Then I remembered that I am a fat, hulking yutz in my late thirties who cannot run more than ten feet without having a heart attack and who gets winded answering the telephone. So instead, I decided to invent a new urban activity called “frakas”, or “free stomping”. It involves finding the most inefficient, violent and noisy way to navigate a route between two points. Obstacles can be painstakingly walked around, smashed to pieces while cursing angrily, or avoided altogether with the use of a taxicab. Preferred methods of traversal include stomping, shambling, lurching, trudging and meandering. Encountering a gap is usually dealt with by loudly complaining, or standing at the edge while shrugging one’s shoulders. The ultimate goal of frakas is to become one with the urban environment while doing as little work as possible, and to learn how to circumnavigate one’s surroundings begrudgingly, as our forefathers did.
Lessons start at $25 per hour. Recommended gear includes Tims, ironic t-shirts, and packs of cigarettes.