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Melvins With Firearms

Bob "Confederate Yankee" Owens on his warring nature: khaki-shorts-wearing white suburban square vs. gun-toting white suburban lunatic.

As it turns out, a J-frame revolver with a full grip like that of the 637CT doesn’t fit real well in anything but the large side pockets of the cargo-style shorts I was wearing, so with every step, the 637CT slapped against my thigh. It was annoying, to put it mildly. Minimal clothing was required to deal with the heat with any degree of comfort, so the pocket holster, paired with a revolver with a full-size grip, was off the carry list until it was cool enough outside for a jacket.

Oh, Bob. (Owens, for those of you who don't follow the right-wing crazies, is famous for having criticized government assistance for poor people who had been made homeless by Hurricane Katrina, and then having a fund-raiser on his website because a windstorm blew over his grill.)

Does everyone see what I mean now when I say that being a liberal gun owner is a lot like being a comic book fan? It means, basically, being constantly embarrassed and ashamed by all the people who like the thing you like.


Dec. 9th, 2008 02:03 pm (UTC)
Does everyone see what I mean now when I say that being a liberal gun owner is a lot like being a comic book fan? It means, basically, being constantly embarrassed and ashamed by all the people who like the thing you like.

I'm waving hi to you from a couple subcultures over, where we have the same issue.
Dec. 9th, 2008 02:50 pm (UTC)
If the general reaction to gun culture was anything like the internet's reaction to furries, people would call you a perverted creep for liking John Woo movies.
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Dec. 10th, 2008 02:37 am (UTC)
Well, it's worth pointing out in the sense of "made me laugh," and also in the sense of "hey, here's another connection between the topics at hand." So, cheers.
Dec. 9th, 2008 02:24 pm (UTC)
So what he's saying is, that he can't in fact keep it in his pants.
Dec. 9th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
I contacted Smith & Wesson and told them of my plans, and they generously arranged to ship me a pair of handguns for a lengthy testing and evaluation period.

Smith & Wesson really needs to re-evaluate their PR program, if this seemed to be a good "get" for them.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
Owens, at least at one point, worked at a gun store, so that may have influenced their decision.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
I am not even remotely interested in reading the entirety of that Owens post so maybe I am missing an important nuance here. But come on, I'm a lefty pussenheimer whose gun knowledge is limited to which bullets go into which weapon in Fallout 3 and whose primary means of defending himself is kicks to the kneecaps. And even I'm all "wait, seriously, you keep your pistol in the pocket of your cargo shorts?" Don't they have holsters for that shit in every imaginable configuration, or is he all about the whole concealed-carry aspect? I just picture some scenario where Owens tries to be a hero and interrupt a mugging/robbery by dramatically whipping his gun out from his cargo shorts and I just laugh and laugh.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
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Dec. 9th, 2008 04:52 pm (UTC)
For guys like that, it's the equivalent of going to the grocery store in bedroom slippers and pajama pants (by which I mean it's the kind of shit you should ideally give up doing by your junior year of college)

Goddammit, YouTube, why don't you have that clip of Omar from The Wire shopping for cereal in that very getup?
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
As a non-liberal non-gun-owner (but perfectly cool with both), what about that particular essay bothers you? I find the gun fetishism a little silly (hmm, should I take the 13-round 9mm or the snub-nosed .38 with the laser sight to drop my daughter off at elementary school?), but otherwise? As far as conservatives writing about concealed carry go? Fairly restrained.
Dec. 9th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
It’s not that it bothers me – it’s that I find it hilarious. Owens is such a fucking clown. Like I said, it’s his warring nature: like a lot of right-wing nuts, he pictures himself as this heroic potential vigilante, roaming the streets armed to the hilt waiting for some scumbag criminal terrorist to start trouble so he can demonstrate the value of an armed society. But at heart, he’s a totally boring khaki-shorts-wearing suburbanite who’s no more likely to face real trouble than he is to catch a meteorite. So the end result is these ludicrous stories about him stuffing a Colt Python in the pocket of his Old Navy cargo shorts to do something banal like go buy a bag of Beneful at the PetSmart. (Check out some of his posts after the VA Tech shootings where he talks about forming a “mall posse” for more of this nonsensical Dirty Harry Goes To The Dry Cleaner stuff.)
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
That's what I figured. And yeah, it is silly.

I find it alternatingly ironic or infuriating that the cities in the U.S. where it's easiest to get a concealed carry permit are the cities where white males have the least need to go about armed.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
All that brand name fetishism makes me think that somewhere there's a market for a Sex in the City ripoff called Guns in the Suburbs where lots of shiny barrels gets stroked, kissed and squealed over and each episode ends hilariously with Bob shooting himself in the leg while sipping his third appletini.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
Oh, my God. You should see the message boards of these sites, man, these people practically come all over themselves when talking about brand names of firearms.

And the most hilarious part is -- see, this isn't actually surprising, but a lot of right-wing gun nuts do not actually own guns. It’s just all part of this goofy idealized world-view that they have, like the way so many hardcore Randroids are not business owners, and many are even living off the government. When I was at CPAC, the guy who got the most standing ovations – more than Bush, more than Cheney, more than Mitt Romney – was NRA boss Wayne LaPierre, and if any more than 25% of the people cheering him were actual gun owners, I’ll eat my hat. So you get these people posting hilarious stuff where they misidentify gun models, or give them capabilities they don’t have, or say some model is made for a caliber it can’t fire, or whatever. It would be like me saying “Yeah, I just bought a brand new Turbo V8 hybrid Audi Mustang”, except that I do actually own a car. (To his credit, Owens really knows his gun stuff and isn’t guilty of this himself, but he’s always having to gently correct people in the comments section of his blog who rattle on about their .22 Magnum Remington 9mm auto-revolver or what have you.
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC)
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:42 pm (UTC)
These guys. At so many levels...

I mean, he's dedicated enough to the cause of potential vigilante justice and the accompanying hero worship he so clearly and desperately craves, to a degree that he packs a pistol to go get smokes. But, he's not dedicated enough to his cause to wear pants, or a light jacket?

I guess, at least he'll be comfortable and not sweating too much when he has to make the crucial and difficult decision to take a human life.
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Dec. 9th, 2008 04:59 pm (UTC)
Bob "Confederate Yankee" Owens:

Dec. 9th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)
I'm going to come right out and admit, I'm a little confused by the "confederate yankee" moniker. Is he suggesting that he's a racist forced to live north of the Mason-Dixon?
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:22 pm (UTC)
He's originally from New York, and now lives in Raleigh-Durham. He was rasied a Yankee but has an affinity with the noble traditions of the south: gun mania, hatred of the government, racism and paternalism.
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:06 pm (UTC)
At this point, you're just making new icons for every post aren't you?
Dec. 9th, 2008 06:29 pm (UTC)
C'mon, Leonard, that Rickrolling shit is old.
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
At first, I was going to suggest that, because my empirical, but till anecdotal, experience suggests that this is very likely the case. Then I decided that I can afford to take the high road and not immediately resort to ad homenim.
Dec. 9th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
Right, exactly! I mean, I don't wear shorts to walk around in, because I am a grown-up, nor do I carry my guns with me wherever I go, because I am not a sociopath, but Bob -- he must ALWAYS have a gun, and he must ALWAYS be maximally comfortable! Someone get the Army on the blower and tell them to switch to Bermuda shorts for desert missions.
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
Oh goody, what's next, virile rightwingers, your red nation of meat eaters now bitches if their holsters have not be pre-tested for breathability and wicking?
Dec. 9th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
On a completely tangential note
I would buy a DVD consisting mostly of footage of King Buzzo shooting things.


flavored with age
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
Ludic Log


Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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