Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Presenting: What will be the least successful Monday Poll ever!

So, as some of you may know, as Bibles go, I am no fan of modern translations. I think that the more you stray from the KJV, the more you dumb it down, and worse, the more you suck the poetry out of it, which is the only thing that makes big chunks of the fucking thing worth reading. But at other times, I wonder: is this a fair assessment, or am I just favoring the version I grew up reading?

To get a clearer picture of what you, the hellbound hoi polloi think, I have provided, below the cut, translations from 15 different versions of the Bible of one of my very favorite passages. Please read them and then vote in the following poll.


1. KING JAMES
Who can open the doors of his face? His teeth are terrible round about.
His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal.
One is so near to another, that no air can come between them.
They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered.
By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.
Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.
His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.
In his neck remaineth strength, and sorrow is turned into joy before him.
The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm in themselves; they cannot be moved.
His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone.
When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves.
The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon.
He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.
The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble.
Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear.
Sharp stones are under him: he spreadeth sharp pointed things upon the mire.
He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.
He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.
Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.
He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.

2. NEW INTERNATIONAL
Who dares open the doors of his mouth, ringed about with his fearsome teeth?
His back has rows of shields tightly sealed together;
Each is so close to the next that no air can pass between.
They are joined fast to one another; they cling together and cannot be parted.
His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn.
Firebrands stream from his mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.
Smoke pours from his nostrils as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.
His breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from his mouth.
Strength resides in his neck; dismay goes before him.
The folds of his flesh ae tightly joined; they are firm and immovable.
His chest is hard as rock; hard as a lower millstone.
When he rises up, the mighty are terrified; by reason of the crashing they purify themselves.
The sword that reaches him has no effect, nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.
Iron he treats like straw and bronze like rotten wood.
Arrows do not make him flee; slingstones are like chaff to him.
A club seems to him but a piece of straw; he laughs at the rattling of the lance.
His undersides are jagged potsherds, leaving a trail in the mud like a threshign sledge.
He makes the depths churn like a boiling cauldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.
Behind him he leaves a glistening wake; one would think the deep had white hair.
Nothing on earth is his equal -- a creature without fear.
He looks down on all that are haughty; he is king over all that are proud.

3. NEW AMERICAN STANDARD
Who can open the doors of his face? Around his teeth there is terror.
His strong scales are his pride, shut up as with a tight seal.
One is so near to another that no air can come between them.
They are joined to one another; they clasp each other and cannot be separated.
His sneezes flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
Out of his mouth go burning torches; spars of fire leap forth.
Out of his nostrils smoke goes forth as from a boiling pot and burning rushes.
His breath kindles coals, and a flame goes forth from his mouth.
In his nech lodges strength, and dismay leaps before him.
The folds of his flesh are joined together, firm on him and immovable.
His heart is as hard as a stone, even as hard as a lower millstone.
When he raises himself up, the mighty fear; because of the crashing they are bewildered.
The sword that reaches him cannot avail, nor the spear or the dart or the javelin.
He regards straw as iron, bronze as rotten wood.
The arrow cannot make him flee; slingstones are turned into stubble for him.
Clubs are regarded as stubble; he laughs at the rattling of the javelin.
His underparts are like sharp potsherds; he spreads out like a threshing sledge on the mire
He makes the depths boil like a pot; he makes the sea like a jar of ointment.
Behind him he makes a wake to shine; one would think the deep to be gray-haired.
Nothing on earth is like him, one made without fear.
He looks on everything that is high; hi e is king over all the sons of pride.

4. MESSAGE BIBLE
And who would dare knock at the door of his mouth filled with row upon row of fierce teeth?
His pride is invincible; nothing can make a dent in that pride.
Nothing can get through that proud skin -- impervious to weapons and weaher.
The thickest and toughest of hides, impenetrable!
He snorts and the world lights up with fire, he blinks and the dawn breaks.
Comets pour out of his mouth, fireworks arc and branch.
Smoke erutps from his nostrils like steam from a boiling pot.
He blows and fires blaze; flames of fire stream from his mouth.
All muscle he is -- sheer and seamless muscle. To meet with him is to dance with death.
Sinewy and lithe, there's not a soft spot in his entire body.
As tough inside as out, rock-hard, in-vulnerable.
Even angels run for cover when he surfaces; cowering befoe his tail-thrashing turbulence.
Javelins bounce harmlessly off his hide; harpoons ricochet wildly
Iron bars are so much straw to him, bronze weapons beneath notice.
Arrows don't even make him blink; bullets make no more impression than raindrops.
A battle ax is nothing but a splinter of kindling; he treats a brandished harpoon as a joke.
His belly is armor-plated, inexorable; unstoppable as a barge.
He rolls deep ocean the way you'd boil water; he whips the sea like you'd whip an egg into batter.
With a luminous trail stretching out behind him, you might think the ocean had grown a gray beard!
There's nothing on this earth quite like him, not an ounce of fear in that creature!
He surveys all the high and mighty -- king of the ocean, king of the deep!

5. AMPLIFIED BIBLE
Who can open the doors of his lipless mouth? His extended jaws and bare teeth are terrible round about.
His scales are the crocodile's pride, for his back is made of rows of shields shut up together as with a tight seal;
One is so near to another that no air can come between them.
They are joined one to another; they stick together so that they cannot be separated.
His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the reddish eyelids of the dawn.
Out of his mouth go burning torches, and sparks of fire leap out.
Out of his nostrils goes forth smoke, as out of a seething pot over a fire of rushes.
His breath kindles coals, and a flame goes forth from his mouth.
In the crocodile's neck abides strength, and terror dances before him.
The folds of his flesh cleave together; they are firm upon him, and they cannot shake when he moves.
His heart is as firm as a stone, indeed, as solid as a nether millstone.
When the crocodile raises himself up, the mighty are afraid; because of terror and the crashing they are beside themselves.
Even if one strikes at him with the sword, it cannot get any hold, nor does the spear, the dart, or the javelin.
He counts iron as straw and bronze as rotten wood.
The arrow cannot make the crocodile flee; slingstones are treated by him as stubble.
Clubs also are counted as stubble; he laughs at the rushing and the rattling of the javelin.
His underparts are like sharp pieces of broken pottery; he spreads grooves like a threshing sledge upon the mire.
He makes the deep boil like a pot; he makes the sea like a [foaming] pot of ointment.
His swift darting makes a shining track behind him; one would think the deep to be hoary with foam.
Upon earth there is not the crocodile's equal, a creature made without fear and he behaves fearlessly.
He looks all mighty beasts of prey in the face without terror; he is monarch over all the sons of pride.

6. NEW LIVING BIBLE
Who could pry open its jaws? For its teeth are terrible!
Its scales are like rows of shields tightly sealed together.
They are so close together that no air can get between them.
Each scale sticks tight to the next. They interlock and cannot be penetrated.
When it sneezes, it flashes light! Its eyes are like the red of dawn.
Lightning leaps from its mouth; flames of fire flash out.
Smoke streams from its nostrils like steam from a pot heated over burning rushes.
Its breath would kindle coals, for flames shoot from its mouth.
The tremendous strength in Leviathan's neck strikes terror wherever it goes.
Its flesh is hard and firm and cannot be penetrated.
Its heart is hard as rock, hard as a millstone.
When it rises, the mighty are afraid, gripped by terror.
No sword can stop it, no spear, dart or javelin.
Iron is nothing but straw to that creature, and bronze is like rotten wood.
Arrows cannot make it flee. Stones shot from a sling are like bits of grass.
Clubs are like a blade of grass, and it laughs at the swish of javelins.
Its belly is covered with scales as sharp as grass. It plows up the ground as it drags through the mud.
Leviathan makes the water boil with its commotion. It stirs the depths like a pot of ointment.
The water glistens in its wake, making the sea look white.
Nothing on earth is its equal, no other creature so fearless.
Of all creatures, it is the proudest. It is the king of beasts.

7. ENGLISH STANDARD
Who can open the doors of his face? Around his teeth is terror.
His back is made of rows of shields, shut up closely as with a seal.
One is so near to another that no air can come between them.
They are joined to one another; they clasp each other and cannot be separated.
His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the dawn.
Out of his mouth go flaming torches; sparks of fire leap forth.
Out of his nostrils comes forth smoke; as from a boiling pot and burning rushes.
His breath kindles coals, and a flame comes forth from his mouh.
In his neck abides strength, and terror dances before him.
The folds of his flesh stick together, firmly cast on him and immovable.
His heart is hard as a stone; hard as the lower millstone.
When he raises himself up, the mighty are afraid; at the crashing they are beside themselves.
Though the sword reaches him, it does not avail, nor the spear, the dart or the javelin.
He counts iron as straw, and bronze as rotten wood.
The arrow cannot make him flee; for him sling stones are turned to stubble.
Clubs are counted as stubble; he laughs at the rattle of javelins.
His underparts are like sharp potsherds; he spreads himself like a threshing sledge on the mire.
He makes the deep boil like a pot; he makes the sea like a pot of ointment.
Behind him he leaves a shining wake; one would think the deep to be white-haired.
On earth there is not his like, a creature without fear.
He sees everything that is high; he is king over all the sons of pride.

8. CONTEMPORARY ENGLISH
Who would try to open its jaws? Its teeth alone are frightening.
Its back is covered with shield after shield, firmly bound and closer together.
They are closer together than breath to breath.
They are bound to each other and cannot be torn apart.
When this monster sneezes, lightning flashes, and its eyesglow like the dawn.
And smoke spews from its nose like steam from a boiling pot
While its blazing breath scorches everything around.
He can set anything aflame with his mouth.
Its neck is so tremendous that everyone trembles.
The weakest parts of its body are harder than iron
And its heart is stone.
When this noisy monster appears, even the most powerful turn and run in fear.
No sword or spear can harm it
And weapons of bronze or iron are as useless as straw or rotten wood.
Rocks thrown from a sling cause it no more harm than husks of grain.
This monster fears no evil. It simply smiles at parties, and striking at it with a stick is like slapping at straw.
As it crawls upon the ground, its sharp and spiny hide tears the ground apart.
And when it swims down deep, the sea starts churning like boiling oil
And it leaves behind a trail of shining white foam.
No other creature on earth is so fearless.
It is king of all proud creatures, and it looks upon the others as nothing.

9. NEW CENTURY
No one can force open its great jaws; they are filled with frightening teeth.
It has rows of shields on its back that are tightly sealed together.
Each shield is so close to the next one that no air can go between them.
They are joined strongly to one another; they hold on to each other and cannot be sundered.
When it snorts, flashes of light are thrown out, and its eyes look like the light at dawn.
Flames blaze from its mouth; sparks of fire shoot out.
Smoke pours out of its nose as if coming from a large pot over a hot fire.
Its breath sets coals on fire, and flames come out of its mouth.
There is great strength in its nech. People are afraid and run away.
The folds of its skin are tightly joined; they are set and cannot be moved.
Its chest is as hard as a rock, even as hard as a grinding stone.
The powerful fear its terrible looks and draw back in fear as it moves.
The sword that hits it does not hurt it, nor the arrows, darts and spears.
It treats iron as if it were straw, and bronze metal as if it were rotten wood.
It does not run away from arrows; stones from slings are like chaff to it.
Clubs feel like pieces of straw to it, and it laughs when they shake a spear at it.
The underside of its body is like broken pieces of pottery. It leaves a trail in the mud like a threshing board.
It makes the deep sea bubble like a boiling pot; it stirs up the sea like a pot of oil.
When it swims, it leaves a shining path in the water that makes the sea look as if it had white hair.
Nothing else on Earth is equal to it; it is a creature without fear.
It looks down on all those who are too proud; it is king over all proud creatures.

10. AMERICAN STANDARD
Who can open the doors of his face? Round about his teeth is terror.
His strong scales are his pride, Shut up together as with a close seal.
One is so near to another, that no air can come between them.
They are joined one to another; they stick together, so that they cannot be sundered.
His sneezings flash forth light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
Out of his mouth go burning torches, and sparks of fire leap forth.
Out of his nostrils a smoke goeth, as of a boiling pot and burning rushes.
His breath kindleth coals, And a flame goeth forth from his mouth.
In his neck abideth strength, and terror danceth before him.
The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm upon him; they cannot be moved.
His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, firm as the nether millstone.
When he raiseth himself up, the mighty are afraid: by reason of consternation they are beside themselves.
If one lay at him with the sword, it cannot avail; nor the spear, the dart, nor the pointed shaft.
He counteth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.
The arrow cannot make him flee: sling-stones are turned with him into stubble.
Clubs are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the rushing of the javelin.
His underparts are like sharp potsherds: he spreadeth as it were a threshing-wain upon the mire.
He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.
He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.
Upon earth there is not his like, that is made without fear.
He beholdeth everything that is high: he is king over all the sons of pride.

11. YOUNG'S LITERAL
The doors of his face who hath opened? Round about his teeth are terrible.
A pride -- strong ones of shields, shut up -- a close seal.
One unto another they draw nigh, and air doth not enter between them.
One unto another they adhere, they stick together and are not separated.
His sneezings cause light to shine, and his eyes are as the eyelids of the dawn.
Out of his mouth do flames go, sparks of fire escape.
Out of his nostrils goeth forth smoke, as a blown pot and reeds.
His breath setteth coals on fire, and a flame from his mouth goeth forth.
In his neck lodge doth strength, and before him doth grief exult.
The flakes of his flesh have adhered -- firm upon him -- it is not moved.
His heart is firm as a stone, yea, firm as the lower piece.
From his rising are the mighty afraid, from breakings they keep themselves free.
The sword of his overtaker standeth not, spear -- dart -- and lance.
He reckoneth iron as straw, brass as rotten wood.
The son of the bow doth not cause him to flee, turned by him into stubble are stones of the sling.
As stubble have darts been reckoned, and he laugheth at the shaking of a javelin.
Under him are sharp points of clay, he spreadeth gold on the mire.
He causeth to boil as a pot the deep, the sea he maketh as a pot of ointment.
After him he causeth a path to shine, one thinketh the deep to be hoary.
There is not on the earth his like, that is made without terror.
Every high thing he doth see, he is king over all sons of pride.

12. DARBY
Who can open the doors of his face? Round about his teeth is terror.
The rows of his shields are a pride, shut up together as with a close seal.
One is so near to another that no air can come between them;
They are joined each to its fellow; they stick together, and cannot be sundered.
His sneezings flash light, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
Out of his mouth go forth flames; sparks of fire leap out:
Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a boiling pot and cauldron.
His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.
In his neck lodgeth strength, and terror danceth before him.
The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are fused upon him, they cannot be moved.
His heart is firm as a stone, yea, firm as the nether millstone.
When he raiseth himself up, the mighty are afraid: they are beside themselves with consternation.
If any reach him with a sword, it cannot hold; neither spear, nor dart, nor harpoon.
He esteemeth iron as straw, bronze as rotten wood.
The arrow will not make him flee; slingstones are turned with him into stubble.
Clubs are counted as stubble; he laugheth at the shaking of a javelin.
His under parts are sharp potsherds: he spreadeth a threshing-sledge upon the mire.
He maketh the deep to boil like a pot; he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment;
He maketh the path to shine after him: one would think the deep to be hoary.
Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.
He beholdeth all high things; he is king over all the proud beasts.

13. NEW LIFE
Who can open the doors of his mouth? Around his teeth is much fear.
His hard covering is his pride. He is shut up as with a lock.
One piece of his hard skin is so close to another that no air can come between them.
They are joined one to another. They hold on to each other and cannot be separated.
His breath gives out light. And his eyes are like those of the first light of day.
Burning light goes out of his mouth. Fire comes out.
Smoke goes out of his nostrils, as from a boiling pot and burning grass.
His breath sets fire to coals. A fire goes out of his mouth.
Strength is in his neck, and fear jumps in front of him.
The folds of his flesh are joined together. They are set in place and cannot be moved.
His heart is as hard as a stone, even as hard as a grinding-stone.
When he raises himself up, the powerful are afraid. They are troubled because of his noise.
The sword that hits him cannot cut. And spears are of no use.
He thinks of iron as straw, and brass as soft wood.
The arrow cannot make him run away. Stones thrown at him are like dry grass to him.
He thinks of heavy sticks as dry grass. He laughs at the noise of the spear.
The parts under him are like sharp pieces of a pot. He spreads out like a grain crusher on the mud.
He makes the sea boil like a pot. He makes the sea like a jar of oil.
He makes his way shine behind him. One would think that the sea has white hair.
Nothing on earth is like him, one made without fear.
He looks on everything that is high. He is king over all that are proud.

14. HOLMAN CHRISTIAN STANDARD
Who can open his jaws, surrounded by those terrifying teeth?
His pride is in his rows of scales, closely sealed together.
One scale is so close to another that no air can pass between them.
They are joined to one another, so closely connected they cannot be separated.
His snorting flashes with light, while his eyes are like the rays of dawn.
Flaming torches shoot from his mouth; fiery sparks fly out!
Smoke billows from his nostrils as from a boiling pot or burning reeds.
His breath sets coals ablaze, and flames pour out of his mouth.
Strength resides in his neck, and dismay dances before him.
The folds of his flesh are joined together, solid as metal and immovable.
His heart is as hard as a rock, as hard as a lower millstone!
When Leviathan rises, the mighty are terrified; they withdraw because of his thrashing.
The sword that reaches him will have no effect, nor will a spear, a dart or an arrow.
He regards iron as straw, and bronze as rotten wood.
No arrow can make him flee; slingstones become like stubble to him.
A club is regarded as stubble; and he laughs at the whirring of a javelin.
His undersides are jagged potsherds, spreading the mud like a threshing sledge.
He makes the depths seethe like a cauldron; he makes the sea like an ointment jar.
He leaves a shining wake behind him; one would think the deep had white hair!
He has no equal on earth -- a creature devoid of fear!
He surveys everything that is haughty; he is king over all the proud beasts.

15. NEW INTERNATIONAL READERS
Who dares to open its jaws? Its mouth is filled with terrifying teeth.
Its back has rows of shields that are close together.
Each one is so close to the next one that not even air can pass between them.
They are joined tightly to one another. They stick together and can't be forced apart.
The leviathan's snorting throws out flashes of light. Its eyes shine like the first light of day.
Fire seems to spray out of its mouth. Sparks of fire shoot out.
Smoke pours out of its nose. It is like smoke from a boiling pot over buning grass.
Its breath sets coals on fire. Flames fly out of its mouth.
Its neck is very strong. People run to get out of its way.
Its rolls of fat are close together. They are firm and can't be moved.
Its chest is as hard as rock. It is as hard as a lower millstone.
When the leviathan rises up, even mighty people are terrified. They run away when it moves around wildly.
A sword that strikes it has no effect. Neither does a spear or dart or javelin.
It treats iron as if it were straw. It crushes bronze as if it were rotten wood.
Arrows do not make it run away. Stones that are thrown from slings are like straw hitting it.
A club seems like a piece of straw to it. It laughs when it hears a javelin rattling.
Its undersides are like broken pieces of pottery. It leaves a trail in the mud like a threshing sled.
It makes the ocean churn like a boiling pot. It stirs up the sea like perfume someone is making.
It leaves a shiny trail behind it. You would think the ocean had white hair.
Nothing on earth is equal to the leviathan. That creature is not afraid of anything.
It looks down on proud people. It rules over all those who are proud.

Poll #1186680 Leviathan

Based on the excerpts, which Bible translation is the WORST of those listed?

King James
2(5.4%)
New International
1(2.7%)
New American Standard
0(0.0%)
Message Bible
3(8.1%)
Amplified Bible
3(8.1%)
New Living Bible
4(10.8%)
English Standard
0(0.0%)
Contemporary English
8(21.6%)
New Century
0(0.0%)
American Standard
0(0.0%)
Young's Literal
5(13.5%)
Darby
0(0.0%)
New Life
3(8.1%)
Holman Christian Standard
1(2.7%)
New International Readers
7(18.9%)

Based on the excerpts, which Bible translation is the BEST of those listed?

King James
22(59.5%)
New International
7(18.9%)
New American Standard
0(0.0%)
Message Bible
0(0.0%)
Amplified Bible
2(5.4%)
New Living Bible
1(2.7%)
English Standard
0(0.0%)
Contemporary English
1(2.7%)
New Century
0(0.0%)
American Standard
0(0.0%)
Young's Literal
1(2.7%)
Darby
2(5.4%)
New Life
0(0.0%)
Holman Christian Standard
1(2.7%)
New International Readers
0(0.0%)

Other comments?

You didn't really think I was gonna read all those, did you?
7(14.9%)
I mean seriously. You must be out of your goddamn mind.
4(8.5%)
Bunch fuckin' church shit.
4(8.5%)
I ought to bust a cap in your sorry ass.
1(2.1%)
Not to mention, where is Ezekiel 23:30?
6(12.8%)
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    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

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