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Six By Five, Sarge

FIVE INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHER LEARNING YOU CAN SAY YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ATTENDED IF THEY ARE BEING BITCHY
1. Bitch School
2. Bitch University
3. Bitch Community College
4. Bitch Polytechnic
5. St. Francis Montessori Bitch Academy

FIVE SONGS I CAN'T LISTEN TO ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY BUM ME OUT FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER
1. "Ambulance", TV on the Radio
2. "Drilling", Minus the Bear
3. "If I Was Your Girlfriend", Prince
4. "Stupid", the Ass Ponys
5. "D. Boon", Uncle Tupelo

FIVE LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT IMPORTANT HISTORICAL FIGURES
1. King Edward VII became monarch of the United Kingdom by defeating three dwarves in a Yağlı Güreş match
2. All Bill Gates ever does is sit around calculating the operation of compound interest all day
3. Grover Cleveland was the first American president to travel backward in time, but not in space
4. Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper was a stone cold nasty super freak
5. Rosa Luxemburg and Big Van Vader were actually the same person

FIVE THINGS OF WHICH I WOULD BE HELPLESSLY IGNORANT IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS LIST
1. How sad or not sad it is that some celebrity or other has died
2. What people I have never met ate for lunch
3. Things which, when making a list of things I like, I forgot to include
4. Any number of funny videos where white people engage in rapping
5. How you can't expect a bunch of god damn Russian communists to understand American freedom of speech and how it dictates that we all be allowed to post stories on the internet for free about Harry Potter getting rogered up his doody chute by Sirius Black

FIVE AWARENESS WEEKS OF WHICH YOU MAY NOT BE AWARE
1. Diddlysquat Awareness Week
2. Ignorance Awareness Week
3. That Thing Where You Go On a Plane And Your Ears Pop Awareness Week
4. Human Vagina Awareness Week
5. Bowel Movements That Make You Want To Call People In To Look At Them Awareness Week

FIVE THINGS I RECENTLY BECAME AWARE OF THAT MADE ME SAY "WHA, WHAT THE FUCK, THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT"
1. How if you order the MLB Extra Innings package you can't get all home games
2. John Yoo's prominence and influence in the Justice Department
3. How you can buy 100 pieces of chicken at Church's for sixty bucks
4. The frustrating vagaries of the male libido
5. Everything about the TSA and the DHS, basically, but also this

Comments

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feisty_robot
Apr. 3rd, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks for the awareness of Yağlı Güreş. Any sport which requires "hand-stitched lederhosen" made of water buffalo hide is a-okay in my book!

Also: I had a really good burrito for lunch.
caprinus
Apr. 3rd, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
I SOLed 3 times.

Is that a good or bad at-bat for you?

I want to see if I can eat 100 pieces of chicken all by myself.
ortho_bob
Apr. 3rd, 2008 06:28 am (UTC)
Do the 100 pieces of chicken come with a guarantee that no two are the same?

secondperiod
Apr. 3rd, 2008 01:40 pm (UTC)
"doody chute"
oilyrags
Apr. 3rd, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
6.5 - page not found.
thaitea
Apr. 4th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
1) "Bowel movements that..." SHRIEK

2) Not getting all the home games in the Extra Innings package IS BeeEss. What is the "extra", exactly? Extra commercials, maybe?
( 6 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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