thaitea
Mar. 2nd, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
The number of times someone mentions their significant other in casual conversation is directly proportionate to the number of quinces their paternal aunt eats in a year... oh shit i messed that up. This is harder than it looks.
secondperiod
Mar. 2nd, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
God damn it, Leonard, will you please write a fucking book? I guarantee you sales on at least 2. I will buy 2 copies.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 2nd, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
There is one exception to your movie-directors rule: Spike Lee. Aesthetic criticism is always paired with personal criticism where he's concerned.
atlasimpure
Mar. 3rd, 2008 03:08 am (UTC)
Stealing number 1.
geah
Mar. 3rd, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
That's because you're a fag!
atlasimpure
Mar. 3rd, 2008 04:07 pm (UTC)
Cocksucker!! <3
( 9 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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PROPRIETOR

Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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