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Shopping from A to Z

As some of you already know, I've been doing my part to make San Antonio a better place to live by purchasing a large plot of land downtown, with the intention of turning it into an upscale shopping mall. I figure the only way I'll get the kind of businesses I like is by bringing them here myself.

I've hired a wonderful East German jungle entrepreneur to run the day-to-day business, and this wonderful Laotian couple I met behind a fish market are coming in to do the architectural design, landscaping and toilet-cleaning. The graphic design and advertising is being handled by Pygfuc, who of course did the hugely successful Salon du Mépris in Lyon and the flagship Taco Fiasco superstore in Kirkuk, and my snappy Homburg is by the Susquehanna Hat Company.

Of course, any mall is only as good as its retailers. I've managed to attract a dozen so far, and I think it's starting to look pretty good, but if you have any suggestions as to what other clients I should court, please do speak up. Here's who I've got so far:

- Candy Colored Cowboy (gay rodeo supply store)
- Gang*Storr (Swedish street gang outfitters)
- Heinrich von Markup's (department store)
- My Kid Could Paint That (children's hardware store)
- Salopard's (Belgian cuisine)
- Cutters (goth hair salon)
- Filthy Stinking Rich (upscale beauty salon & spa)
- Domestic Tire & Battery (auto parts for American cars)
- Just Stirrup Pants (plus-size fashions)
- Catchphrazie's (comedy club)
- Moonchild (New Age bookstore; formerly Cancer)
- Fanny Flags (pocket handkerchiefs in various colors)
- The Livery (high-end liquor store)


Apr. 8th, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
Have you considered the chain of dental centers "Orifice Depot"?
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
No, but we have gotten some interest from Hole-istics, the colon cleansing chain store.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
What about Snoop's foray into home-improvement supply, Doggy's Tiles?
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
I notice you don't have a "Nougat, Nougat, Nougat!" or an "I Can't Believe It's a Llama" outlet.

Those should both be added if you really want to bring in the elderly and/or llama-fancier set.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
The old folks are going to be very pleased by the recent addition of a Ribbon Candy Warehouse store.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:40 pm (UTC)
Ben and I always wanted to open a place in a mall foodcourt called God Damn That's Hot Chocolate!

And my old roommate Mitch and I used to retardedly daydream about being the proprietors of an establishment called Mo' Bagels!
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
I wonder if you'd consider managing a sporting goods store called "Manning: The Guns".
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
Did I ever tell you about how when I was a thirteen-year-old bass-playing headbanger I wanted to grow up to be the frontman in a metal band called Krull and Unusual Punishment?

I still kind of want that.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
Thank god, I've been looking for somewhere to buy a pair of Tjimerlands.

I remember your idea for Gang*Store. I'm still not sure why someone hasn't seized on the idea; they'd be more common than Hot Topic.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
We have a fabulous new summer line designed by Tomi Hilfjinger.
Apr. 8th, 2008 04:54 pm (UTC)
I'd like to expand my "Booth and Consequences" tanning franchise to your mall location.
Apr. 8th, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
Your custom is welcome, but you may have to fight it out with the "Melvin A. Noma's Old-Tyme Orangeskinnerie" that took over the old oil change place.
Apr. 8th, 2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
So long as there's room for my candy shop ("Raisin Mother's Fudge and Rock House") I'm happy.
Apr. 8th, 2008 06:48 pm (UTC)
Mother's Little Helper, another liquor store
Tramp Stamps R Us
Apr. 8th, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
I like Gang*Storr for their affordable, well designed weapons. I picked up a Baat, a Svitch, a Gaat, and some sensible, all-recycled Knux this weekend. Also, the Liquersoor is a great place to pick up a few 40 ozs. I plan to go back soon!
Apr. 8th, 2008 07:43 pm (UTC)
Hmm... I have a sudden urge to mix up some lingonberry soda and Aquavit.
Apr. 8th, 2008 08:06 pm (UTC)
Don't forget to pour out a little or your hömies.
Apr. 8th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
a few weeks ago, i read a story about this ex-goldman sachs fella who is trying to create a chain of just grilled cheese sandwiches.

Myself, I hope you have that store that sells socks to replace ones you lose in the laundry, "Sock it to Me!".
Apr. 8th, 2008 09:03 pm (UTC)
My business partners and I would like to open a branch of our popular boutique "Buck Wild: A Shotgunnery", which sells guns, ammo and exotic artisinal jerkies. Let me know if you're interested.

Also, for the upscale "racially aware" demo, might I sugest "Bride and Prejudice" for all your Jane Austen themed white power wedding events.
Apr. 8th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)
Your mall needs an outlet from this chain:

- Le macchabée glacé (French frozen foods, based on the finest soybean and algae cultures)
Apr. 8th, 2008 10:46 pm (UTC)
- What the Flock (Genetically engineered Sheep, Geese, and Ducks)
- Oh, Deer (Sex shop for Furries - Formerly MasXXXots)
- This is It (Rationalist bookstore)
Apr. 8th, 2008 11:35 pm (UTC)
I once tried to convince a local merchant in my old neighborhood to let me franchise his successful operation, but he wouldn't listen to me. Had he heeded my advice, your mall would have made the ideal location for the latest branch of Villareal's Egg and Carpet Emporium.

Another near miss in my quest for wealth was my idea for a make-your-own stuffed animal type of operation to be called "Beastly Thing" which would have been targeted to people coming out of abusive relationships. The idea was that customers could build a stuffed version of their abusive ex-partner and then destroy it in any number of violent ways. Unfortunately, the psychologist who was to have been my partner and whose expertise I'd counted on to lend the operation its therapeutic authenticity was exposed as a fraud— not only was he unlicensed, but he had even faked the degree he'd claimed he held from an on-line university! I still believed in the idea, but investors felt it had been tainted. But had things worked out, I'm sure a branch of Beastly Thing would have been an excellent addition to your mall.

I do now have one idea that I think would be a winner, contingent on the outcome of the Presidential election. The store would sell survivalist goods, and the target market would be aging white hippies who have lost their taste for multiculturalism as they've aged and have grown increasingly paranoid about people of color, but who are still afraid to go to the typical survivalist stores run by hippie-hating rednecks. I'd call the store "Barack? Oh, Bummer!" Keep your fingers crossed, and a location available. I hope to open by inauguration day next year!



flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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