Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

I will turn your face to alabaster

A BRIEF HISTORY OF LITTLE GREEN FOOTBALLS

Pre-The Bad Thing: Tech expert and bicycle enthusiast Charles “Chuckles” Johnson runs a web log, named for an inside reference to nasal mucus, at which can be found helpful computer tips and updates on the Tour de France.

The Bad Thing: Early in the afternoon of September 11th, 2001, Johnson, like many Americans, takes a giant fear shit right in his bike shorts.

Post-The Bad Thing: On September 12th, 2001, Johnson, unlike many Americans, rededicates his weblog to the practice of having screaming hissy fits whenever someone of Arab extraction sneezes in public. So virulent and single-minded is his paranoid terror of the Musselman menace that he attracts many like-minded lunatics, who post impolitic comments on the blog. Some of these unhinged individuals start their own websites, such as Jihad Watch and “Atlas Shrugged”, hosted by the maniacal Pamela Geller.

Later: While it rapidly develops a reputation as one of the most popular political sites on the internet, Johnson begins to notice a few cracks in the façade. For one thing, his commenters are a deraganged lot, inordinately fond of leaping to conclusions and speaking about Muslims in disturbingly genocidal terms. Still, his will remains strong, and he continues heaping abuse on the entire non-Jewish Middle East, despite the presence of detractors who notice a profound similarity between his rhetoric and that of the Nazis.

Still Later: In the face of nearly non-stop mockery from liberal blogs and other political websites for the homicidally insane nature of his fans, Johnson institutes a policy of disallowing said blogs from linking to his pages, so that particularly egregious examples of their ravings cannot be widely disseminated.

Even Later Still: Johnson finds it necessary to take the unusual step of setting up a program that automatically deletes comments by his own devotees that contain certain hot-button words or phrases like “nuke Mecca”, “sand-nigger”, and “subhuman filth”. As perhaps the first major political blog to admit to the need to censor its own crazed fans, Little Green Footballs becomes an even bigger laughingstock, and Johnson begins to suspect things are getting away from him slightly.

The Schism: Johnson is invited to a European “anti-jihadist” conference. Noticing that the conference is also being attended by a number of extreme far right political figures, many of whom have backgrounds in anti-Semitic, neo-Nazi nationalist movements, he declines to attend, and warns his people that they should not be associating with the sort of people who committed an actual genocide campaign against the Jews. Many of his most devoted followers absolutely flip out and accuse Johnson, perhaps America’s most vociferous anti-Muslim activist, of being soft on jihad.

Recently: Johnson, figuring that if he’s in for a penny he may as well be in for a pound, suddenly notices that many in his movement are not only cozying up to anti-Semitic fascists, but are treating the relatively harmless new President, Barack Obama, as if he is Satan crawled up to befoul God’s green Earth. His followers flip out even more, calling him a traitor to the cause and abandoning him en masse. Johnson, only months removed from his position as the King of the Know-Nothings, now finds himself a right-wing public enemy on the level of an Emmanuel Goldstein.

Today: A dissident faction of “splitters” breaks off from the LGF website and forms “Little Green Footballs 2.0”, a so-called “democratic” revamp of the site in which democracy means, in practice, being able to call for genocidal warfare without being scolded. A rotating quote of the day feature, a storied tradition on the LGF site, is replaced with one featuring embittered ex-followers complaining about Johnson’s treachery to the cause. The lead posts today include one claiming that Muslims are ultimately responsible for a white neo-Nazi’s murderous attack on the Holocaust Museum, and another “open thread” dedicated to establishing that Hitler was a leftist.
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  • The Party of What People?

    This will be my last entry of 2016.  Next year will begin, barring some unexpected act of fate, with the ascension to the presidency of Donald…

  • Anno Terribilis

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