Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator


Man, I don't want to be that guy, you know, the guy who comes back from Europe and bitches about America, but like every fucking thing that has happened since I got on the plane at DeGaulle has sucked spewbags. The flight was delayed, the connecting flight was delayed (no announcement), my car got vandalized, and my neighbor Eddie is having another one of his interminable, shitty, deafeningly loud band practices.

And then here is what happened with the TSA, you remember, the motherfuckers who stoled my digital camera? Okay so I went to the duty-free shop. And there is a huge sign there saying whatever you buy at the duty-free can be taken on board the plane in your carry-on. So I bought a bunch of duty-free stuff for my peoples back home. But OH HA HO HEE! See, it turns out, speaking of no announcement, that if you connect flights after customs, you have to go through security again, and the 'no liquids in a carry-on' rule goes back into effect. What's that you say? Nobody told you that? Tough fucking titty, is what the TSA has to say to you. So here are your choices, as you stand there having an anger stroke ten minutes before your connecting flight (which has been moved to another gate with no announcement) departs:

1. Go all the way back to the baggage check-in and put your duty-free stuff in your suitcases. This will cause you to miss your connecting flight, incur a penalty, and pay a fee to check an extra bag because your suitcases are already full.

2. 'Surrender' your 'restricted' items. This means that the 70-Euro bottle of Napoleon brandy and the two 40-Euro tins of pate de foie gras* that you bought at the duty-free will go right in the trash**, and you will get to board your flight almost on time as you think about how you might as well just have set $200 on fire.

But really, I totally understand why they do it. Because otherwise, some terrorist might board a plane with a sealed bag full of harmless items from a a duty-free shop and, I don't know, distract the passengers with the delicious smell of duck fat and then beat them all to death with a bottle of imported brandy. Just like happened never. Seriously, fuck you sideways with a knuckle-duster, Transportation Safety Administration, you are bullshit.

Anyway, I had a fantastic time in Paris. I'll post about it a million times in the next few days and none of it will be whiny like this.

*: You might not think that they would consider the tins of foie gras restricted, since they are not liquids or gels and nowhere in the TSA restricted items list does it mention canned food as being a forbidden item. But some non-union douche with a name badge says so, and there goes 80 Euros.

**: If they threw that shit away, I'll eat Michael Chertoff's uncircumcised dick. There's some TSA drone throwing a party with my Napoleon brandy and foie gras right now, and she's probably taking pictures of it with my digital camera.

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