I would like to register a complaint in re: my hair. At this point in my life, I should be bald, like other useless fat guys. Baldness would allow me to stop getting my hair cut, wear a smaller hat size, and have another excuse for being a loveless schlump. But instead, I am two weeks from my last haircut, and I look like The Wild Man Of An Island That People From Borneo Refer To As A Bad Neighborhood. It implies an animalistic vigor* that I do not even remotely possess, and makes me afraid that I will be beaten by very old John Birchers. In closing, I demand that God strike me bald, or destroy the world, or something. Whatever. I'll be taking a nap.
*: Some of you, I know, are already preparing to note that, in fact, baldness -- not hirsuteness -- is a sign of increased testosterone. To this, I can only respond that you have a good point, and shut up.