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An' ting

Can we just admit once and for all that, just as a vote against Hillary Clinton was a vote against women everywhere, a vote against Barack Obama is a vote against blacks, whites, males, Africans, Americans, Kansans, Illinoisans, bowlers, fake Muslims, and people who buy coke when they can afford it? Honestly, people.

Being a pessimist about such things, I'm trying to think of an upside to John McCain's inevitable victory in the presidential election. So I keep flashing back to this idea that me and my pal Conklin (co-inventor of the Pierce-Conklin Humor Weighting System) had when we lived in AZ: John McCain actually went crazy during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton and, in his mind, he's still there. Everything that's happened since, to him, is just the gooks putting on a show to convince him to betray America. So when he takes that oath of office, he'll think that the Supreme Court justice "swearing him in" is just some commie stooge that Charlie paid off, and he'll finally just flip out and snap: he'll pull a fork out of his suit pocket that he's had there for 30 years and plunge it into Scalia's eye, and scream at his running-mate, "NICE TRY, CHING CHONG! NOW COME GET SOME". It'll be a beautiful moment.


Jun. 5th, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
That would almost make it worth it.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
He would put a gun up to Elaine Cho's head and she would say "HE NOT BRUFFING". It would be so, so great.
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC)
If I thought that would really happen I'd vote for him. Well, depending on who he picks as his running mate.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:45 am (UTC)
What if it was Mitt Romney?
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC)
Mitt would actually be a good choice, considering the fact that he's actually a Muppet.

I don't know why it took so long for people to discover this. Only a Muppet would be named Mitt.
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:07 pm (UTC)
Wait, do you really think McCain's win in Nov is inevitable? Say it isn't so!
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
Well, alls I know is:

(a) No one I have ever voted for in a presidential race has won

and (b) I'm really excited about Obama, meaning he is almost certain to lose. Or be assassinated.
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, man. I'M JUST SAYIN'.
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)
She's right Leonard, even a drunken schmuck votes right nice, I say!
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:46 pm (UTC)
YEAH!!! EVEN A -- huh?
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:45 am (UTC)
I'm not a broken clock! I'm a blind squirrel!
Jun. 5th, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
(a) President Smashthestate Whynotmotherfucker never had a real shot, even with your diligent write-in campaign;

(b) you've been more excited longer about Uma Thurman and she's just fine. Therefore I conclude as long as you never actually meet and express your admiration of Senator Obama, he'll get along.

Jun. 6th, 2008 01:47 am (UTC)
(a) I will never forgive that bastard Whynotmotherfucker for letting me down.

(b) UMA IS NOT FINE! She was stalked! By someone who was not me!

Also, to my great shame, I have already met Senator Obama.
Jun. 6th, 2008 02:33 am (UTC)
I figure picking Clinton as his running mate would be his best life insurance policy!
Jun. 5th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, HAR!
I almost choked on a walnut there.

Also: I'm trying to think of an upside to John McCain's inevitable victory in the presidential election.

I’ve already come up with 2: First: whoever is president for the next four years is going to be blamed relentlessly and completely wrong-headedly for all the inevitable disasters we’re about to be confronted with (peak oil, food shortages, out-of-control inflation and unemployment, etc.). I’d way rather have that person be McCain than Obama. And second, with any luck at all, my sketch comedy show will open Election Day week, and the closer we’ll do if McCain wins is a lot funnier and more emotional than the one we’ll use if Obama does. So, I’m much likelier to be pitched headlong into cult stardom in the former case than the latter.

Of course, I may not live long enough to enjoy it much, but still.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
Re: Oh, HAR!
Well, I have always said I'm willing to sacrifice the country for a good joke, and the Lord hates a liar.
Jun. 5th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
Your plus for a McCain Presidency: It's gonna be a RIDE, baby.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC)
I'm already stockpiling guns in anticipation of the loop-de-loop.
Jun. 5th, 2008 11:51 pm (UTC)
I'm trying to think of an upside to John McCain's inevitable victory in the presidential election.

It puts us one step closer to President Dog in 2012.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:51 am (UTC)
Good luck finding a 35-year-old dog, man.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:53 am (UTC)
Dog years, man. Dog years.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
I know this is where we say funny quippy things, but I'm so appalled by the media coverage of the primary's conclusion I having trouble bringing on the laffs.

It's just shockingly sensationalist. That's what makes me think we'll lose. Close races sell more advertising, so that's the story they'll tell. And we've not been so good at winning close races since Big Bill's second term.
Jun. 6th, 2008 01:59 am (UTC)
Yeah, I know. This post actually started out as a serious assessment of what the race might look like, but it made me so depressed I wanted to throw myself off an overpass. The one non-jokey prediction I'm standing behind is that this is probably gonna be the ugliest campaign any of us have ever seen.

The first hint of what tack the media was going to take, for me, was when the Washington Post carried a front-page article about the Obama-is-a-secret-Muslim rumor, just as if it was real news, and then in the same week all the Beltway reporters had their fun BBQ party with Maverick McCain they carried that story about how Obama drawing 80,000 people at a Portland rally was no big deal because the Decemberists opened up for him, and that was when I decided, you know what? Fuck it. Might as well resign myself to the loss now and stop caring so at least it won't sting so much when it happens. I dunno.

(insert heavy sigh)

Jun. 6th, 2008 03:09 am (UTC)
I don't know. I think people like McCain a lot more in the abstract -- war vet, conservative, pro-campaign finance reform, and so forth. But he has this amazing ability to do and say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. I'm cautiously optimistic, especially since the gamblers think Obama's going to win.
Jun. 6th, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)
Ah, the fiendish Yellow Peril. I bet Charlie is that clever. Perhaps McCain will challenge Scalia to a game of Russian Roulette.
Jun. 10th, 2008 01:43 pm (UTC)
I like the way you think.


flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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