Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator

America: 230 Years of Barely Surviving the Horrible Threat of Foreigners


Decade: the 1770s
Greatest Threat: the English
Nature of Threat: British sought to place us back under the thumb of their imperial rule
Consequences of Failure: we'd all be speaking English today
Victor: America!

Decade: the 1780s
Greatest Threat: liberals
Nature of Threat: Attempts to place too many restrictions on gun ownership and not enough restrictions on free speech into the Constitution
Consequences of Failure: a nation of unarmed blabbermouths
Victor: real Americans, but not decisively called for forces of good until 2008

Decade: the 1790s
Greatest Threat: the French
Nature of Threat: took whole "democracy" thing a bit too far
Consequences of Failure: widespread embrace of the metric system
Victor: guillotine manufacturers

Decade: the 1800s
Greatest Threat: Barbary pirates
Nature of Threat: darkies learned to operate sailing vessels
Consequences of Failure: ruination of the America's Cup
Victor: National Talk Like a Pirate Day

Decade: the 1810s
Greatest Threat: the British again
Nature of Threat: crazed fops sought to burn down the White House
Consequences of Failure: unconscionable delay in beginning era of American imperialism
Victor: America!

Decade: the 1820s
Greatest Threat: foreigners, generally
Nature of Threat: America's "neighbors" start to get funny ideas about who's in charge here
Consequences of Failure: short supply of cheap labor
Victor: James Monroe

Decade: the 1830s
Greatest Threat: farmers
Nature of Threat: selfish land-hoarding deters building of railroad tracks
Consequences of Failure: hindering the free movement of capital
Victor: Cornelius Vanderbilt

Decade: the 1840s
Greatest Threat: Mexicans
Nature of Threat: drug-crazed bean-eaters attempted to retain control of areas they had settled in for hundreds of years
Consequences of Failure: Texans would be even more obnoxious
Victor: America!

Decade: the 1850s
Greatest Threat: Negroes
Nature of Threat: endless complaining about slavery leads to widespread dissent
Consequences of Failure: no more slaves
Victor: push

Decade: the 1860s
Greatest Threat: Negroes
Nature of Threat: shiftless goldbrickers goad Americans into fighting each other
Consequences of Failure: industrialism, civil rights, rap music
Victor: carpetbaggers

Decade: the 1870s
Greatest Threat: Negroes
Nature of Threat: given their freedom, blacks instantly abuse it
Consequences of Failure: loss of innocence on the part of white women
Victor: W.E.B. DuBois

Decade: the 1880s
Greatest Threat: Indians
Nature of Threat: selfish insistence on remaining on productive land
Consequences of Failure: people might start to think things belong to them just because they live in the place those things are located
Victor: George Armstrong Custer

Decade: the 1890s
Greatest Threat: the Spanish
Nature of Threat: helping William Randolph Hearst blow up a boat
Consequences of Failure: nowhere in the Caribbean to build casinos
Victor: the Mafia

Decade: the 1900s
Greatest Threat: Filipinos
Nature of Threat: stubborn resistance to imperialism, Christianity
Consequences of Failure: Mark Twain getting all smug
Victor: America!

Decade: the 1910s
Greatest Threat: Germans
Nature of Threat: more trouble over boats
Consequences of Failure: decline of European aristocracy
Victor: corpse-eating rats

Decade: the 1920s
Greatest Threat: drunks
Nature of Threat: defying the laws of our lord and savior Jesus Horatio Christ
Consequences of Failure: widespread substance abuse in the U.S.
Victor: the Mafia

Decade: the 1930s
Greatest Threat: poor people
Nature of Threat: expecting hardworking plutocrats to bail them out of their own financial mismanagement
Consequences of Failure: multiple elections of That Man
Victor: global communism

Decade: the 1940s
Greatest Threat: Japs and Ratzis
Nature of Threat: alliance of crazed fascists who won't do business with us
Consequences of Failure: only remaining Jews in the world confined to the U.S., trying to join our country clubs
Victor: America!

Decade: the 1950s
Greatest Threat: Koreans
Nature of Threat: ching-chong monkey-men screwing around with our Cold War
Consequences of Failure: beatniks go from pink to red, put us all in zipperhead concentration camps
Victor: Ike

Decade: the 1960s
Greatest Threat: hippies
Nature of Threat: long-haired troublemakers want to give civil rights to just anybody
Consequences of Failure: everybody gets civil rights
Victor: global communism

Decade: the 1970s
Greatest Threat: the Vietnamese
Nature of Threat: just like in Korea, only smellier
Consequences of Failure: no Rambo
Victor: defense contractors

Decade: the 1980s
Greatest Threat: Negroes
Nature of Threat: that horrible crazy rap music
Consequences of Failure: Puff Daddy
Victor: crack dealers

Decade: the 1990s
Greatest Threat: Iraqis
Nature of Threat: foreign monarchies once again in peril
Consequences of Failure: high gas prices
Victor: America! Sort of.

Decade: the 2000s
Greatest Threat: Arabs
Nature of Threat: the end of civilization as we know it
Consequences of Failure: the end of civilization as we know it
Victor: TBD

  • Dueling: The Interminable Continuation

    More nuggets: - Abraham Lincoln almost fought a duel once. He wrote an anonymous letter protesting Illinois tax policy, and the law's sponsor found…

  • Dueling: the Fascinating Facts

    So I'm reading this book on the history of dueling. It's called Gentlemen's Blood and is written in an amusing high-whoopsie style by historian…

  • The Death of Irony, Chapter XXXVIII

    Here is a nice passage from Sore Winners, a surprisingly thoughtful book of essays on post-9/11 culture by John Powers, a film critic and editor at…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.