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Tasteful San Antonio: The Sexening

The hack-rag local paper here is having a Sex and the City contest. If you and a select group of your friends can ably demonstrate how you "live -- and dress -- the Sex and the City lifestyle", you win thousands of dollars in prizes.

Now, I've never seen Sex and the City, I have no intention of seeing the Sex and the City movie, and I am not a lady. But I do enjoy winning thousands of dollars in prizes, so I thought about entering. The way I see it, my chances are about 50/50.

PRO: I live in a city
CON: It's not a very good city

PRO: I enjoy sex
CON: I do not have sex

PRO: I "dress" when I go outside
CON: I do not wear "a dress"

PRO: I am alive
CON: I do not have any friends, let alone a select group of them

PRO: I could probably fake having a Sex and the City lifestyle

Your advice on how I could win this contest is welcome.


May. 29th, 2008 07:14 pm (UTC)
If you already live - and dress - in a Sex in the City type manner, there is absolutely no way you need thousands of dollars extra. I'm just sayin'.
May. 29th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
Well, New York City and San Antonio do have a lot in common:

1. They are on Earth
2. They are in the United States
3. They are inhabited by human life

May. 29th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
Wow, you only thought of two things!
May. 29th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)
Drink lots of Cosmos. If you don't win, you won't care.
May. 29th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
Step 1) Act incredibly immature and vapid in your relationships and dealings with the opposite sex.

Step 2) Act incredibly immature and vapid in your relationship and dealings with money.

Step 3) Observe the way 2-year-olds dress themselves. Copy that, only more expensively (see Step 2).

Step 4) Write glowingly about your immaturity when it comes to sex and money or, at least, do voiceovers in your head about it.

Step 5) Convince other men that this somehow means you are enviable and that they should follow your example.
May. 30th, 2008 11:14 am (UTC)
I've never seen the show encapsulated better. Kudos.
May. 29th, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, just send them "Tit Bits." That'll do it.
May. 29th, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm no womanologist, but ...
The other day there was some kind of SATC-related extravaganza at or near Radio City Music Hall, which is right across the street from where I work. So as I tackled streets already swamped with first-holiday-week-of-the-summer tourist/vacationers, trying to get back from lunch in under four hours, I also had to bob, weave, and dodge among droves of 40-something women who apparently took the premiere of this movie as license to show up for work on a random Tuesday dressed in bright pink, strapless, sequined cocktail dresses. So, apparently you could start by dressing really inappropriately for the office.

But I think the one thing you MUST do is to find yourself an emotionally and otherwise unavailable object of romantic desire, obsesses on her for years, interpret her every lukewarm offer of a late-night booty call as probably being a sign that she is totally in love with you, for real, remain utterly oblivious of her complete lack of interest in you until the day she marries someone else. At that point, announce that you are over her and declare yourself “strong.” Then cheat on her new husband with her. Then break up with her because it suddenly dawns on you that maybe she’s no good for you. Then pine over her for a while, then get back together with her because she’s really changed and totally appreciates you now, no, seriously. For real.

That ought to do it.
May. 29th, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
The other day at work I had to collate some clips from San Antonio local news. Everyone looked like they were right out of 1985. It made me think of your Tasteful San Antonio entries.
May. 30th, 2008 01:03 am (UTC)
I've never seen Sex and the City, either. I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything.
May. 30th, 2008 04:04 am (UTC)
I am so MST3K damaged that every time I hear about "Sex in the City's Kim Catrall" I'm all "wait, you mean the ditz from City Limits is doing something people care about?"
May. 30th, 2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
mention that you have a blog and that your life conveniently themes itself according to the post you make monday... and that everything is wrapped up by sunday morning, leaving you and your "big romance" just enough time to loll around in bed reading the Sunday Times and shopping at little street vendor displays.

oh! and that you have a name plate necklace which is totally slutty, but you love it anyway because it speaks to something wild and dark in you, but that you can't really otherwise express.
May. 30th, 2008 09:05 pm (UTC)
no I'm not at all bitter at the way they used Jennifer Hudson in the movie, why'd you ask?
1. Surround yourself entirely with white 30somethings who spend slightly more per month on hair products than on rent.
2. Decide you need to be surrounded by a more diverse group of people.
3. Hire a black person to fetch your hair products for you and to be your general assistant-gofer.
4. Pat yourself on the back a lot for your affirmation of the value of diversity.

Oh, also:

a. Continue talking about subjects such as sex, masturbation, etc. as you always have, but
b. Act like you're really challenging social norms in shocking and progressive ways when you do so.

Also if you want to have a sex-change operation and wear a lot of pink high heels, that would probably help.

Disclaimer: I have never actually seen more than ten minutes of Sex and the City. There is a reason for this. However, I've read some articles about the movie, provided that they mention Jennifer Hudson in them. And I watch Lipstick Jungle sometimes, because it's a teeeeeensy bit better than -- OK, no, it's not any better than SATC, but the eye candy is a whole lot better.

Also I just want to mention that the people who made the SATC movie were the ones who used that rationale of "we need a black person in this movie -- let's hire Jennifer Hudson to be Carrie's assistant!". So it's not like they're satirizing the thought patterns of white NY snobs. Sadly.

Edited at 2008-05-30 09:09 pm (UTC)
Jun. 3rd, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
I am deeply ashamed to announce I did watch SATC on the television. I believe I was also watching The Real World at this time. I think I was regressing to my high school years, which were awful enough the first time around. I crave abuse, I suppose.
I have no better suggestions for you than those already put forth. SATC SUX.