Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator (ludickid) wrote,
Gun-totin', Chronic-smokin' Hearse Initiator
ludickid

ANNUAL I AM YOUR PUPPET POLL

Yes, it's October, and that means the annual Halloween party I attend is only a few weeks away. And, as usual, I look to you, bunch of people on the computer, to guide my way.

Once again, the requirements are that the costume doesn't cost a lot of money, but is unique and somewhat clever; that it is suitable for an old fat guy; and that it contains more referential weight than a store-bought Gandalf costume. Here are the ups and downs of each option:

IGNATIUS J. REILLY (from John Kennedy Toole's novel A Confederacy of Dunces)
GEAR NEEDED: floppy hat, false moustache, lumber jacket, cardboard cutlass, overactive pyloric valve
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, hilarious, possibly recognizable, gives opportunity to speak in overwrought pseudo-medieval argot all night
DRAWBACKS: possibly not recognizable, likely a tad too predictable for a self-loathing fat man

BENNY PROFANE (from Thomas Pynchon's novel V.)
GEAR NEEDED: cowboy hat, black jeans, cowboy boots, drinking problem, low self-esteem
ADVANTAGES: I already have all those things
DRAWBACKS: not recognizable, character is rather younger than me, boring

PIGGY (from William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies)
GEAR NEEDED: Coke-bottle glasses, British schoolboy outfit, ass-mar inhaler
ADVANTAGES: possibly recognizable, easily converted into Angus Young costume
DRAWBACKS: character is 30 years younger than me, sight of me in British schoolboy outfit likely to trigger epidemic of vomiting and uncomfortable looks

GREGOR SAMSA (from Franz Kafka's story The Metamorphosis)
GEAR NEEDED: giant cockroach outfit
ADVANTAGES: role would require simply donning giant cockroach outfit and avoiding human contact
DRAWBACKS: much like my normal life except with expensive giant cockroach outfit, homemade cockroach outfit would be very expensive and time-consuming, store-bought cockroach outfit would be very expensive and cheesy

BIG BROTHER (from George Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, military uniform, glowering expression, fake TV screen to stand behind
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, would give me the opportunity to have people arrested for treason
DRAWBACKS: unnervingly similar to dressing up like Hitler or Stalin

CHARLES FOSTER KANE (from Orson Welles' film Citizen Kane)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, smoking jacket, patrician demeanor, cigarette holder, billions of dollars
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, possibly recognizable, possibility dancing girls will sing a song in praise of me
DRAWBACKS: a tad grandiose

KASPAR GUTMAN (from Daishell Hammett's novel The Maltese Falcon)
GEAR NEEDED: all-white suit, bald pate, cane, sadistic homosexual henchman
ADVANTAGES: easily accomplished, recognizable, entertaining, chance to match wits with drunk guy dressed as Bogart
DRAWBACKS: possibly addictive

MR. SOPHISTICATION (from John Cassavetes' film The Killing of a Chinese Bookie)
GEAR NEEDED: false mustache, extremely garish tuxedo, microphone, severely creepy banter
ADVANTAGES: inspired, simple
DRAWBACKS: unsettling, absolutely the most pointlessly obscure costume in history of mankind

JAKE LAMOTTA (from Martin Scorsese's film Raging Bull)
GEAR NEEDED: sweaty tux, big cigar, hot blonde to verbally berate
ADVANTAGES: easy, involves hot blonde
DRAWBACKS: really not so much a costume as just a suit, involves repeatedly bashing bare forehead against concrete wall

"JOLIET" JAKE BLUES (from John Landis' film The Blues Brothers)
GEAR NEEDED: bad suit, cheap shades, hat, cigarettes, bullwhip, skinny dude dressed just the same
ADVANTAGES: easy, would allow me to sing "Rawhide" at party
DRAWBACKS: incredibly cliche

So:

Poll #1465031 Fappy Falloween

As whom should I appear this Halloween?

Kaspar Gutman from "The Maltese Falcon"
12(22.2%)
Jake Blues from "The Blues Brothers"
4(7.4%)
Mr. Sophistication from "The Killing of a Chinese Bookie"
2(3.7%)
Ignatius J. Reilly from "A Confederacy of Dunces"
9(16.7%)
Benny Profane from "V."
0(0.0%)
Piggy from "Lord of the Flies"
6(11.1%)
Gregor Samsa from "The Metamorphosis"
2(3.7%)
Big Brother from "Nineteen Eighty-Four"
10(18.5%)
Charles Foster Kane from "Citizen Kane"
7(13.0%)
Jake LaMotta from "Raging Bull"
2(3.7%)
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  • 18 comments

  • No, he can't, 'cause he's a pig

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