1. People who don't like memes.
2. People who have already seen this on my Facebook.
3. People who miss the days when I wasn't too busy to post real content.
4. People who like things that are interesting and/or funny.
5. Everyone else.
WHO WILL ENJOY THIS:
1. No one.
1. It drives me near madhouse when someone says they have lived a life without regrets. It’s a good thing to keep moving and all, and we all like that song by the pretty little French dame, but if you can really say you have no regrets you’ve gone through life without paying any attention. Pay attention, you lick.
2. Three things that make me despair for all humanity: the way people drive, the way people carry on around money, and Laundromats. Three things that make me have hope for all humanity: good parents, people who are straight up in love, and the banjo.
3. We crossed a dangerous line when we started asking athletes what they think about things.
4. I sure do like me a good soda pop. Hats off to you Mr. John Stith Pemberton.
5. Similarly I enjoy drinking alcohol. Once I was a beer snob but that shit catches up to you in terms of efficiency and heaviness so I have since moved on to hard liquor. There is no fucking around with that content. I cannot drink wine because it makes me feel like bringing up a burrito, but you sit me someplace where I can get some whiskey or a good martini and you will find me a loyal friend.
6. Once, I wrote down what I thought were the five dominant themes in the kind of fiction I enjoyed writing as well as that I enjoyed reading. I can only remember two of them, which are “the uses of violence” and “the impossibility of perfection”.
7. It’s very easy to get me to want to go someplace if it can be described well in prose. I’ve moved to at least two places just because I liked the way someone set it forth to me in print, and almost moved to one more. I don’t even particularly cotton to Los Angeles, but I still occasionally find myself wanting to go there just because of one Mr. Raymond Chandler. Of course now I live in a city that no one has ever described as anything.
8. Women sure are pretty to me. Sometimes I think they will never stop being so.
9. I have affection for both dogs and cats. I would not kick either one of them off of my living room rug. But more and more I think I like cats better, on account of they will be very affectionate to yo when the mood strikes them but on the whole, they are all well fuck you then, I’ll see you at dinner which you better have ready on time or I am going to so turn my bitch lights on you. A dog meanwhile, a dog you have to always ask, well what more do you want from me?
10. I don’t think I am going to live forever. This has allowed me to do all kinds of hurtful things to me like drinking, pills, and eating far too many tomatoes.
11. When asked to compile a list of 25 interesting things about myself, I can be counted on to take a restlessly ridiculous approach to the task.
12. Here is something I read somewhere that turned out to be pretty wise: a reasonably intelligent person can look at any decent piece of contemporary art, a movie or TV show or novel or what have you, and seriously consider having created it themselves.
13. Here is something else I read somewhere that turned out to be pretty wise: smoking a cigareet gives you something to do with your hands.
14. There is at least one thing in my apartment that could get me sent to prison. Maybe more.
15. I am somewhat proud of my ability not to take disagreements over culture personally.
16. I didn’t get my first tattoo until I was 30 (I have nine now). I didn’t grow my first beard until I was 39. I didn’t get high on zoot until I was 25.
17. I ain’t really into the whole idea of foisting off the various fucked upperies of one’s life on your parents, but I have a lot of theories about how family shit can really put the zap on your head. Most of these theories are stupid.
18. Contradictions: I am pretty heavy into the idea of animal rights, but I love to eat meat. I don’t like drunks, but I like getting drunk. I hate gun owners, but I love guns. I love to watch and play sports, but I generally hate sports fans. I hate what car culture has done to our country and our environment, but boy do I love to drive.
19. I spend a lot of time inside my own head, making up a world that’s different than the one I live in. Not better – just different. One way or another, I’m going to be someone’s God.
20. The whole self-loathing tip I’ve been on most of my life, I know that’s not much of a tip and it only makes you more of a schmuck in the eyes of them that matters. I try not to make that my tip so much any more. But I do say this: there are them that are going to their grave thinking that they’re good people when they’ve been spending their whole lives acting otherwise. My only goal in life is to not be one of those people.
21. When I was a kid, my dream was to be a sitcom writer. Come to think of it, that’s still my dream.
22. The first computer I ever had was a Texas Instruments that hooked up to the tee vee. I also had a Commodore 64, and an Apple IIc, and one of the very first Macs. And after all that, what’s the most I ever learned how to do on a computer? You’re lookin’ at it, sporto.
23. I spent my prom night sitting in the back of a truck with a guy named Schmidtsky getting drunk on bad beers and chucking the empties at all the kids who were happier than I was. That’s a metaphor right there.
24. I used to play pretty good baseball. In college I struck out a future All-Star on four pitches.
25. All told what am I good for? Not a lot but sometimes people miss me when I’m gone, and I tend to have a pretty good line on somebody when they’re shitheadin’. Worse can be said.