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Please Forward This Questionnaire

Q: What is to be done with Woody Allen?

A: This person should be run over with a car.

Q: There is an internet meme going around which suggests that people do not read enough good books. The receiver of this meme is then requested to make typographical alterations to a list of books thought by someone or other to be desirable. One of those books is Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven. What the fuck?

A: What, indeed, the fuck. Mitch Albom should be shot in the forehead with a sniper rifle.

Q: Did you know that only two of the four major U.S. television networks keeps a full-time reporter in Iraq, and only one keeps a full-time reporter in Afghanistan?

A: Yes, I did know that. I can only assume that the war is over, and that we won.

Q: Although it seems you have already been doing so for some two decades, can you offer up another aspect of Ayn Rand's character that you find laughable?

A: She sometimes cited Friedrich Nietzche as the philosopher who had had the most profound impact upon her, but it seems as if she barely understands his writings, if at all.

Q: "Pregnancy pact".

A: Seriously, the media, eat a giant stone dick.

Q: Pandering megapreacher James Dobson has lately taken presidential candidate Barack Obama to task for having correctly identified several passages from the Bible. What is to be done?

A: The world would be a better place if James Dobson were crushed to death by a fallen hunk of the international space station. This should happen in front of his children.

Q: Are you aware that many of your solutions to social problems involve brutal killings?

A: Yes, I am.

Q: But surely you don't think violence can solve everything?

A: Certainly not. Violence cannot solve the Adobe Illustrator problem I'm currently working on*, nor can it solve Fermat's Last Theorem, or the problem of how to make a diet soda without an unpleasant aftertaste. But it can solve any problem that stems from someone being an asshole.

Q: What is one of the crowning ironies in the history of unionism?

A: That peaceful methods succeeded where violence failed. After shooting, beating, burning and bombing innocent men, women and children to death to try and turn them away from solidarity, the bosses eventually realized that all they had to do was find people even more desperate and take the job to them -- or, failing that, bring them to the job. Steelworkers in India will work for a month what Americans fought to make in an hour; Mexican immigrants now flood our mines, extracting coal for minimum wage and then paying the bosses a "job tax" for the privilege of not being fired. When Florence Reese says "If they shoot me, they can't shoot the union out of me", she fails to anticipate that thirty years on, someone else will beg for those bullets.

Q: What about Don Imus?

A: That guy should be fed into a turbine engine. One that's going really slow.

*: Except in an extremely abstract and complex way -- for example, if I were to kidnap someone at gunpoint who was better at Illustrator than I am, and threaten him or his family with violence unless he completed this design project for me.


Jun. 26th, 2008 07:38 pm (UTC)
"Times spokesman Ali Zelenko said the magazine stands by its story."

Well. That makes me want to punch Joel Stein all the harder.

I know he has nothing to do with Time Magazine Editorial Policy, I just really hate Joel Stein.
Jun. 26th, 2008 07:38 pm (UTC)
Now this is a list!
Jun. 26th, 2008 07:48 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you dropped that asterisked footnote because I was gonna say...
Jun. 26th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
A: She sometimes cited Friedrich Nietzche as the philosopher who had had the most profound impact upon her, but it seems as if she barely understands his writings, if at all.

Really? That's the most laughable thing you have about Ayn Rand on a moment's notice? Oh, man - I could go to towwwwwwwn on that chick.

if I were to kidnap someone at gunpoint who was better at Illustrator than I am, and threaten him or his family with violence unless he completed this design project for me.

I smell sequel!
Jun. 26th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, it's not the most laughable thing I have about her. It's just the most laughable thing that I haven't already said about her a million times.

I think probably "wore a cape with dollar bill symbols on it", "claimed that she could objectively prove that Beethoven was better than Mozart", and "was proud of the fact that she could explain her philosophy while hopping around on one foot" would tie for all-time most laughable thing.
Jun. 26th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC)
How about being so loony that she inspired economist Murray Rothbard to write a satirical play about her inner circle?

It's not hilariously funny, but it's clever and telling, and the image of Rothbard hunched over a typewriter saying, "Yes ... yes, this is genius" slays me.
Jun. 26th, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
CARSON (turning to KEITH): Keith, would you like a cigarette? Here, this is a particularly rational brand.


Jun. 26th, 2008 07:56 pm (UTC)
Man, I just got a gander at that book list and how much did Ass Factory Publishing pay to get so many of its titles on there?
Jun. 26th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
I know, right? "Featuring selections from the Not-Good-Enough-For-The-Oprah-Book-Club Collection."
Jun. 26th, 2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
MAN! That list fucking sucks so bad.
Jun. 26th, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC)
Actually, Fermat's Last Theorem was solved. The proof involved deploying an M1 Abrams tank.
Jun. 26th, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
re: The 5 People YOu Meet in Heaven
What the fuck indeed. That was my precise reaction, in fact.

That, and "The DaVinci Code? What the pluperfect FUCKETY fuck?!?!?"
Jun. 26th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
Re: The 5 People YOu Meet in Heaven
You are goddamn kidding me. I could drill a hole in my skull and pour in a box of rocksalt and still write a better book that THE DAVINCI CODE. I am a horrible writer, so I don't say that lightly. You don't even have to go beyond the opening sentence:

Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery. He lunged for the nearest painting he could see, a Caravaggio. Grabbing the gilded frame, the seventy-six-year-old man heaved the masterpiece toward himself until it tore from the wall and Saunière collapsed backward in a heap beneath the canvas.

to know that this book is to good writing what face-rape is to children's birthday parties.
Jun. 26th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
Also, what is the precise nature of your Adobe Illustrator problem?

I may be able to help.
Jun. 26th, 2008 10:09 pm (UTC)
Strangely, this page has been linked from this blog.


(I was looking for that book list and this was one of the three results)
Jun. 27th, 2008 04:32 am (UTC)
It is also worth noting that the shitty book list (which has Captain Corelli's Mandolin on it for fuck's sake) also has "The Chronicles of Narnia" and "The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" as two separate entries. Ditto "The Complete Works of Shakespeare" and "Hamlet." Maybe they are suggesting Francis Bacon wrote "Hamlet."