Inspired by a comments thread over at the Onion AV Club, in which a reader wondered what the equivalent of “Once you go black, you never go back” was for Asians, I wrote the following highly offensive couplets:
- Once you go Asia, you’ll have Western aphasia.
- Once you go Chinese, you’ll lust for their hineys.
- Once you go Nippon, no more whites put your lip on.
- Once you go Thailand, no more Yanks on your island.
- Once you go Sino, you’ll avoid the gwai lo.
- In comes Korean, out goes European.
- Hang out in Hong Kong, get a taste for the Hmong schlong.
Deciding that this wasn’t nearly offensive enough, I continued, reckoning that there was no reason that other races and ethnic groups should be excluded:
- Once you go pygmy, no more will you dig me.
- Once you go Jewish, Gentiles simply won’t doish.
- Once you go Hindu, you’ll be shocked what they c’n do.
- Once you go Injun, no more paleface sex bingin’.
- Once you go Spic, gringos won’t flick your Bic.
- Once you’ve had Slav, other races fuck off.
- Once you’ve had coloreds, all the others are dullards.
- Once you’ve had Ainu, you’re all, “What the fuck? How drunk did I get last night, anyway? I think I had sex with an AINU DUDE!”
And so on. I think you all know what to do now.