It now seems beyond dispute that the only music worth listening to was that which was popular between my 18th and 25th birthdays! All music written since then – as well as all movies made and all TV shows produced since then – are just a bunch of crap.
In particular, I hate rap music. Not only the music, but all the lifestyle accoutrements that go with it. In fact, it seems obvious that it is rap music and its accompanying tropes, and not 400 years of oppression, inequality and disenfranchisement, that is responsible for the state of the black community today. My #1 law enforcement priority is the banning of baggy pants on young people.
I have become tremendously attracted to young girls. Most especially ones under 21. I cannot imagine anyone older than that being able to understand my complex personality. In order to signal to such girls my desirability as a gentleman suitor, I intend to buy an expensive red sports car at the soonest opportunity. (Unfortunately, it cannot be a convertible, as I am not yet balding.)
My minor and commonplace health problems have suddenly become fascinating to me, and, I must assume, everybody else.
Although I do not have children, I believe that if I did, they would be endlessly fascinating to others. I also believe that only I would raise said children in the proper way, and everyone else's child-rearing stories would be boring and/or misguided.
It has come to my attention that kids sometimes trespass on my lawn. I demand an immediate cessation to this activity, and also that the kids be darned. Additional subjects of darning are their hair, their rock and roll, and any new technologies with which I am not already familiar.
Further information can be found in a series of angry letters to the editor I plan on writing daily from now until my death.