1. See the Alamo. (This takes five minutes.)
2. Eat lunch next to a fake river.
3. Drive to Austin.
Anyway, here are different types of tourists you will encounter in and around the Alamo:
- Gawking church group sponsor who believes that 250 miles is not too far to drive if there’s a chance to eat at someplace exotic like Sbarro
- Wealthy Mexican real estate mogul who drove all the way from the D.F. in a SmartCar to gloat over the ass-kicking Santa Ana gave the Americans
- Woman with multiple loaves of bread stuffed under the skin of her upper arms who simply cannot fathom the complexity of the ideolocator map at the shopping mall
- Doughy middle-aged white guy in khaki shorts who keeps stealing inappropriate glances at his teenage daughter, who is wearing a heather gray sweatshirt with the name of a retail store written across the front
- Ancient couple piloting a recreational vehicle the size of an airplane hangar who have a checklist of places they intend to visit, stay at for five minutes, and then leave
- Japanese family attempting to create video document of every single piece of information that crosses their eyes, and who are super-enthusiastic about the Alamo even though they clearly have no idea what it is
- Homeless dude who is taking a nap on a windowsill at the Menger Hotel, arising briefly to ask visiting tourists for five dollars so he can buy a lunch of Dippin’ Dots and Powerade out of a vending machine
- Surly kid from rural Wisconsin, wearing really baggy black cargo pants and a Between The Buried And Me t-shirt, whose dad obviously dragged him down here to go to the World’s Biggest Model Train Show
- Incredibly old black lady who is in town with her Baptist choir, and takes her job of protecting her 15-year-old great-great-granddaughter from the Satanic temptations of River Center Mall very seriously
- Rich businessman wearing blue-and-white-striped Oxford shirt who has just paid $175 for a cowboy hat made out of straw so he can show everyone back home what a “real Texan” is like