Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator


Gentlemen, our annual financial statement has arrived from the central services via post, and I must say, the figures paint a grim picture indeed. This time last year o'the clock, we were celebrating over flutes of champagne at the good fortune with which Providence had blessed us: to-day, it seems the clotted hand of Lucifer has wiped clear our balance sheets as if 'twere a recently evacuated bottom.

The numbers, gentlemen, do not lie: there has been a 41 per-cent increase in idling, a 32 per-cent increase in both shirking and gold-bricking; and a frankly astonishing 71 per-cent increase in swanning about. Diligence and turpitude are in short supply, whereas we have an absolute surplus of guff, both payable and receivable. Our young apprentices, who once could be counted upon like the ticking-hand of a stopwatch to enter such productive endeavors as millinery, costermongering, and shoe-tar manufacture, are instead turning to foppery, street pandering and the ruffianous arts. In the last fiscal quarter alone, our branch was the victim of three ruckuses, five set-tos, and widespread misappropriation of company bumbershoots.

Drastic times call for desperate measures. From this point forward, every division, sub-division, and subdivisional divisional inter-office coordination office will be assigned a performance evaluation ranking and receive the grade "Top-Hole", "Fair-To-Middling", or "Dastardly Rotting". Those in the first category will be granted a pays increase of point one per-cent and an in-house haberdasher; those in the second will be assigned a productivity vizier and an assortment of motivational placards featuring popular news-sheet caricature "Little Tommy Slackaday"; and those in the third will see their senior management hollowed out and converted into coal chutes, and their children given over to the carnal depredations of the men who work in the molting plant.

Thank you for your attention.

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