Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Le Bits du Tit

Spring is almost here, and that can mean only one thing: once again, my local newspaper will inexplicably fail to publish "Tit Bits", my well-loved series of folksy observations on life in these United States. But Big Media's loss is your gain, as I present you the first week of the 2008 series:

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I don't understand the phrase "funny as a crutch". Are people saying a crutch isn't funny?

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In terms of household appliances, a toilet is your best friend. A best friend who you can shit in their mouth and they just swallow it down and ask for more.

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When will Republicans and Democrats realize that partisanship is tearing our country apart? No, wait, not partisanship. Mexicans.

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The problem with those 'a thousand things to do before you die' books is that you know that at your funeral, everybody's just going to go through all the stuff you didn't check off and call you a loser.

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Whoever said "there's no time like the present"? What a fucking asshole.

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It seems like everywhere I go, all people want to talk about is euthanizing puppies. I should really stop planning my vacations around city pounds.

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Everyone knows that the banana is the world's most perfect food. What's not so well known is that the banana is also the world's most perfect fruit that looks like a dick.

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What is with people who spell their names with a K? What are you trying to prove, anyway?

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The whole reason I joined the Marines in the first place was that I wanted to show that I loved my country enough to kill for it. But then I found out that only applies to the so-called 'enemy'. And then I found out that I hadn't actually joined the Marines so much as the 4-H Club.

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I bet if I had been a Nazi, I would have been one of the good ones. Like, I would help Allied soldiers escape from prison camps, and fight zombies, and shit like that. Plus when I sent Jews to the death chambers I would be really polite about it.
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