Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

L'art du maugrément

A few minutes ago, while I was reading the AV Club review of Mirror’s Edge, I thought to myself, you know, if I didn’t spend so much time watching movies featuring parkour, and watching documentaries about parkour, and playing video games involving parkour, I might actually be able to learn to do parkour.

Then I remembered that I am a fat, hulking yutz in my late thirties who cannot run more than ten feet without having a heart attack and who gets winded answering the telephone. So instead, I decided to invent a new urban activity called “frakas”, or “free stomping”. It involves finding the most inefficient, violent and noisy way to navigate a route between two points. Obstacles can be painstakingly walked around, smashed to pieces while cursing angrily, or avoided altogether with the use of a taxicab. Preferred methods of traversal include stomping, shambling, lurching, trudging and meandering. Encountering a gap is usually dealt with by loudly complaining, or standing at the edge while shrugging one’s shoulders. The ultimate goal of frakas is to become one with the urban environment while doing as little work as possible, and to learn how to circumnavigate one’s surroundings begrudgingly, as our forefathers did.

Lessons start at $25 per hour. Recommended gear includes Tims, ironic t-shirts, and packs of cigarettes.
Subscribe

  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

    2016, the little year that absolutely could not, is almost over, and with the exception of people for whom it was a raging success —…

  • Shalom and the Jewish Jesus

    Shalom Auslander got the best possible start on having a sickly fatalistic sense of humor:  he was a miserable Jew from the day he was born. As…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 6 comments