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So, on a day when half the country is shitting itself over the intolerable Communist infiltration that has foisted so wasteful and scandalous a thing as government-assisted medical care down its throat, I happened to read the news that people of my generation will need approximately three million dollars in order to have a safe and comfortable retirement.

Which, you know, that's not so bad! If you start out straight from high school making $30,000 a year (after taxes, so, really, about $42,000), all you have to do is work for sixty years without ever spending any money, and you're two-thirds of the way there! If you can hold out until you're a hundred and eight with the same salary and no expenses, a relatively safe and comfortable retirement is yours!

Naturally, of course, you probably won't make the same salary your whole life. Really hard-working people might double their salaries over a lifetime, meaning you could retire in only 54 years, or be able to spend some money on occasion for things like food and shelter! But the real key is to invest. As long as you never make any losing investments, and the stock market never has any prolonged periods of downtime or stagnation, you're sure to make at least three million dollars, give or take six figures. Why, just look at me! I've had two carefully planned 401(k) programs wiped out by economic downturns, layoffs, and other factors, but the odds of it happening a third time over the next 40 years are only somewhat higher than 50%!

All of which is simply to say that it is obvious to anyone who pays attention that government interference in our lives is doomed to failure, and the privatized free market is clearly the best solution to take care of the needs of all individuals age 65 or older who have amassed a fortune of three million dollars or more. The system works!

Comments

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perich
Mar. 23rd, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
short version: we're all fucked
From the link:
Longer life spans, the threat of inflation and the uncertain future of Social Security benefits make this long-touted savings advice inadequate for most, advisers say.
roseyv
Mar. 23rd, 2010 04:18 pm (UTC)
I think you're being entirely too negative about this. The obvious solution is simply never to retire. I myself look forward to a long and productive old age, shoveling fries at Wendy's well into my eighties.
roninspoon
Mar. 23rd, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)
Free market means I don't have to pay any taxes right? I'm all for it!
mckennl
Mar. 23rd, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
I don't understand the point of that article -- don't the authors know we've been living in a socialist state since late Sunday night? ::confused::
calamityjon
Mar. 23rd, 2010 11:56 pm (UTC)
I started re-reading "God Bless You, Mister Rosewater" again this morning, so I'm all full of good quotes about the Money River and the Born Slurpers and all the damn piggy fools who think that America is supposed to be some sort of Utopia. Shall we start digging those out?
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Leonard Pierce is a freelance writer wandering around Texas with no sleep or sense of direction. If you give him money he will write something for you. If you are nice to him he may come to your house and get drunk.

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