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Texonomy

As I have mentioned, I work right next to the Alamo, and as such I am constantly informed that San Antonio is the #1 tourist destination in Texas. I do not doubt that this is true; I simply wonder why it is true, since there are exactly three things to do here:

1. See the Alamo. (This takes five minutes.)
2. Eat lunch next to a fake river.
3. Drive to Austin.

Anyway, here are different types of tourists you will encounter in and around the Alamo:

- Gawking church group sponsor who believes that 250 miles is not too far to drive if there’s a chance to eat at someplace exotic like Sbarro

- Wealthy Mexican real estate mogul who drove all the way from the D.F. in a SmartCar to gloat over the ass-kicking Santa Ana gave the Americans

- Woman with multiple loaves of bread stuffed under the skin of her upper arms who simply cannot fathom the complexity of the ideolocator map at the shopping mall

- Doughy middle-aged white guy in khaki shorts who keeps stealing inappropriate glances at his teenage daughter, who is wearing a heather gray sweatshirt with the name of a retail store written across the front

- Ancient couple piloting a recreational vehicle the size of an airplane hangar who have a checklist of places they intend to visit, stay at for five minutes, and then leave

- Japanese family attempting to create video document of every single piece of information that crosses their eyes, and who are super-enthusiastic about the Alamo even though they clearly have no idea what it is

- Homeless dude who is taking a nap on a windowsill at the Menger Hotel, arising briefly to ask visiting tourists for five dollars so he can buy a lunch of Dippin’ Dots and Powerade out of a vending machine

- Surly kid from rural Wisconsin, wearing really baggy black cargo pants and a Between The Buried And Me t-shirt, whose dad obviously dragged him down here to go to the World’s Biggest Model Train Show

- Incredibly old black lady who is in town with her Baptist choir, and takes her job of protecting her 15-year-old great-great-granddaughter from the Satanic temptations of River Center Mall very seriously

- Rich businessman wearing blue-and-white-striped Oxford shirt who has just paid $175 for a cowboy hat made out of straw so he can show everyone back home what a “real Texan” is like

Comments

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johnnylemonhead
Feb. 20th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
Woman with multiple loaves of bread stuffed under the skin of her upper arms who simply cannot fathom the complexity of the ideolocator map at the shopping mall

bwahahaha. wait, my future just flashed before my eyes. hrm.

admittedly, i visit libraries almost anywhere i travel, but the san antonio library's main branch - with the dale chihuly fiesta tower glass installation - is pretty cool. the only other worthwhile place i went in that city was liberty bar, but watering holes don't really qualify as destinations, do they?
ludickid
Feb. 20th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)
Well, it depends. Hala Kahili in the Chicago suburbs is a destination.
oilyrags
Feb. 20th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC)
No Dale Cthulhu, please!
(Deleted comment)
zulkey
Feb. 23rd, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC)
damn I hoped to be the first one to get in there with that.

a-doh-be.
roseyv
Feb. 20th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
Rich businessman wearing blue-and-white-striped Oxford shirt who has just paid $175 for a cowboy hat made out of straw so he can show everyone back home what a “real Texan” is like.

Ah, that's nice. So he's decided to take a little breather from the brush-clearing? Good for him.
roninspoon
Feb. 20th, 2009 10:06 pm (UTC)
-Ozzy Osborne
dyskodyke
Feb. 20th, 2009 10:26 pm (UTC)
Yes, but you can EASILY spend at least another ten minutes in the Alamo gift shop. You know, looking at that awesome model of the battle that's cooler than the actual Alamo itself.

Have you ever been to any of the other missions, tho? I've been to San Jose and thought it was pretty neat. Then again, I like old buildings and walking around outside. And I like SA. Honestly, I've never understood what Austin has that we don't, besides a bunch of live music and hipsters, both of which I can live without.
flying_blind
Feb. 20th, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
You didn't mention prostitutes. I'm sure that prostitutes, both male and female, are available in San Antonio. If not, how would the place attract trade shows and conventions?
clh22
Feb. 20th, 2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
Please do not forget my former students, who live 4 hours south, who have never been on vacation anywhere *but* San Antonio . . . unless you count driving ten minutes to cross the border every weekend to get alcohol.

And me. I hang this on my tree every year.



Also, you forget Fiesta Texas!

kudaspeaks
Feb. 21st, 2009 12:43 am (UTC)
I mentioned your three things to do to my San Antonio-derived coworker and he immediately yelled "Tower of the Americas! 100 feet taller than the Space Needle, bitches! And yet never any love!"
thehighhat
Feb. 23rd, 2009 07:04 pm (UTC)
The last time I was in SA for a conference, my colleagues and I did visit the Tower of the Americas. The problem is that while it may be higher than the Space Needle, there's nothing to look at but San Antonio all around. It did have some interesting maps featuring the history of white settlement in Texas.
writebrain
Feb. 21st, 2009 02:22 am (UTC)
I'm totally coming to visit!
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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