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JUMP BACK | BE FORWARD

After the surprise booting of the Fuckhead from Buckhead last week, the stakes are a tad higher this week than they usually are at this point in the season. Good! I’m sick of this nicey-nice namby-pamb of Idol ’08. I want Simon Zealotes, the evil sorcerer of TV Land, back. I want the starving children of Africa to get their own show. I’m in a mood for some blood tonight, is what I’m getting at. Will the contestants oblige me? Let’s find out…

Mariah “Rhymes with Pariah” Carey is the guest coach tonight, which brings forth the promise of lots of wobbly vibrato and the possibility that she will join Paula Abdul for a drunken crazy meltdown. She says she feels weird about judging people, probably because of Glitter. I’m going to have to hear a lot of bad, bad songs tonight. I wish there was the slightest chance that Mariah Carey could be the one booted off tomorrow night, but I guess a stabbing by a crazed fan isn’t entirely out of the question. And Paula is less drunk than usual, so she's neither bitchy nor incoherent. Clearly I'm not getting any enjoyment out of this episode.

Now, onto the contestants*:

DAVID “SISSY THROAT” ARCHULETA: Mariah’s advice to him is to sing falsetto – in other words, to sound even girlier than he usually does. Thankfully, he does not do this, which results in what is actually a pretty fine performance of this crap-ass song. He even refrains from the up-and-down-the-scale Whitney schtick except at the end, and when he does it, he drops it down into a low register, which works nicely. There’s really no denying how well he sings this song; I just wish I liked him more.

CARLY “FASHION BUG” SMITHSON: Ha ha! I kid because I love, Carly. You aren’t even dressed as poorly as you usually are! And I say that as someone who would enjoy having sexual relations with you! Anyway, I hate this song, although slightly less than I hate most of the songs I am likely to hear tonight. Carly pegs the notes early on, then seems to get lost a bit, but when she finds her way back, she kills it. Unfortunately, the judges (except, oddly, Paula) hammered on the flat bits.

SYESHA “WHITTY HUTTON” MERCADO As the most Mariah Careyish of the remaining contestants, Syesha pretty much has an episode tailor-made for her. Which is actually kinda unfair, but what are you gonna do. Mariah actually breaks Idol coach kayfabe by pointing out that Syesha can’t hit one of the notes, which is fun, but Syesha just sidesteps that in her performance by pushing through with Whitney Houston Shout Power. She does fine, but gaah, I hate that style.

BROOKE “HIPPY SHAKE” WHITE: Brooke’s appeal wore off for me a couple of weeks ago. Also, nice perm, there, Lisa Whelchel. Mariah’s advice: sing with the emotions of the moment, instead of throwing in a bunch of calculated affect at key moments like you usually do. Ha ha, no, she didn’t say that last part. She cracks a bit at the end, which I’m sad to say is the only genuinely interesting moment of her dull performance. She stands revealed at this point as the one-trickiest of Idol ponies.

KRISTY LEE “COUNTRY HONKY” COOK: I feel massive guilt over the persistence of this talentless hack, because I predicted big things for her early on. She gave Mariah Carey goose bumps! How bogusly adorable. What the fuck was she doing at the beginning of this song? She seemed totally at sea – she honestly can’t handle that style, and it sounded so off and bad. Once she got back into the Nash Vegas holler-it style, she sounded better, although ‘better is a relative term here. Bleah.

DAVID “PUDDIN’-HEAD WILSON PICKETT” COOK: Man, what is with the judges loving this performance so much? I honestly don’t understand it. This was a competent performance as far as it went, and his voice was in good form, but they were talking about him like he was baby goddamn Jesus. It was just as dull as always, and the judges went gaga. Could this be the second coming of Taylor Hicks? Christ I hope not. This was a promising crop this year, but it’s flattening like crazy.

JASON “PATCHOULI” CASTRO: I think I finally understand why I like Jason Castro even though he can’t really sing that well: he’s predictable, but not boring. Which is probably a distinction without a difference, but given the presence this late in the game of the Cooks, I’ll take whatever I can get. Jason actually stretches a little tiny bit, which is good to hear, and the judges go for it (well, except for Randy, who seems to have a mini-stroke whenever he encounters an unfamiliar arrangement). Jason’s gonna be in this thing to the end, I think.

PREDICTION: The bottom three next week will be Carly, Brooke, and David Cook, and as much as I hate to say it, I think my girl Carly gets the boot. It's unconscionable that she will be gone before Kristy Lee Cook, and yet here we are. My predictions this year have been more accurate than their usual "completely inaccurate", so I'm predicting Carly hits the sauce hard, dumps her loser tattoo-faced boyfriend, and hits the bathhouse circuit.

*: Note: I didn't keep track of the song titles this week because they're all Mariah Carey songs, and I hate them.

Comments

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calamityjake
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
I'm only halfway through watching it (DVR) but I have to say, I'm getting sick of Paula thinking everybody, every week, is incredible. C'mon, Paula, get real! I know that's her role, but still.

Maybe I'll say more if it turns out someone is devoured by a wolverine in the second half of the show.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
I can sense you're as disappointed as I am that there was no wolverine attack.
calamityjake
Apr. 16th, 2008 01:01 pm (UTC)
Well, there's no question about it--it would have brought a touch of class to the proceeding.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 16th, 2008 03:13 am (UTC)
mariah
it's nice that you hate her songs but she's not crazy she actually has a sense of humor so you seem to be slightly misinformed and living by a 2001 stereotype that died a long time ago. she's in adam sandler's new movie this year. but yeah, she can sing.
brandawg
Apr. 16th, 2008 03:18 am (UTC)
Re: mariah
She is crazy.
janehex
Apr. 16th, 2008 05:16 am (UTC)
Re: mariah
She is a mental case. Fact.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
Re: mariah
Sadly, appearing in an Adam Sandler movie does not preclude you from being crazy.
feisty_robot
Apr. 16th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
Re: mariah
Sorry, Leonard. You are still living by a 2001 stereotype. Not only did irony die on NINE 'LEVEN, but also "crazy fat Mariah Carey" died. Not literally, unfortunately.
subversivegrrl
Apr. 16th, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
Re: mariah
"you seem to be to be slightly misinformed" - ah, the best explanation for anyone who doesn't share your opinion. "I, on the other hand, know everything there is to know about this famous person, because I like her music and if I like her that means we are like soul twins or something, even though really she would never even cross the street to pee on me if I was on fire."
ninafarina
Apr. 16th, 2008 04:19 am (UTC)
I think it's either Carly or Brooke. I think Carly would owe that fuckyouvery much more to her tattooface husband than the judges constantly and disproportionately hammering on her. America says tattooface SKEERY.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 12:50 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure how much Tattooface will have to do with Carly being booted -- I think it'll be more to do with America seeing no compelling reason to keep her around as long as Archuleta and Jason Castro are being all dreamy to the core demographic -- but it's definitely not helping her case that she doesn't tell that dingus to stay home. I think at least a few viewers are terrified that they may have to one day contend with Tattooface having a Kevin-Federlinish career.
kudaspeaks
Apr. 16th, 2008 04:35 am (UTC)
Carly is seven times over this show. She keeps distancing herself from Ryan in order not to punch him. I KNOW THAT FACE I"M RIGHT.

Kristy Lee Cook is apparently made of teflon and kevlex. Because she is from Suck Island of the indestructible contestant.

Here on the West Coast comes David Cook. America do love a combover king. Even more than Archuleta of the angels? We shall see.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 12:51 pm (UTC)
The persistence of the Cooks utterly flummoxes me. Aren't there a million people like that already singing at Talent Nights in Sizzlers across the country?
janehex
Apr. 16th, 2008 05:19 am (UTC)
How much I hate Mariah Carey, who is by the way batshit fucking bonkers: I could only watch less than 30 minutes of this shit, and I usually make it through the whole episode. And I had to fast-forward through all the fakey "coaching" or whatever the fuck that is with the queen of all petulant, spoiled, overrated narcissists, Mariah Carey.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 12:53 pm (UTC)
Oddly enough, I thought Mariah was pretty unobjectionable (largely because she didn't sing; but tonight will be a must-miss), although we did get a little glimpse of the egomaniacal Mariah Carey of old when she would say "we'll see if they follow the advice I gave them" and then make a little sour face while contemplating the possibility that anyone would dare forego her divine wisdom.

picodulce
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
you know mariah will probably sing tonight.
OOH! My take (we watched with thevulgartrade because he was over to watch last week's Battlestar:

David A.: didn't suck.
Carly: uh... I didn't like her performance. our guest thinks that people just don't like deep-voiced women. i agree. she may be too "artistic" or "possibly creative" to win this show. but that's just me, and you know i'm a hater when it comes to Idol.
Syesha: moreso than anyone else, she sings to show off her vocal pyrotechnics, which are like a great white show in a podunk bar. our guest thought it was vocal masturbation i think. singing should be more of an orgy with the audience. ok, that was creepy. not as creepy as what I said about how much you like Carly last night but creepy.
Brooke: that was embarrassing to watch. she rushed through Hero! she rushed through the "r" and made it sound like "Hewo!" she might go home. but she is hot,, man, perm and all.
Kristy Lee: it was cringeworthy in the beginning and we fast forwarded towards the end, which sounded much better. of course she'll be in the bottom three, because that's where she's been for like 2 months.
David C.: I want him on my side during the great Karaoke Wars. i agree with dor that he'll win. which adds to my view about why this show is utterly silly.
Jason: luau! jason can't possibly stay until the end. then again, those dudes sell records, the john mayers and the other singer-songwriters who go by their names who kept hooking up with that sweet hippie girl in your dorm you totally liked but couldn't talk to... i didn't really know what to make of jason's performance. i was more wondering if he tried to sleep with mariah.

bottom three: Kristy Lee, Carly, Brooke. I don't know how Kristy Lee survives, but I also don't know how we got to the point where people elected GWB, so there you go.
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
Re: you know mariah will probably sing tonight.
>not as creepy as what I said about how much you like Carly last night

Dare I ask?
picodulce
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC)
Re: you know mariah will probably sing tonight.
i actually forget the phrasing, but involved the naming of your member. it was strange, and i think i grossed everyone out. but it had to do with you giving carly the business.

i think she's funny looking, and looks kinda like a friend of mine who dora thinks is rather unpretty (crossed with a goofy looking but cute friend).
(Anonymous)
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
This is you and dora's first season of Idol, right? I am pleased to see you have already realized this is much like the nationwide American electoral contests. I am sorry, however, for the loss of your innocence.
picodulce
Apr. 16th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)
hi, anonymous!

Dor, I think, watched some of it last season. I had promised myself I would never watch, but with the volume of the show and the sound of the mediocre-to-passable singing, and with me in my room yelling comments about how the singers are butchering songs...

well, i just decided to sit in front of it and watch the horror in person.
doraphilia
Apr. 16th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
Nope and never have before this season! This is my first season.

Who is a nonny mouse?!
ludickid
Apr. 16th, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure that's ninafarina and she just forgot to log in.
( 22 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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