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JUMP BACK | BE FORWARD

Suddenly, it occurs to me that I got mine, and everyone else can go screw! After all, it's not as if I might someday need the assistance of others!

It now seems beyond dispute that the only music worth listening to was that which was popular between my 18th and 25th birthdays! All music written since then – as well as all movies made and all TV shows produced since then – are just a bunch of crap.

In particular, I hate rap music. Not only the music, but all the lifestyle accoutrements that go with it. In fact, it seems obvious that it is rap music and its accompanying tropes, and not 400 years of oppression, inequality and disenfranchisement, that is responsible for the state of the black community today. My #1 law enforcement priority is the banning of baggy pants on young people.

I have become tremendously attracted to young girls. Most especially ones under 21. I cannot imagine anyone older than that being able to understand my complex personality. In order to signal to such girls my desirability as a gentleman suitor, I intend to buy an expensive red sports car at the soonest opportunity. (Unfortunately, it cannot be a convertible, as I am not yet balding.)

My minor and commonplace health problems have suddenly become fascinating to me, and, I must assume, everybody else.

Although I do not have children, I believe that if I did, they would be endlessly fascinating to others. I also believe that only I would raise said children in the proper way, and everyone else's child-rearing stories would be boring and/or misguided.

It has come to my attention that kids sometimes trespass on my lawn. I demand an immediate cessation to this activity, and also that the kids be darned. Additional subjects of darning are their hair, their rock and roll, and any new technologies with which I am not already familiar.

Further information can be found in a series of angry letters to the editor I plan on writing daily from now until my death.

Comments

( 73 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
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vito_excalibur
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sport!
ortho_bob
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
New gig ghostwriting John McCain speeches?
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Lately I have become confused and irritable in the dairy section of my local supermarket. I demand legislation of some sort be passed.
doraphilia
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
WHEEERREE IS LEONARD!!!!!!!!!!!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
He died. I am your new host, Old Man Crankenstein.
tx_cronopio
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday, cutie!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:57 pm (UTC)
Thank ya!
thebitterguy
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:54 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday, then.
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks, sir! I'm only 28 in Canada years.
doraphilia
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:54 pm (UTC)
Oh I get it now. You turned 50!!!!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
Ha! Not quite, but it sure feels that way...
roninspoon
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC)
A milestone has been passed. Much like passing a kidney stone, it will sting at first. Eventually the pain will be replaced with a warm sensation that is roughly analogous to uncontrollable urination, as well as increased desire to drink enormous amounts of water.

I recommend purchasing several pairs of rayon pants in soothing mellow shades of lime green or pale blue. Insure that they are sized properly to be secured with a tight belt above your navel.
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
I have become exceedingly fond of checkered patterns and visors.
BLANK - roninspoon - Aug. 7th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
erindubitably
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:04 pm (UTC)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:28 pm (UTC)
Why thanks! I'm still bummed that you won't be in LA when I get out there, but I am very excited about why you won't be there.
BLANK - erindubitably - Aug. 7th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
solipsiae
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:14 pm (UTC)
Jeez, fresh teen pussy's gonna be harder to arrange for your birthday than what Carlos and I had in mind...
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC)
If you can't score me some under-21 trim, you are not the friend I took you for.
BLANK - solipsiae - Aug. 7th, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Aug. 8th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - solipsiae - Aug. 8th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
kudaspeaks
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:15 pm (UTC)
Hap to the birth, as the kids say! Mind you pull your Sansabelt slacks up properly now.
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Where might a 'hep' young fellow locate some golf shoes in this town, my good lady?
hipsterdetritus
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
HA HA! GO TO BED, OLD M-

wait: I'm 30, and by internet-circa-2008 standards I am an old man myself

shit
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Dude, don't come crying to me, I WAS BORN IN THE SIXTIES.
BLANK - hipsterdetritus - Aug. 7th, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
snurri
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)
Just wait until next year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
Next year, by my widely mocked method of counting, I will still be in my thirties, but I will officially have to shake my fist at anything turned up higher than 4 on a stereo.
editrix26
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
Happy birthday!
ludickid
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC)
Well, thank you, Mrs.!
roseyv
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
Happy birthday, Peach!!
roseyv
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:27 pm (UTC)
Sorry that should have been "Peaches."
doraphilia
Aug. 7th, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC)
I thought you were calling him Princess Toadstool.
BLANK - ludickid - Aug. 7th, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
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