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I really want to know!

Usually, these polls are "push" polls -- that is, I am seeking a specific answer, and the other answers are just there so I can make fun of you. In this case, however, all questions are serious inquiries as to your opinion on matters not yet decided.

And now, a story:


So, as some of you may know, my day job is in an office building. Yellow Rectangular Border Publishing is on the top floor, and one of our lower-floor neighbors is M.A.D.D. (Mother Against Drunk Drivers). Occasionally, of an afternoon, I will encounter some sheepish-looking teenager wandering the halls looking for their office, where he has been directed to attend a seminar for having been caught out in his dad's Voyager after a couple of Lone Stars.

Anyway, about a week ago, I was leaving for the day, and there were these four M.A.D.D.-women in the elevator. They had one of those little wheeled carriers that people sometimes use for luggage, and on it was a box containing about a dozen softcover books. One of the women laughed at something and her gum fell out of her mouth and landed on my shoe, which has nothing to do with my question, I am simply mentioning it for no reason.

We all left the building about the same time, the four women from M.A.D.D. in front of me. On their way out, the woman with the wheeled carrier made a misstep, and her box of books fell over, depositing the books on the sidewalk. All of the women immediately got down and helped her pick them up; I just kept walking. One of them shouted out at me, really sarcastically, "Thanks for the help."


Poll #1265539 Tuesday Super Non-Push Poll

In the story above, was I an asshole?

Oh, you were SO an asshole.
Maybe you weren't an asshole, but you should have at least offered to help.
I have no opinion.
No, you weren't an asshole. There were four of them. They didn't need help.
THEY were the assholes for dropping their funky ol' gum on your shoe.
You are always an asshole regardless of your culpability in this individual scenario.
See Comments for nuanced reply.

Should I grow a beard?

Absolutely not. You would look like a fucking idiot.
Probably not. You would look even more like a lazy fat guy than you do now.
I have no opinion.
Yes. You would look manly and attractive.
Yes. It would be funny.
I think you should grow a beard BECAUSE you would look like a fucking idiot.
See Comments for nuanced reply.

Lately, I haven't been cooking much, because I live alone, and I find it pointless and somewhat frustrating to cook for one. Should I cook more?

Yes. Cooking, even for one, is a valuable skill to retain, plus it's cheaper and more efficient than eating out.
Yes. Someday you won't live alone and you should stay in practice.
I have no opinion.
No. You're right – cooking for one is sad and pathetic.
No. Cooking for one is fine, but given your limited storage space, it's wasteful and not all that cheap.
Maybe you should just eat less in general, Fatso O'Fattery.
See Comments for nuanced reply.

Which of the following are major factors for you when buying a car?

gas mileage/fuel efficiency
environmental factors
safety features
consumer ratings
others (see Comments)
I have never bought a car

I don't have any friends in San Antonio. Given that I am generally an asocial mope who hates people and the things that they do, how might I correct this, assuming that I wanted to?

ETA: This poll sounds a lot more pathetic than I intended. The whole thing about eating alone was meant to be practical – I love to cook, as any of my Chicago friends can testify, but I also find it kind of irritating to either (a) batter the portions down to one-serving size or (b) let a bunch of food go to waste, since I don't really have the freezer/refrigerator space to store leftovers. It came out, though, as a variant of "Am I a sad little clown if I eat at a restaurant by myself?"

As far as the friends thing goes, it's impossible to ask that question without sounding like a loser. But honestly – without school or a job as a means of meeting people, I'm kind of at a loss here. There's no real music, film or literary scene in SATX, and the kinds of people who like my other interests (gaming, comics, and alcohol abuse) tend to be melvins or scumbags. Maybe I should just go on eBay and order some.


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Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
Ah. You're a gumshoe.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
BLANK - rollick - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC)
In re: beard---I'd have to see it to decide if it looked good. It could look great or it could look like Bluto.

The books scene is funny--with 4 of them there, they obviously didn't need help, but I might have felt obligated to make a pretense of making sure they didn't need help.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Wait, are you saying that looking like Bluto would NOT be great?
BLANK - goingferal - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(Deleted comment)
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BLANK - goingferal - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
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BLANK - ludickid - Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:29 pm (UTC)
If you have the ability to grow a beard, it is your duty to do so.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
What crazed religion teaches this?
BLANK - brandawg - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:33 pm (UTC)
"Thanks for the gum!"
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC)
One of my character flaws is the fact that I find M.A.D.D. insufferably self-righteous, so no, I would not have helped. And I don't even drink and drive! it's just that tone...
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:15 pm (UTC)
Anything a group of mothers are for or against, I feel that I must hold an opposite opinion on, just because they're such a bunch of smug bitches.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
There is a dire shortage of non-stupid facial hair in this country. The prevalence of fools with wispy chin beards guarantees this. A proper beard grown by yourself would help to turn the tide.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:44 pm (UTC)
What would be a "proper" beard, though? Left to its own devices, I fear my beard would tend towards unpleasant Grizzly Adamsry. I can see the appeal of an Osama bin-Laden beard, but that would take years.
BLANK - shekb - Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)
As for meeting new people...may I also suggest you start wearing MANDOM.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:10 pm (UTC)
Of course! I should be consulting the never-wrong New York Times Lifestyle section!
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:01 pm (UTC)
Aw, I'll say it out in public and everything: FUCK A M.A.D.D. IS WHAT!
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC)
Enjoy it down there on the punk-ass SECOND FLOOR, ladies! HA HA HA
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:02 pm (UTC)

Ann rather liked my beard. In our 26 years together, she made it quite clear I was never to shave it off. Nor do I have any intention of doing so now.


Edited at 2008-09-23 05:03 pm (UTC)
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:09 pm (UTC)
Fair enough. Obviously, if I had a female person in my life who told me to do something of the kind, I would do it.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:08 pm (UTC)
I'm with Xtinkerbelle -- I would have to see the beard. I'm inclined to say you could carry it off, but you just never know.

Oh, and as for cooking -- it's probably a hell of a lot healthier, too. Restaurants are scary, scary places if you look around.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:19 pm (UTC)
You should totally drive drunk today, just to piss those ladies off (more).
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
It is my view that growing a beard almost always makes a man better-looking, because men look terrible and covering up their faces with hair can only work to their advantage. It is pointless for Brad Pitt to grow a beard, but most other men should probably go for it.

The itchy feeling goes away after a short time. The only thing to worry about is grooming. You want to look like someone who is growing a beard, not like someone who just stopped shaving one day. I recommend purchasing a beard trimmer, which is basically an electric razor with a special attachment.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
The logic in your first sentence is hard to argue with.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:47 pm (UTC)
I eat alone every day of my life — it’s not pathetic. Jesus. What are you supposed to do, not eat? I mean, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but not by simply stopping my consumption of all food. Of course you could seek people out in parks and coffee shops and say, “do you mind if I eat with you? I am lonely.” THAT would be pathetic. Also, a perfectly simple solution would be to cook on Saturday and/or Sunday, in quantities sufficient to get you through the rest of the week with sandwiches or salads or leftovers that you just pop in the microwave. For heaven’s sake. Just cook! You enjoy it, it is, in fact, cheaper, and it probably is good go stay in practice.

Also, why are all your answers so self-loathingly specific!? I don’t think you should grow a beard because I don’t like beards and I think you have a nice face, so why cover it? Also, that woman DROPPED GUM ON YOUR FUCKING SHOE and apparently not only didn’t apologize, she didn’t so much as bat an eye. And there were four of them! They couldn’t pick up six books between them without relying on the kindness of strangers? Jeepers. Still, nobody necessarily has to be an asshole in that situation. It just happened, that’s all. Now, the woman who once screamed at me as I walked through a door she was propping open while chatting with a friend in the lobby of my building: “IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WEREN’T GOING TO SAY THANK YOU, I WOULDA SLAMMED THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE!!!”? She was an asshole.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
Well, uh...

1. I wasn't suggesting that I stop eating. I was asking if I should stop cooking. I don't mind eating alone at all; I just feel slightly foolish cooking for one.

2. Cooking in quantity on the weekend is difficult, because my freezer is the size of a shoe box, and my refrigerator is the size of a small box with a shoe box on top of it.

3. My answers are self-loathingly specific because "self-loathingly specific" would be my middle name if it wasn't already "Allen".
BLANK - roseyv - Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)
I chose the answer I did because it was the closest, but with FOUR of them there, the idea that you should have stopped and helped because you had a cock is kind of ridiculous.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
I guess that depends on the kind of help they were asking for.
BLANK - archaica - Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - roseyv - Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
Beards make people look older. Norman looks like he's 16 without one even though he is double that.

About the food thing, I wished it was checkboxes because I wanted to say the first two-- I foresee a companion in your future and you don't want your cooking skills to be rusty!

I was just talking to rum_holiday yesterday about this, she is cooking for herself this month and freezing portions.
Sep. 23rd, 2008 06:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, she's got a bigger freezer than I do, though. My kitchen is tiny.
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