?

Log in

No account? Create an account

JUMP BACK | BE FORWARD

50 Reasons I Can Never Be President

1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much
2. Atheist
3. Ties are uncomfortable
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government
6. Not a millionaire
7. Blood of filthy Mahometan running through veins
8. Have contemplated assassination of president
9. Oppose wars in general
10. Oppose wars in specific
11. Don't have a problem with terrorism per se
12. Think homo queers should be able to get married up
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs
14. Dislike shaking hands
15. Indifferent to the concerns of babies
16. Past activities as anarchist
17. Past activities as communist
18. Own four iterations of Grand Theft Auto video game
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place
22. "Soak-the-rich" tax policy
23. Intemperate comments made at Sadly, No! website
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet
25. Not good at bowling
26. Single
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock
29. Would carry own weapon, dismiss Secret Servicemen, possibly shoot people by accident
30. Proclivity to tell values voters they are stupid
31. Unapologetic elitist snob
32. Postmodernist
33. Relativist
34. Palestinian apologist
35. Own copy of Wayne C. Booth's A Rhetoric of Irony
36. Would appoint Willie D. nation's poet laureate
37. Fat
38. Think religion is embarrassing
39. Too many t-shirts
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves
41. Terrible snoring problem
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight
45. Would abuse power to ensure that White Sox make it to World Series every year
46. Would further abuse power to be starting pitcher for White Sox
47. Would suck as starting White Sox pitcher, necessitating even further abuse of power
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
49. Have no adequate answer for question about brutal slaughter of own wife and kids by furloughed convict
50. Nation would respond poorly to Justice League-based policy platform

Seriously, okay, here is what conservative America is saying today: "Hey, last time we overwhelmingly voted for a multi-millionaire oil executive/Yale MBA who once owned the Texas Rangers and whose dad was the President. What have you got this election?"

"A black guy."

"OMG ELITIST"

Comments

( 14 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
deanarae
May. 6th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC)
#19

That was YOU?!?
ludickid
May. 6th, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
...that was you?!?!?
roseyv
May. 6th, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
I dunno, it doesn't seem to have stopped any of them ...
1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much — Cheney (right, like he’s not really the president)
2. Atheist — Jefferson
3. Ties are uncomfortable — Kennedy
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula — Nixon (no, seriously)
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government — Washington
6. Not a millionaire — Lincoln
8. Have contemplated assassination of president — Johnson
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs — Bush, Clinton, Cleveland
14. Dislike shaking hands — Theodore Roosevelt
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic — Carter (okay, technically that was Roslyn, but she still lived in the White House)
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres — Ford (12-tone serial music); Bush II (Emocore)
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place (Carter, Clinton, Bush II)
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet (Bush I)
25. Not good at bowling — Harrison, FDR
26. Single — Buchanan (for reals)
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate — Clinton
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock — Clinton, Carter
37. Fat — Taft, 2nd term Clinton
38. Think religion is embarrassing — Increasingly, Obama (okay although technically he has not been president)
39. Too many t-shirts — Carter, Kennedy
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves — Cheney (see above)
41. Terrible snoring problem — Eisenhower (technically, that was Mamie, but she still lived in the White House)
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality — Plummer (yeah, most people don’t remember him. Not hard to understand why.)
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books (Bush II)
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight — Reagan, Truman
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
ludickid
May. 6th, 2008 09:13 pm (UTC)
WHAT ABOUT UMA?!?
Actually, you know who used to make jokes about his big cock all the time, for real? LBJ. Only he called it his 'pecker' so everyone forgave him. Folksiness can get you out of a lot of jams.
archaica
May. 6th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
Re: WHAT ABOUT UMA?!?
Once in a cabinet meeting he pulled out his schlong and said, "Let's see if Ho Chi Minh has anything like that!"
uvula_fr_b4
May. 7th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)
Re: I dunno, it doesn't seem to have stopped any of them ...
>>21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place (Carter, Clinton, Bush II)

Don't forget Andy Jackson!

Oh, wait: "Old Hickory" didn't like those rubes, despite his "common man" pose. My bad!
caladri
May. 6th, 2008 09:15 pm (UTC)
BOLDING THE ONES I
1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much
2. Atheist
3. Ties are uncomfortable
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government
6. Not a millionaire
7. Blood of filthy Mahometan running through veins
8. Have contemplated assassination of president
9. Oppose wars in general
10. Oppose wars in specific
11. Don't have a problem with terrorism per se
12. Think homo queers should be able to get married up
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs
14. Dislike shaking hands
15. Indifferent to the concerns of babies
16. Past activities as anarchist
17. Past activities as communist
18. Own four iterations of Grand Theft Auto video game
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place
22. "Soak-the-rich" tax policy
23. Intemperate comments made at Sadly, No! website
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet
25. Not good at bowling
26. Single
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate (http://store.babeland.com/dildos-silicone/brando)
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock
29. Would carry own weapon, dismiss Secret Servicemen, possibly shoot people by accident
30. Proclivity to tell values voters they are stupid
31. Unapologetic elitist snob
32. Postmodernist
33. Relativist
34. Palestinian apologist
35. Own copy of Wayne C. Booth's A Rhetoric of Irony
36. Would appoint Willie D. nation's poet laureate
37. Fat
38. Think religion is embarrassing
39. Too many t-shirts
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves
41. Terrible snoring problem
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight
45. Would abuse power to ensure that White Sox make it to World Series every year
46. Would further abuse power to be starting pitcher for White Sox
47. Would suck as starting White Sox pitcher, necessitating even further abuse of power
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
49. Have no adequate answer for question about brutal slaughter of own wife and kids by furloughed convict
50. Nation would respond poorly to Justice League-based policy platform
roseyv
May. 6th, 2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
OMG I'm sorry about Uma, but you know, replace "Uma" with just about any female name you can imagine, and it would be like, everybody ever who was ever president. Except for Buchanan. Who was probably just a big ole queer homosexual.
pookieman
May. 6th, 2008 09:49 pm (UTC)
Are you sure these aren't 50 reasons to vote for you?
I mean, damn, if a candidate referred to an opponent in a debate as a motherfucker* I'd probably camp out at the polls until November.




*- Exceptions are made for the fictional race between John Adams and John Quincy Adams.
ludickid
May. 6th, 2008 11:48 pm (UTC)
Exceptions are made for the fictional race between John Adams and John Quincy Adams.

Ha ha, oh man.
johnnylemonhead
May. 6th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
1 reason that I cannot be First Lady
These are all turn-ons of mine.
ludickid
May. 6th, 2008 11:48 pm (UTC)
Re: 1 reason that I cannot be First Lady
Even owning a copy of A Rhetoric of Irony? That's a pretty damn specific fetish.
unsee1ie
May. 7th, 2008 12:15 am (UTC)
i was just trying to vote for you but no clicky tickybox or flashy handholding dialog button; instead i switched on ESPN and wished i had a wife to get me a beer.
...needless to say i'm all for gay marriage, so i can get me a wife and she can get me a beer.
......crap, my attention span just lapsed.
so_crates
May. 10th, 2008 05:32 am (UTC)
Harvard MBA.
( 14 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )