Kuda Bux of Seattle, WA attributes my slow decline as a human being worth knowing on my having turned my back on Christ. We're afraid Ms. Bux is hazy on the details: what actually happened is, I turned my dogs on Christ.
Shek Baker of Philadelphia, PA reports having been in a "mood" yesterday. We recommend a strict regimen of not being a little sissy Mary.
Angela Epley of Dallas, TX wants to know why, despite having taken an Allegra, she is still congested. The fact is, congestion relief is beyond the capacity of any product that looks like both an early-'70s PBS show and the world 'algebra'. We recommend 3-2-1-Contac instead.
Jane Church, likewise of the crown jewel of the Pacific Northwest, compares the complexity of her feelings to that of a fine 1928 Beaujolais. Unfortunately, a 1928 anything is likely vinegar by now, and thus slightly more complex than might be desired.
Carrie "Chemical" Hoffman of the Unexplored South was sick yesterday. We wish her well.
Conrad Zaar of the dominion of Canada was of the understanding that our inquiries involving bacon referred to Francis Bacon. Not clear: which Francis Bacon he intended? The Elizabethan scientist/poet, or the modern Irish painter? And which would taste better crumbled into mashed potatoes?
Stephanie Kuenn of a different part of Chicago believes that I need some sleep. We couldn't agree more, Mrs., but unfortunately, sleep is apparently something I left behind in my distant past, like orgasms and the ability to eat solid food without having heart palpitations.