Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

Texonomy

As I have mentioned, I work right next to the Alamo, and as such I am constantly informed that San Antonio is the #1 tourist destination in Texas. I do not doubt that this is true; I simply wonder why it is true, since there are exactly three things to do here:

1. See the Alamo. (This takes five minutes.)
2. Eat lunch next to a fake river.
3. Drive to Austin.

Anyway, here are different types of tourists you will encounter in and around the Alamo:

- Gawking church group sponsor who believes that 250 miles is not too far to drive if there’s a chance to eat at someplace exotic like Sbarro

- Wealthy Mexican real estate mogul who drove all the way from the D.F. in a SmartCar to gloat over the ass-kicking Santa Ana gave the Americans

- Woman with multiple loaves of bread stuffed under the skin of her upper arms who simply cannot fathom the complexity of the ideolocator map at the shopping mall

- Doughy middle-aged white guy in khaki shorts who keeps stealing inappropriate glances at his teenage daughter, who is wearing a heather gray sweatshirt with the name of a retail store written across the front

- Ancient couple piloting a recreational vehicle the size of an airplane hangar who have a checklist of places they intend to visit, stay at for five minutes, and then leave

- Japanese family attempting to create video document of every single piece of information that crosses their eyes, and who are super-enthusiastic about the Alamo even though they clearly have no idea what it is

- Homeless dude who is taking a nap on a windowsill at the Menger Hotel, arising briefly to ask visiting tourists for five dollars so he can buy a lunch of Dippin’ Dots and Powerade out of a vending machine

- Surly kid from rural Wisconsin, wearing really baggy black cargo pants and a Between The Buried And Me t-shirt, whose dad obviously dragged him down here to go to the World’s Biggest Model Train Show

- Incredibly old black lady who is in town with her Baptist choir, and takes her job of protecting her 15-year-old great-great-granddaughter from the Satanic temptations of River Center Mall very seriously

- Rich businessman wearing blue-and-white-striped Oxford shirt who has just paid $175 for a cowboy hat made out of straw so he can show everyone back home what a “real Texan” is like
Subscribe

  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 12 comments

  • HONK

    If I was to wish someone a happy birthday today, would it be crepedelbebe? You're goddamn right it would.

  • I'm too stoned to give a full accounting

    I went to Austin this weekend. As you may know, my beloved first-generation iPod, Misty II, fatally deceased herself recently, and I got a new 80G…

  • Notes from a day

    * Stringing a crossbow is usually considered a two-man job. But when one of the two men is me, the other man is unnecessary. Also, it is possible to…