- What the fuck was that fat swinger dude talking about when he said he was a classically trained conservatory opera singer? I’ve known a handful of real opera singers and what they all had in common with each other is that, unlike him, they could sing. On the other hand, I kinda wish he’d made it on because his name sounded a lot like “Hitler”. I’m gonna start using “worse than Hettler” to refer to really bad singers.
- I’m actually a little surprised that no one liked that guy who did a dance hall novelty song about bananas. He was clearly from another planet, but his voice was pretty decent and he had style galore.
- Someone get Michael Nicewonder (or, as my pal zulkey calls him, “Gay Dwight Schrute”, his own TV show, stat! Seriously, before he kills us all.
By the way, you should really be reading Claire's American Idol recaps at the AV Club. She makes me look like the ignorant Frankenstein monster that I am.
MICHAEL “EMO HAIR” CASTRO. I am utterly delighted this kid made it on, and how he seems to have a typical dickish rivalry with his big brother. I don’t believe for a second that he just started singing a year ago, but I’m looking forward to seeing if he can match Jason’s record of being stoned out of his gourd every time he got in front of the camera.
VON “MY HAT HAS PERSONALITY” SMITH. Everybody knew one of these dipshits in high school, right? A type-A overachieving short kid who wore an unusual hat to signal to people that he was unconventional. I spent my high school years throwing bottles at kids like that. He was so over the top he fell down the other side, but at least he could carry a tune, which is something.
MATT “PALOOKA” BREITZKE. As hulking hetero dudes with sweet voices go, I’ll take Matt, a balding mustachioed welder, over that country-fried oil rig worker any day. “Bar band” usually means “shitty fucking singer”, but this time out, I was genuinely surprised at how well he sang. Why Randy decided he was going to bust on the guy is beyond me – he had one of the best performances of the evening. Randy has to remind us every once in a while that he has testicles, I guess.
JESSICA “JANIS” PAIGE FURNEY. I’d like to like you, sister, but no one who pursues the Janis Joplin route ever does that well on this show. Do you know why? It’s because – and here I brace for a barrage of internet hatred -- Janis Joplin was not that great a singer.
DANNY “MY WIFE AND MY DEAD WIFE” GOKEY. I had a whole rant prepared about the tragic-story people, but it made me sound mean-spirited, and besides, I liked Danny (and his friend, whose name I forget). God bless ‘em, and I hope they pull a Great Outdoor Fight at the end of the season and burn down the whole Idol set rather than compete against each other. Also, my second-favorite moment of the night, after that junkie girl in the leopardskin capris who was constantly on the nod, was how Randy showed him the “new” way to dap. Uh, dude, if Michael Scott is doing it, it ain’t new.
ANOOP “LAUNDRY DAY” DESAI. Okay, Anoop is officially my favorite in the early goings. Funny, great and unusual-sounding voice, clearly doesn’t give a shit, and he showed up to the audition in clothes that he probably wears to get his mail on Saturday mornings. Also, he’s a colossal nerd, as evidenced by his barbeque-centered degree in folklore & mythology. I hope this guy slacks his way to the finals.
ASA “LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD AND THE BIBLE” BARNES. This was the guy who teaches a high school marching band, and honestly, while he was good, I thought he’d be better, being in such a notoriously funky profession. He seems like he might stick around a bit, but he was a guy I should have loved instead of merely liked.
LIL “SHORT” ROUNDS. The greatest name of any Idol contestant ever, and some serious, serious chops – clearly the best singer we’ve seen so far. I think Randy’s going a bit too far by calling her the new Fantasia Barrino, but if she can get her shit together and pick the right songs, she could run away with this competition. Is it just me, though, or did her husband seem like he thought the whole thing was a bunch of bullshit?
It should be fun to watch who wins the “blind guy/dead wife/three kids who got caught in a tornado” pathos competition.