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Man, I don't want to be that guy, you know, the guy who comes back from Europe and bitches about America, but like every fucking thing that has happened since I got on the plane at DeGaulle has sucked spewbags. The flight was delayed, the connecting flight was delayed (no announcement), my car got vandalized, and my neighbor Eddie is having another one of his interminable, shitty, deafeningly loud band practices.

And then here is what happened with the TSA, you remember, the motherfuckers who stoled my digital camera? Okay so I went to the duty-free shop. And there is a huge sign there saying whatever you buy at the duty-free can be taken on board the plane in your carry-on. So I bought a bunch of duty-free stuff for my peoples back home. But OH HA HO HEE! See, it turns out, speaking of no announcement, that if you connect flights after customs, you have to go through security again, and the 'no liquids in a carry-on' rule goes back into effect. What's that you say? Nobody told you that? Tough fucking titty, is what the TSA has to say to you. So here are your choices, as you stand there having an anger stroke ten minutes before your connecting flight (which has been moved to another gate with no announcement) departs:

1. Go all the way back to the baggage check-in and put your duty-free stuff in your suitcases. This will cause you to miss your connecting flight, incur a penalty, and pay a fee to check an extra bag because your suitcases are already full.

2. 'Surrender' your 'restricted' items. This means that the 70-Euro bottle of Napoleon brandy and the two 40-Euro tins of pate de foie gras* that you bought at the duty-free will go right in the trash**, and you will get to board your flight almost on time as you think about how you might as well just have set $200 on fire.

But really, I totally understand why they do it. Because otherwise, some terrorist might board a plane with a sealed bag full of harmless items from a a duty-free shop and, I don't know, distract the passengers with the delicious smell of duck fat and then beat them all to death with a bottle of imported brandy. Just like happened never. Seriously, fuck you sideways with a knuckle-duster, Transportation Safety Administration, you are bullshit.

Anyway, I had a fantastic time in Paris. I'll post about it a million times in the next few days and none of it will be whiny like this.

*: You might not think that they would consider the tins of foie gras restricted, since they are not liquids or gels and nowhere in the TSA restricted items list does it mention canned food as being a forbidden item. But some non-union douche with a name badge says so, and there goes 80 Euros.

**: If they threw that shit away, I'll eat Michael Chertoff's uncircumcised dick. There's some TSA drone throwing a party with my Napoleon brandy and foie gras right now, and she's probably taking pictures of it with my digital camera.


Mar. 26th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
what happened to your car?
Mar. 26th, 2008 12:15 pm (UTC)
Some diddly dick douche dunker took a whack at my rear window.
Mar. 26th, 2008 11:48 am (UTC)
That is some fucked up bullshit. I know this is completely useless advice now, but I've learned from experience to always assume you're absolutely not allowed to do anything when it comes to airports and airplanes. Even when signs are posted, no one in charge ever knows/agrees about what's allowed and they will always err on the side of fucking you over and not giving a fuck because they are idiotic and despicable.
Mar. 26th, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I shoulda known better than to think I would not get rooked on the deal.

The really fucked up thing is why you have to go through security again during your apres-customs transfer, because at no point are you outside of TSA-controlled areas. Which makes it, like, double-pointless.
Mar. 26th, 2008 12:56 pm (UTC)
So I guess they don't even let you ship it to yourself? That's what I assumed.
Mar. 26th, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that ain't an option.
Mar. 26th, 2008 01:31 pm (UTC)
do you plan on adding "Michael Chertoff's uncircumsized dick" to your tags?
Mar. 26th, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
It's really more a passion than an interest.
Mar. 26th, 2008 03:11 pm (UTC)
Don't forget to take trinkets for the border guards, and never lose sight of your passport, not even when dealing with the police!

Seriously, when did air travel become the same as taking the train to Kyrgyzstan, what the hell.
Mar. 26th, 2008 06:10 pm (UTC)
Someday I gotta stop buying things for the TSA.
Mar. 26th, 2008 07:51 pm (UTC)
There ya go! If we just gave them a National Holiday like they deserve, they wouldn't have to steal their gifts!
Mar. 26th, 2008 04:39 pm (UTC)
>You might not think that they would consider the tins of foie gras restricted, since they are not liquids or gels and nowhere in the TSA restricted items list does it mention canned food as being a forbidden item.

See, I would totally think that they would be restricted items. Other things that I would assume would be “restricted:” expensive perfume, jewelry, cameras, watches, furs. Honestly, if I worked for the TSA, I would never have to go Christmas shopping again.
Mar. 26th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
Man, right? I mean, I know that since they got screwed out of a union they have to make their nut somehow. I just wish it wasn't at my expense.


flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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