Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

50 Reasons I Can Never Be President

1. Use the word "motherfucker" too much
2. Atheist
3. Ties are uncomfortable
4. Have purchased and eaten aragula
5. Have advocated the violent overthrow of United States government
6. Not a millionaire
7. Blood of filthy Mahometan running through veins
8. Have contemplated assassination of president
9. Oppose wars in general
10. Oppose wars in specific
11. Don't have a problem with terrorism per se
12. Think homo queers should be able to get married up
13. Enjoy wide variety of drugs
14. Dislike shaking hands
15. Indifferent to the concerns of babies
16. Past activities as anarchist
17. Past activities as communist
18. Own four iterations of Grand Theft Auto video game
19. Once got high on speed and had sex in front seat of 1983 Honda Civic
20. Enthusiasm for unconventional musical genres
21. Would invite noisy drunken friends to White House and let them wreck up the place
22. "Soak-the-rich" tax policy
23. Intemperate comments made at Sadly, No! website
24. Probably would look slightly foolish in tank driver's helmet
25. Not good at bowling
26. Single
27. Gigantic cock would make male voters feel inadequate
28. Tendency to make jokes about gigantic cock
29. Would carry own weapon, dismiss Secret Servicemen, possibly shoot people by accident
30. Proclivity to tell values voters they are stupid
31. Unapologetic elitist snob
32. Postmodernist
33. Relativist
34. Palestinian apologist
35. Own copy of Wayne C. Booth's A Rhetoric of Irony
36. Would appoint Willie D. nation's poet laureate
37. Fat
38. Think religion is embarrassing
39. Too many t-shirts
40. Tendency to tell people to go screw themselves
41. Terrible snoring problem
42. Not insane, self-aggrandizing type A personality
43. Job would leave little time for watching TV, getting high, and reading comic books
44. Suggestion that partisan clashes be solved by fistfight
45. Would abuse power to ensure that White Sox make it to World Series every year
46. Would further abuse power to be starting pitcher for White Sox
47. Would suck as starting White Sox pitcher, necessitating even further abuse of power
48. Something involving Uma Thurman
49. Have no adequate answer for question about brutal slaughter of own wife and kids by furloughed convict
50. Nation would respond poorly to Justice League-based policy platform

Seriously, okay, here is what conservative America is saying today: "Hey, last time we overwhelmingly voted for a multi-millionaire oil executive/Yale MBA who once owned the Texas Rangers and whose dad was the President. What have you got this election?"

"A black guy."


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