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JUMP BACK | BE FORWARD

Speaking of being president, it has come to my attention that some of you are 'undecided' and don't know who to vote for. This is because you are idiots. However, idiocy is easily solved, by a short series of four-option poll questions. After taking this quiz, tally up your answers, and vote for Obama in the election near you.

Poll #1183740 Mister or Mizz President (Wo)Man 2008

Who do you trust more to have their finger on the button?

The black guy, because they have long fingers
35(50.0%)
The woman, because women know how to accesorize
8(11.4%)
The guy who spent three years in a prison camp going slowly insane
3(4.3%)
What button?
24(34.3%)

The phone rings at 3AM. It's terrorists. They want to know if now is a good time to blow up America. Who do you want to answer the phone?

The black guy, who's probably not even there because he's out stealing his mom's stereo to buy crack
17(23.9%)
The woman, who is probably on her lady time and will get all hysterical and crazy
10(14.1%)
The guy who thinks we can occupy a foreign country we invaded for a hundred years with no casualties
1(1.4%)
An answering machine
43(60.6%)

The economy is in the shitter. Who best to fix it?

The rich one
21(29.6%)
The richer one
5(7.0%)
The richest one of them all
6(8.5%)
A hobo
39(54.9%)

Which candidate best reflects your moral values?

The one whose wife hates America and wishes it would die
49(69.0%)
The one whose husband got his yang horked by an intern
15(21.1%)
The one whose wife started a pediatric hospital so she would have a reliable source for the prescription drugs she was addicted to
7(9.9%)

Assuming you are one of the 80% of the public that's against the war, what candidate do you think can get us out of it?

The one who's actually against the war but who has read William Faulkner so is probably some kind of homo
64(90.1%)
The one who voted for the war but now says she was just kidding
3(4.2%)
The one who says we should be in more wars
1(1.4%)
I think the war is awesome
3(4.2%)

Comments

( 5 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
yuriverse
May. 6th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
Hmm, apparently my leanings are split fairly even between Hillary and Barack. With a bit of hobo support thrown in. This poll will def. have been helpful come lever-pulling time (if one can pull a lever when voting from overseas).
hipsterdetritus
May. 7th, 2008 12:58 am (UTC)
"got his yang horked"

New favorite fellatio euphemism!
vito_excalibur
May. 7th, 2008 05:40 am (UTC)
But to "hork" means to throw up! Biologically unlikely in this context!
roninspoon
May. 7th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
This poll lacks critical questions regarding lapel pins.
oilyrags
May. 7th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
as always, I'll base my vote primarily on which candidate has the scariest name.

Lycanthrope Mengele-Typhoidepidemic, I'M ON YOUR SIDE!
( 5 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )

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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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