Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator


Yes, it's the latest installment of "Tit Bits", my very popular imaginary syndicated column where I give lifestyle advice tips from my years as a staffer at Gentleman's Quarterly. Enjoy!


People sometimes give me a look when I yell at my 3-month-old daughter to shut up and stop crying, but if there's a better way to angrily tell a child that you're tired of listening to it, I don't know what it is.


I look forward to the day when all racial prejudice has been banished from the Earth, along with the last of the black people.


My son came to me the other day worried about the size of his endowment. I reminded him that it wasn't the inches, it was what you bought to compensate for the lack thereof. Then I took him for a ride in my red convertible sports car, and he seemed like he felt better.


Hey, Harper's Index, I got one for you. PERCENTAGE OF YOU WHO ARE DIRTY COMMUNISTS: 100


All of my top ten favorite movies of all time start with "National Lampoon's".


You know who I think would make a great stand-up comedian? Colon cancer. Man, you know that guy's got some stories!


I learned three valuable lessons from my time in the USAF: first, not to call it the United States Asshole Foundation. Second, "don't ask - don't tell" should be amended to add "don't demonstrate graphically during a Fourth of July Parade". And third, the Air Force and I are talking about very different things when we talk about my dishonorable discharge.


My kids got me one of those "WORLD'S BEST DAD" coffee mugs, only instead of "BEST" it says "FAT", and instead of "DAD" it says "JACK-OFF". And instead of "WORLD'S" it says "YOU". Still, it's the thought that counts.


When I'm on vacation, I hate going to those overpriced, overcrowded tourist-trap attractions. But I do it anyway, because my wife hates it even more.


No matter how much we speculate, I don't think mankind will ever solve the mystery of why that escort agency charge keeps showing up on my credit card bill.

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