Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Another sound business decision from America's corporate masters

American Airlines, which recently has begun to charge passengers for transporting their luggage, plans on using the revenue boost to do something extremely sensible and not at all idiotic: installing laser defense systems on their planes to thwart the almost entirely nonexistent threat of terrorists shooting down their aircraft with hand-held rocket launchers. The cost to equip their entire fleet with this technology, which, if it were available twenty years ago, could have saved the lives of the zero people who have died from such rocket attacks, is one million dollars per plane, or a total of $683,000,000 to cover AA's entire fleet. That money will all go to BAE Systems, one of many defense contractors who have been barely surviving in the dark days since 9/11. The proceeds from installing the vital space lasers will help BAE nudge its pitiful 2007 sales of $14.9 billion into the realm of decent profitability.

American, a recipient of taxpayer-funded federal bailout money following the 2001 terror attacks, has helped itself save the money it will need to protect its passengers from Stinger-wielding Islamofascists by relentlessly fighting the unions that attempt to secure higher wages for its employees. Some left-wing rabble-rousers suggest that the recent replacement of FAA-certified union mechanics with low-wage, non-union equivalents with no certification might be responsible for the safety inspection failures which left thousands of passengers stranded earlier this year, but some people will say anything. Surely it's better to ground a flight that was endangered by your own greed than it is to endanger a flight by not spending a million bucks on a hull-mounted anti-terrorist laser!

In the wake of 9/11, when American began losing money completely due to the terrorists and not at all due to their own incompetent, overzealous and poorly thought out takeover of TWA, the airline has shown an admirable dedication to its three goals of saving money, serving its customers, and ensuring safe flights. One way to save money is to cheat your pilots and cabin crews out of their seniority and put thousands of them on permanent "furlough", while simultaneously awarding an unprecedentedly huge compensation package to your executives, as former CEO Donald Carty did before being forced to resign in 2003. And a good method for serving your customer is to "furlough" nearly a thousand more stewards, mechanics and pilots, against your own union agreement, while putting extra seats on aircraft to make them more crowded, and contracting flights out of one of your major hubs, while charging your passengers money for checked bags. You might also want to collude with another airline to fight a local law that limits the number of gates at airports; then you can crowd the whole place with flights, and that's money well spent, unless by some freakish occurrence it turns out nobody needs all those extra flights. (Public relations hint: try doing all these things just after you turn a $58-million profit!) And if you're really serious about ensuring safe flights, forget all that jazz about well-qualified mechanics and rigorous inspections; go straight for the space lasers.

Yes, American Airlines, you are surely one of America's FREE MARKET HEROES!
Subscribe

  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 16 comments

  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…