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Barba-rian

To clarify a point raised in today's poll, I want to make it clear that if I grow a beard, I will not be growing a polite little respectable person's beard. I will not be sporting a wingnut face mullet, or a nicely-trimmed, take-it-home-to-meet-the-parents kind of a beard such as is found on some of your boyfriends. As befitting my status as someone who should not even be let out of the house, I will be growing a huge, unruly mess of hair that signifies the strong possibility of mental illness. It will be intended to amplify, rather than conceal, my horribleness.

As an example, here are some of my favorite beards, in more or less descending order of preference.

Osama bin-Laden, uncatchable mischief-maker.

Billy Gibbons, ZZ Top axeman.

Kerry King, guitarist for Slayer.

Kyp Malone, TV on the Radio guitarist.

Alan Moore, comics genius/wizard.

Will Oldham, triple threat.

Grigori Rasputin, indestructible monk.

Rick Ross, felonious rapper.

Rick Rubin, Def Jam uberproducer.

Mike Watt, thunder-broomster.

Feel free to change your votes accordingly.

Comments

( 34 SHOTS LICKED — LICK A SHOT )
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calamityjon
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC)
Yeah, switch me out into the "yea" column.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC)
I knew I'd pick up a few goin' the other way...
littlewashu
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC)
Well I should hope so!
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:38 pm (UTC)
As an aside, if it were possible, I would totally grow an incredibly fake-looking beard like the Soggy Bottom boys.



Edited at 2008-09-23 08:39 pm (UTC)
brandawg
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC)
This only makes me wish I could vote harder and more often, if such a possibility existed.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
That's what she said.
(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
Psssh. I can barely be bothered to take hunks of meat out of my beard, let alone engage in fripperies like braiding. Perhaps on the day I marry Icelandic pop star Hafdís Huld, I will give it a quick run-through with a brush, but that's it.
roninspoon
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:51 pm (UTC)
I support this beard endeavor fully.
shekb
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
If you could grow a Kyp Malone or a Rick Ross...man. Please, please go. I don't care if you never trim it, at least it won't be a goddamn meat head chin beard.
calamityjon
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)
THAT'S IT

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I wish I could just permanently affix an ultra-fakey costume shop beard to my face.

BLANK - kudaspeaks - Sep. 23rd, 2008 10:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Wait, are you the hat, or the neon sign?
roseyv
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
sigh.

I don't know enough about the details of your friends list to simply assume that everyone who is now officially excited about this is male, so I'll just say, for myself alone and not claiming to speak on behalf of The Laydees everywhere, that I sure do hope you don't sprout a face cabbage.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
The number of women for and against my growing a beard seems to be a push at the moment, but it's not like any of them are going to have sex with me, so now I'm just trying to figure out a balance of amusement and annoyance.
yuriverse
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
As a lifelong admirer of Rasputin, I of course advocate a big bad Raspubeard. Hey, it seemed to pull the laydeez his way, so who knows? You could hit a major lucky streak. Of course, it also inspired homocidal sneaky aristocratic crossdressers to lure him to their basements for poisoned cake, so keep an eye out around those homocidal sneaky aristocratic crossdressers you might know.

Also, if you feel risky, once you grow the Raspubeard, you can braid lit candles into it a la Blackbeard.
yuriverse
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
Although as far as "getting lucky" goes, let me qualify that supposition by mentioning that my own recent beard-growing adventure was put to a quick end by the husband when I mentioned how neat-o it might be if I tried just this once to grow it out into Rasputin-like proportions.

So, reactions may vary. Wildly.
BLANK - ludickid - Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
flying_blind
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
The Rick Ross is way too tidy. I've seen schoolteachers with that beard. I've seen Republicans with that beard!

The Kerry King is totally bear night at the gay bar (not that there's anything wrong with that), especially given his shaved head. Wear at your own risk. Risk will be elevated by baggy shorts and by tanks or stretched-out muscle shirts revealing pit tufts.

You should only wear the Rasputin if you also have Rasputin's Penis. Otherwise it would be like false advertising.

Any of the others, OK.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:39 pm (UTC)
I do not have Rasputin's penis. I have my penis, which is significantly larger.
BLANK - flying_blind - Sep. 24th, 2008 06:16 am (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - ludickid - Sep. 24th, 2008 12:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
BLANK - flying_blind - Sep. 24th, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
lauri8
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC)
MikeWattMikeWattMikeWatt!

I vote yea.

Also, Will Oldham should not be allowed to look like that. He'll always be the preacher boy in Matewan to me.

Edited at 2008-09-23 09:43 pm (UTC)
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:51 pm (UTC)
See, though, Watt was thin back then, so he looked like Che. I'm fat, so I'd look like Castro.
pr1ss
Sep. 23rd, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
This list suffers from a crying lack of Fidel Castro.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 11:30 pm (UTC)
goingferal
Sep. 23rd, 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
Bluto, I said. Bluto.
ludickid
Sep. 23rd, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)
memento_mori
Sep. 24th, 2008 03:52 am (UTC)
What, no Scott Ian??!
ludickid
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:09 pm (UTC)
I think the only guy who can really carry off a Scott Ian beard is Scott Ian.
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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