1. Do not marry a horrible manipulative shrew.
2. If you violate Rule #1, DO NOT HAVE EIGHT CHILDREN.
3. If you violate Rule #2, you're pretty well sunk, but at least try to stay out of the public eye as much as possible.
4. I mean, like, keep your affairs away from papparazzi and gossip columnists.
4a. In particular, don't have an affair WITH a gossip columnist.
5. Don't star in your own highly popular televised reality show.
5a. Especially if you are pretty much a dick.
6. I know this one is really closing the barn door behind the horse, but don't be an obvious dick.