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Adverse Advice III

As many of you know, I will occasionally offer Dear Abby-style advice on life, love, work, and home to all who ask. Recently, this feature has come under attack by those who say that all of my advice involves telling people to eat a dick. Nothing could be farther from the truth; I have often, in the past, suggested that people explore a wide range of options, including sucking a dick, licking a dick, licking my balls, and the sticking of things up asses. As for the people who accuse my column of being unhelpful, negative, vulgar and hostile, I believe they would all benefit from eating a big fat ol' greasy dick.

Having already been unfairly banned by law from answering questions originally sent to Dear Abby, Ask the Headhunter and Savage Love, I turn to you, the loyal Skullbucket reader. If you have problems or troubles that are preventing you from enjoying life to the fullest: please, explain them here. I will answer any and all questions to help YOU have a better existence.

Just no questions about Gyppoes and Bohunks or I have to cut your glands off. Sorry, I don't make the rules.


Jun. 18th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Question: Who does "make the 'rules'"?
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
The rules are made by the International Rules Committee, and are as unchangeable as the tides. Rule #1 is 'no questions about Gyppoes and Bohunks'. Rules #2-72 involve dick-sucking. Rule #73 is you don't talk about Fight Club.
BLANK - steve_hicken - Jun. 18th, 2008 07:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
so the problem is not the people who think you are negative and vulgar, but the people who say so.
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
That's not a question, but yes.
BLANK - eatsoylentgreen - Jun. 18th, 2008 07:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC)
Dear Leonard,

I accidentally went to a meeting I had already attended (this was a repeat for anyone who had missed the original but I didn't realize that until I was already there) and ate the food they were serving. Then I left, because I had already sat through the boring stuff on branding before. But now I am afraid my boss will think I only came for the food. What should I do?


Damn, I Forgot to Get a Cookie
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
Dear Damned,

Here's what you do. You load up that paper plate with as much freebie chow as you can cram down your eatin' tube. If your boss says you've already gone to the meeting and he/she thinks you just came for the food, you say: "Oh, yeah, I just can't get enough of the delicious your wife's pussy they're serving. You better head back to the buffet yourself, there, lard lad, I think they're almost out of my dick."
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:28 pm (UTC)
Is it a good idea to get a job in an office where a friend of yours already works? It seems like it might result in getting too much of each other and all your conversations could become shop talk, but on the other hand, you're almost guaranteed an ally in the office when other coworkers start driving you crazy, as they almost inevitably will.
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:37 pm (UTC)
Look, dude, if you're worried about office chit-cat, you obviously just aren't asserting yourself enough. Sidle up to the handsomest guy at the water cooler and then grab his sack and give 'em a nice 180-degee twist. Tell him that the next words out of his shit neck better be about how awesome you are, or else he'll be wearing your cock for a mustache. Problem solved!
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC)
How the hell do I get a boyfriend? Do I need to make my desperation even more tangible?
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:38 pm (UTC)
Bottle of ether, a basement, and uninquisitive neighbors.
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:33 pm (UTC)
What do third party candidates in the Presidential race really hope to accomplish?
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC)
They hope to accomplish a massive chafing of my goddamn fucking ass.
BLANK - roninspoon - Jun. 18th, 2008 07:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
oh now I see we're supposed to ask you things. Ok. What will restore democracy to this land?
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:20 pm (UTC)
It will take a great deal of dedicated effort by concerned citizens with a genuine stake in the future of our nation, who are determined to find a way to move away from foreign adventurism and concentrate on the vital need to suck my dick.
BLANK - eatsoylentgreen - Jun. 18th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC)
Will the falling ratio of workers to retirees doom the Social Security and Medicare programs within our lifetime?
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
No. It will doom the Social Security and Medicare programs within our children's lifetimes, but I don't have any kids so I don't give a fuck.
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
So- if I am starting to get bored at my job and realizing that any job gets boring after some amount of time, is the important thing then to try to get paid much better for being bored?
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
I'm often accused of being sexist, but I ask you: How can I possibly be sexist when most of the people I murder are women? I mean, it would be sexism to not murder them just because they're women, right? I look forward to your insight.
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:15 pm (UTC)
If it weren't for people like you murdering women, the feminist's claim of male oppression would be a hollow lie. You're actually making feminism possible.
Jun. 18th, 2008 08:59 pm (UTC)
Dear Ludickid,
I am "dying" to know if a co-worker who said he was going to come in here (the office) with a gun someday and kill us all was suspended or fired (he has not been at work since making the statement). How can I find out?
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:16 pm (UTC)
Call him up on the phone and say "Hey, ugly, we haven't seen you since you went all psycho and said you were gonna shoot up the place. So what's the story? Got balls, or are you all talk?"
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC)
What I really need is less some advice and more like a multi-step plan to change my life for the better.

Failing that, I'll take advice on quick and clean methods of suicide.
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Stick of dynamite in the mouth, and light it.
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
How do I get my constantly stoned roommate to clean up after herself?

(Is "steal her weed" a viable option? Please say it is.)

Edited at 2008-06-18 09:09 pm (UTC)
Jun. 18th, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
Hide her weed under the trash.
BLANK - mr_bix - Jun. 19th, 2008 02:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 18th, 2008 10:24 pm (UTC)
Dear Ludickid,

I'm an asshole. What should I do?

Jun. 19th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
Dear Ludickid,

Should I use an internet dating site to find a girlfriend?