Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator


Q. I would like to introduce e-commerce to my website. I am a small manufacturer of women's vinyl lingerie. What would be the most effective way for me to accept online payments?

A. The best course of action would be to find someone who already does this, and somehow 'hack' into their computers so that all the money comes to you. This not only ensures you a steady revenue stream with low overhead, but obviates the need for you to actually manufacture any products.


Q. To what do you attribute the failure of web comics to attain a loyal, paying audience?

A. There are a number of factors at work: The poor readability of digitized art as opposed to printed, the lack of a feasible and affordable micropay system, the inability of online content providers to form a workable distribution and marketing network, and the fact that web comics are terrible. Mostly, however, the problem can be traced to Satanists.


Q. Is it worthwhile to buy a new iPhone upon its release, or would it make more financial sense to wait?

A. The iPhone, essentially, is a beautifully designed fusion of two very simple products: the cellular telephone and the electric eye. When one 'crosses the beam' by putting the phone in close proximity to one's face, an electronic alarm is triggered in the form of a Coldplay song. Since cell phones and electric eyes are both coming down in price, and Coldplay will soon be overtaken on the charts by Shinedown, it is best to hold off. June of 2014 should about do it.


Q. What is the best software to use for small business inventory tracking: a simple spreadsheet program, such as Excel; a more robust database software, such as Access or Filemaker; or a dedicated inventory program by a proprietary vendor?

A.: Inventory should not be tracked electronically, as this leaves your company vulnerable to attacks by computer pirates, supervillains, and grackles. Instead, it should be tracked by a teenaged intern holding a clipboard. Do not give pens to this intern as he or she will only abuse them.


Q. What are the advantages of having game design done by a domestic programming outfit, as opposed to a more affordable overseas concern?

A. There are none. Not only will you pay more, but you will find technical support to be frustratingly simple and effective, and at no point will you and your colleagues be able to laugh at the comically bad English employed in project updates. There is an old saying in the gaming industry: "use your head, hire a red". This saying, after the fall of communism, has been updated to "use the thing that your skull doth cushion/and make thee haste to employ a Russian". It is the same for Indians, only they do not rhyme.

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