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Idol Wears You Down, Day 2: KC

I’ll spare a brief moment to talk about the losers here:

- What the fuck was that fat swinger dude talking about when he said he was a classically trained conservatory opera singer? I’ve known a handful of real opera singers and what they all had in common with each other is that, unlike him, they could sing. On the other hand, I kinda wish he’d made it on because his name sounded a lot like “Hitler”. I’m gonna start using “worse than Hettler” to refer to really bad singers.

- I’m actually a little surprised that no one liked that guy who did a dance hall novelty song about bananas. He was clearly from another planet, but his voice was pretty decent and he had style galore.

- Someone get Michael Nicewonder (or, as my pal zulkey calls him, “Gay Dwight Schrute”, his own TV show, stat! Seriously, before he kills us all.

By the way, you should really be reading Claire's American Idol recaps at the AV Club. She makes me look like the ignorant Frankenstein monster that I am.


MICHAEL “EMO HAIR” CASTRO. I am utterly delighted this kid made it on, and how he seems to have a typical dickish rivalry with his big brother. I don’t believe for a second that he just started singing a year ago, but I’m looking forward to seeing if he can match Jason’s record of being stoned out of his gourd every time he got in front of the camera.

VON “MY HAT HAS PERSONALITY” SMITH. Everybody knew one of these dipshits in high school, right? A type-A overachieving short kid who wore an unusual hat to signal to people that he was unconventional. I spent my high school years throwing bottles at kids like that. He was so over the top he fell down the other side, but at least he could carry a tune, which is something.

MATT “PALOOKA” BREITZKE. As hulking hetero dudes with sweet voices go, I’ll take Matt, a balding mustachioed welder, over that country-fried oil rig worker any day. “Bar band” usually means “shitty fucking singer”, but this time out, I was genuinely surprised at how well he sang. Why Randy decided he was going to bust on the guy is beyond me – he had one of the best performances of the evening. Randy has to remind us every once in a while that he has testicles, I guess.

JESSICA “JANIS” PAIGE FURNEY. I’d like to like you, sister, but no one who pursues the Janis Joplin route ever does that well on this show. Do you know why? It’s because – and here I brace for a barrage of internet hatred -- Janis Joplin was not that great a singer.

DANNY “MY WIFE AND MY DEAD WIFE” GOKEY. I had a whole rant prepared about the tragic-story people, but it made me sound mean-spirited, and besides, I liked Danny (and his friend, whose name I forget). God bless ‘em, and I hope they pull a Great Outdoor Fight at the end of the season and burn down the whole Idol set rather than compete against each other. Also, my second-favorite moment of the night, after that junkie girl in the leopardskin capris who was constantly on the nod, was how Randy showed him the “new” way to dap. Uh, dude, if Michael Scott is doing it, it ain’t new.

ANOOP “LAUNDRY DAY” DESAI. Okay, Anoop is officially my favorite in the early goings. Funny, great and unusual-sounding voice, clearly doesn’t give a shit, and he showed up to the audition in clothes that he probably wears to get his mail on Saturday mornings. Also, he’s a colossal nerd, as evidenced by his barbeque-centered degree in folklore & mythology. I hope this guy slacks his way to the finals.

ASA “LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD AND THE BIBLE” BARNES. This was the guy who teaches a high school marching band, and honestly, while he was good, I thought he’d be better, being in such a notoriously funky profession. He seems like he might stick around a bit, but he was a guy I should have loved instead of merely liked.

LIL “SHORT” ROUNDS. The greatest name of any Idol contestant ever, and some serious, serious chops – clearly the best singer we’ve seen so far. I think Randy’s going a bit too far by calling her the new Fantasia Barrino, but if she can get her shit together and pick the right songs, she could run away with this competition. Is it just me, though, or did her husband seem like he thought the whole thing was a bunch of bullshit?

It should be fun to watch who wins the “blind guy/dead wife/three kids who got caught in a tornado” pathos competition.

Comments

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doraphilia
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC)
VON “MY HAT HAS PERSONALITY” SMITH--

you know I didn't realize it before you said it, but very true, every high school has that smartass nerd short kid who wears an annoying hat to signify quirkiness. That guy could sing but needs to learn to control his voice.

MATT “PALOOKA” BREITZKE.

This is the guy who sang bill withers? I liked him, but don't think he'll make it far... no "star quality" or whatever.
ludickid
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:24 pm (UTC)
Seriously: every school has the short nerdy guy with a funny hat who dances. Also, every school has a doughy guy with a big head who drives a sports car.

I don't think Matt Breitizke will go far either, but I like his voice.
picodulce
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
Lil Rounds aka Badonk (seriously, if she's gonna be curvy she has to change the name, It just soudns fake.) - I think her husband's trying to leave her as we speak. I'm emotionless and I can't even carry off that much dispassionate displeasure.
doraphilia
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
compared to that guy, you're like, a hysterical emotional freakshow.
ludickid
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
I know, right? He was just standing back there, all "Man, can we go home now and watch Pimp My Ride? I should have worn a jimmy hat.</i>
picodulce
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:29 pm (UTC)
thrice. he should have worn the jimmy hat three times. he should be a lesson to selfish young black males - "if you don't glove your love, you sometimes have to sit through American Idol. Live. For weeks. During college ball season.

"Don't let this be you!"
doraphilia
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:20 pm (UTC)
dammit clicked "post comment" too soon.

JESSICA “JANIS” PAIGE FURNEY.

This was the girl with the ugly flannel and glasses from kansas??!?!?! SHE WAS THE BOMB! are you kidding? she needs a makeover, but by far, the best singer so far.

Lil Rounds was also one of the best, but she looks kind of schoolmarmy and she'll need to sex it up a bit... also, yeah, her husband looked totally non-plussed.
brandawg
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC)
I agree! I want her to bring her grandmother with her to Hollywood and see the two of them yell at each other some more.
doraphilia
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC)
omg I loved the grandma. "These are my crazy pills!"

but seriously, she needs a makeover. that flannel get-up was her "I'm going to be on national television" outfit? I'd really hate to see her on a day off...
picodulce
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:27 pm (UTC)
no, really, i'm not watching american idol
she's very cute under the clothes. that really came out wrong. but you know, i'm not one who enjoys the whole "makeover" thing, but that girl was stuck in 1991, and even then that was awfully frumpy.

also: the whole show i kept saying, i went to high school with a guy/ gal like that. oh, that one was my friend. or someone i hooked up with. NYC does not make dorks any cooler.
ludickid
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:28 pm (UTC)
See, that's what I loved about Anoop Desai. He showed up wearing khaki shorts and a thrift store shirt. He looked like he went out to get his newspaper and just happened to wander in to the Idol auditions. I sort of like people who don't give a fuck, which explains why I like the Castro Boys.
slammerkinbabe
Jan. 15th, 2009 07:10 pm (UTC)
It was kind of dykey and geeky! I liked it.
roseyv
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:30 pm (UTC)
The thing about conservatories is they’re going concerns like any other. It’s not like a master class with Kiri Te Kanwa -- they’ll take anybody as long as the tuition check clears. I studied voice in a conservatory; moreover, although I was in no way serious about it, knew my limitations, and basically only did it so that I could present my own songs persuasively and without blowing out my vocal chords before I was forty, I often overheard other people’s lessons through the doors, and these were people who were obviously “seriously” studying opera, and some of them they were, if not terrible, then at least clearly delusional.
ludickid
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:39 pm (UTC)
One of the worst and best things about Idol is that non-stop parade of delusion. Just, you know, oceans of friendless dorks who are completely tone-deaf and never had anyone tell them they can't sing. Michael Nicewonder kept talking about how unsupportive his mom was because she told him he couldn't make it, and I was thinking, "Man, your mom isn't unsupportive -- she LOVES you, because she's trying to spare you being humiliated on national television."
roseyv
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:46 pm (UTC)
There is almost certainly a heartwarming, comically bittersweet indy screenplay in the story of the friendless dork with a dream that everyone in the world but he knows is doomed to fail due to his being manifestly and homogenously unqualified to fulfill it.

I wonder how many times it's been done?
roseyv
Jan. 15th, 2009 06:37 pm (UTC)
Also: “ASA “LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND GOD AND THE BIBLE” BARNES.”

Damn you, Leonard Pierce! You do this to me every year! Every year you make me think what the hell, maybe I should watch this pie-eating contest for a change. I mean, I never do and I never will, but damn you just the same.
slammerkinbabe
Jan. 15th, 2009 07:08 pm (UTC)
I loved the banana guy! I was sad they only had him on for comic effect. I thought he could sing.

The fact that Jason Castro's little brother is on this year is thrilling to me. I hope that he is stoned all the time, and that Paula wants to fuck him too, and that he is a bad influence and starts her back into getting stoned on air time all the time too. Because she seems to be trying to keep it sober on the set now -- probably, like you said, because she's afraid Kara might be after her job -- and, man, the way I see it the only reason to keep her *and* Kara on is if Paula stays drunk and hilarious. Don't get me wrong, if I thought Paula was getting clean overall and Twelve-Stepping it for her own sake I'd resign myself to a little less on-air entertainment, but I don't buy that she is. And if she's going to be drinking anyway -- Paula, please do it on air! You're the most entertaining thing on the show when you're drunk!
happinesstogo
Jan. 15th, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC)
The two things I like best about this post have nothing to do with American Idol
1. I concur with you on the Janis Joplin opinion.

2. A Great Outdoor Fight reference!!!
zulkey
Jan. 15th, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC)
I had a whole rant prepared about the tragic-story people
what was it? because I went for it on the site and of course I got torn a new orifice.

thank you for the shout out. You can accidentally kill me any day.
harmfulguy
Jan. 15th, 2009 08:02 pm (UTC)
...but it made me sound mean-spirited...

Perhaps you don't understand why people read your LJ.
bassman42
Jan. 15th, 2009 11:21 pm (UTC)
Damn, you stole my line! That's why we love ya, Leonard!
secondperiod
Jan. 15th, 2009 08:26 pm (UTC)
I have said it before and I will now type it again.

Lil Rounds' middle name better be "Debbie Fudge", because the whole world can get behind a lady named "Lil Debbie Fudge Rounds".

calamityjake
Jan. 16th, 2009 02:41 am (UTC)
Anoop ruled. I predict a classic (cliched) makeover where he comes out looking super foxy. And then suddenly he will never be in the bottom 3 again.
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